Take Me Back

Disgruntled by the result of the 2006 Rose Bowl, on January 5 a Southern California physicist set aside his reservations about disrupting the space-time continuum to finalize his research on a time machine. A week of all-nighters later, Dreamonus Nochance made history and then changed it forever. Dr. Dre, as colleagues often refer to him, was first inspired by music from Huey Lewis and ZZ Top to enter into the world of time travel. He even bought a DeLorean to cruise up and down the I-5, setting the cruise control to 88 miles per hour. Now that the device was complete, it must have a purpose. Upon hearing that Pete Rose had received 10 votes for the Hall of Fame the good doctor had his mission. He would put Charlie Hustle where he belonged.

1978: Say it never was Pete             

Research of the Pete Rose gambling scandal from Cosmic Baseball Association traces its origin to 1978. Rose met a man in Florida by the name of Tommy Gioiosa, starting his odyssey into the Hall of Shame. Pete Rose's accomplishments on the field are without question amazing. The number 4,256 will always be associated with him as the one who set the all-time hits record, breaking the mark set by the legendary Ty Cobb. Bay Area residents might never forget him bowling over A's catcher Ray Fosse in the 1970 All-Star game. Fosse, now a fantastic television announcer for the franchise he once played for, speaks of it even today nearly four decades later. Courtesy of Nochance, Gioiosa was given a job in Venice Beach, California in January 1978 and would never cross paths with Rose. Upon returning back to 2006 Dr. Dre was very satisfied to see Rose had been inducted on the first ballot and never busted for gambling. This made him happy, so back he went.

1980: Queen of Denial "wins" Boston Marathon       

On April 21 a historic field of runners would gather for a 26.2 mile race through Boston. It took on added importance given that the United States was boycotting the Moscow Olympic Games that summer. Jacqueline Gareau would dominate the women's run only to discover in the closing mile that she was second to mystery runner Rosie Ruiz. The victory would soon come into question when Ruiz could not identify what an interval was, but the unprepared prankster stuck to her story nevertheless. Thankfully, this nonsense was cleared up by Dr. Dre who tackled Ruiz as she attempted to jump into the race in progress. Years later, the stunt would be pulled again by Diddy at the New York City Marathon. Fearing reprisal, no one complains other than the stiffed Kenyans who are quickly compensated in rap records. When coming back to the present Dr. Dre felt strangely satisfied with the results.

1984: Lotts Less Interference from Refs   

Interfering with a forward pass is a subjective call in professional football. Future Hall of Fame safety Ronnie Lott was flagged for a famous "PI" on January 8, while his 49ers were tied with the favored Washington Redskins 21-21 in the NFC Championship. The call led directly to a field goal, in and of itself an accomplishment for Mark Moseley who had already missed four on the afternoon. His connection would erase the three touchdown outburst from Joe Montana which had evened the score in the final quarter. However, with a well placed mirror in the stands from Dr. Dre, the back judge had his vision blurred just enough to leave the flag in his pocket. On the very next play a Joe Theismann interception was returned for a touchdown by Lott, sealing the win. In the all-California Super Bowl, the Los Angeles Raiders would mark Joe Montana's spotless big game record with two interceptions during a 24-20 victory. Without the resolve given to them from being jilted the previous season, San Francisco would again go 10-6 and lose at blustery Soldier Field in the 1985 NFC Championship Game. The Miami Dolphins would win Super Bowl XIX by roughing up the Chicago Bears 31-14, giving Dan Marino his only ring. This result pleased Dr. Dre immensely and his work continued.

 1985: Show Me an Out at First!          

The state of Missouri would never be the same. It was game 6 of the World Series on October 26 at Royals Stadium. Todd Worrell was trying to preserve a 1-0 lead to clinch for St. Louis against in-state rival Kansas City. Before the closer could settle into a groove, veteran Jorge Orta entered as a pinch hitter and reached on a bad call by first base umpire Don Denkinger. It eventually led to the Royals winning the game and series. With Dr. Dre having performed an eye exam the previous evening, however, the correct out call was made. Worrell still gave up a run, and the game went into extra innings tied. In the top of the 10^th inning, fresh young Cardinals right fielder Andy Van Slyke slapped a home run off a tired Dan Quisenberry. Play-by-play man Al Michaels, caught up in the excitement, calls him "Van Slick". The nickname would stick. Ricky Horton pitched a perfect bottom of the inning to close out the win and St. Louis captured the I-70 World Series. When Nochance returned, he was confused to find Rose no longer in the Hall of Fame, but he continued anyway.

 1986: The Whistle Heard Across the Pond

It will forever be referred to as "The Hand of God". Anyone who follows soccer remembers June 22, 1986 at Mexico City's Azteca Stadium. Nearly twenty years before NFL "teams" San Francisco and Arizona played the first NFL regular season game at this venue, another kind of football took place on the world's biggest stage. That year's World Cup was supposed to be in Colombia. Instead it wound up in Mexico where in a quarterfinal game Argentina's Diego Maradona scored a memorable goal, illegally using his hands to net a crossing pass to the astonishment of British defenders. A trip through The Time Machine produced a different reaction from the ref on the field, Ali Bennaceur of Tunisia, who correctly spotted the foul this time around courtesy of Dr. Dre's subtle hint prior to kickoff to watch the star forward. Maradona expressed frustration, never recovering in time to score a second legitimate goal in spectacular fashion. England won the game 1-0, eliminating the team that had gone on to win the title. After beating Belgium 1-0 in the semifinals, England scored a dramatic 2-1 victory over Germany in the finals. It was their first Cup title since 1966 and Gary Linker went down in history as a national hero. Dr. Dre could care less about soccer, but this was getting to be fun.

 1993: Spare me the T.O. Talk

The Fab Five nickname has been used over and over, mostly to describe ridiculous things like guys who do makeovers. For college basketball fans it conjures up only the image of the 1992-1993 Michigan Wolverines with their young studs. In their sophomore season this group had a chance to win the NCAA tournament. With the assistance of Dr. Dre one of the biggest bonehead plays ever was deleted from history. When North Carolina extended their lead to 73-71 sophomore forward Chris Webber gestured to the bench that he was suddenly feeling ill. Dr. Dre had spit a special non-lethal toxic dart from a straw, hitting him in the neck. Webber was subbed out and the ball was delivered to Jalen Rose with 23 seconds remaining. After dribbling uneasily up the court, he maintained possession and was given space outside the arc by the Tar Heels as time wound down. Nearly losing the ball, Rose settled for a desperation shot as time expired. It fell in, giving an NCAA title to Michigan. Chris Webber suddenly felt better and jumped into the air out of sheer relief. In a shocking development, the entire Fab Five came back to Michigan the following two seasons twice beating Arkansas and their "40 minutes of hell" defense for NCAA titles. The subsequent investigation leading to the infamous "day of great shame" in 2002 and self imposed sanctions would never take place. There was enough money to pay everyone off.  

 1994: Knicks win! The-e-e-e-e- Knicks win!   

Patrick Ewing is widely regarded as one of the best centers ever to play in the NBA. In 2002 he retired after 17 seasons with lofty career statistics but no championship ring to show for his efforts. The 1994 NBA finals offered him a rare opportunity to win a title after Michael Jordan exited the game. Going up against Hakeem Olajuwon's Houston Rockets he helped his team build a 3-2 advantage, putting them on the brink of glory. After losing game 6, New York guard John Starks was approached on the street by Dr. Dre, dressed as a psychic, who informed him that he would go 0 for 11 from 3-point range and be held responsible for causing his team's defeat in the decisive game 7. Dumbstruck, he never takes a shot from beyond the arc and Ewing's inside game leads the Knicks to a dominant 95-85 victory. A statue of Patrick Ewing would later be put up outside MSG. When returning, Dr. Dre happened upon Spike Lee's film collection. Strangely, everything after Crooklyn consisted of upbeat feel good stories.

2002: Tucking through the snow      

Few NFL fans will ever forget the day that New England's dynasty started to take shape. The four year anniversary of that snowy night in Massachusetts (January 19, 2002) is next week. Courtesy of Dr. Dre the video replay machine was rendered inoperable with the simple cutting of some wires, leaving no visual evidence to overturn the call on the field. Walt Coleman was left stumbling for words as he attempted to convey the bad news to rabid Patriot fans. "What we have here is failure to communicate with the replay equipment." While kneeling to close out the Raider win, quarterback Rich Gannon is pelted by a rock-laced snowball directly in his ear hole knocking him unconscious. It is determined that the toss came from deposed quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Seeing this display of throwing accuracy, coach Belichick reconsiders his decision to anoint Brady as the starter the following season. He rots on the bench until being traded to New York in 2006 where as a chubby, emotionally tired old man he helps the J-E-T-S just enough to reach the playoffs and lose every year. Oakland advances to the Super Bowl in 2002 where they fall to St. Louis 41-38 in overtime, widely regarded as the most exciting game in NFL history. In the fall of 2002, New England gains revenge in their visit to The Black Hole, barely qualifying for an unlikely playoff run. When they beat Gruden's Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10-7 in Super Bowl XXXVII it begins a streak of three consecutive titles under Drew Bledsoe, who is later referred to as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time. The team is never considered an underdog and goes down as the most dominant dynasty in NFL history, recording a perfect 19-0 season in 2004.

 2005: Danica, Danica, Danica           

The Indianapolis 500 had been controlled by men until 2005. Danica Patrick made history just by pulling to the front of the pack as a female driver. In 89 years no woman had ever sniffed victory, much less taken a drink of milk in victory lane. Danica's pit crew added unique Dr. Dre inspired gasoline into her tank. Patrick decided to throw caution to the wind, keeping her pedal to the metal during the closing laps. Amazingly, she holds off Dan Wheldon to win the race in a photo finish. Instead of drinking milk to celebrate, she toasts with egg nog, establishing a new trend. Dr. Dre knows he is making a positive impact on the sporting world.

2006: The Wilted Rose of Texas

Vince Young's one man show led the Texas Longhorns to one of the most impressive wins in college football history on January 4. His 467 total yards squashed the USC Trojans' winning streak at 34 games, bringing home the BCS national title. That was until Dr. Dre whispered in Snoop Dogg's ear that he should yell "punt!" into Pete Carroll's ear prior to their failed fourth down play late in the game. Pinned at the 3 yard line, Young succumbs to a blitzing Darnell Bing, slipping to the turf in the end zone for a safety. Texas loses 47-33 after Reggie Bush returns the free kick for a touchdown. Vince Young stays for his senior season, only to break his leg in the Big XII championship game against Kansas. He is drafted in the second round by Houston, joining top pick Reggie Bush. They turn into the most combustible pair of players since McNabb and Owens, killing the franchise which moves to Los Angeles in 2010.

Present Day: Assessing the Impact

Upon his return, Dr. Dre is confused more than ever. Pete Rose is still banned from the Hall of Fame. Only then does he realize from an old photo of the 1985 World Series that somehow the 2006 Pete Rose had followed him into the Time Machine, planting the tip on the younger version of himself that the Cardinals would come out victorious. Armed with the knowledge, Rose placed a large winning wager on the game and caught the gambling bug. Dr. Dre could only shrug his shoulders at the idea that some things never change. He still wants to know what event in your team's history you would like modified.