Grand Slam Sunday, Fantastic Four, Judgment Day, whatever you want to call it, December 16th is a four-and-a-half hour period...THAT I WANT BACK! My heart told me that Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea would play the kind of fantasy football we saw from the likes of AC Milan, Barcelona, Bremen and...Wigan. My brain told me it would be cagey and short of entertainment. Guess whom I'm listening to next time especially as the West Coast kick off for the Anfield rascal was 5.30am. Here is the A - Z critique of the finest that England has to offer. Arsene Wenger couldn't beat Jose Mourinho with a big stick and a large bulls-eye attached to the 'Special One's' posterior but show him Avram Grant and Chelsea become a 3 point ATM. Benitez...you getting sacked in the morning, sacked in the morning, you're getting sacked in the morning. Capello...good luck mate, you'll need it. Defense...wins matches. If you don't believe me, ask coaches in the NFL. Edwin van der Sar...if I spent as much time as you waving at my mum, I'd be out of a job. The same goes for you Petr Cech. Frank Lampard...you are so overrated. Gerrard, Steven...you are so overrated. Highbury, you're missed but the Emirates packed for a night match is pure theater. You could move this fixture to the West End and it would still snap, crackle and pop. Ian Wright, you've taught your son SWP well, but blimey, the lad couldn't finish a fish and chip supper. My boy, right, could've tucked that 75th minute sitter away. John Terry, just because you're the England captain does not give you the right to act like 'Billy big boots'. I'm certainly not saying you deserved to get crocked but it looked from my standpoint that you had it coming. Kuyt, the Dirk kind. Endeavor, commitment, hustle are great words if you're a player trying to impress Steve McClaren but when a match is screaming out for class, you're well out of your league. Liverpool...eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years, eighteen years...sorry did I say eighteen years...and counting. Manchester United own Rafa Benitez. In the Barclays Premier League the record is this. Played 7, Won 6, tied 1. Nemanja Vidic is the most commanding center back in England. Owen Hargreaves may have cost Sir Alex Ferguson an arm and a leg but for every minute he plays take another ton of the hefty $34 million price tag. Patrice Evra is the most exciting left back in England. Questions were answered on Sunday and the grades are in. United and Arsenal get 'A's. Chelsea and Liverpool a big fat 'F'. Riise, John Arne, you used to be the darling of the Kop but I'll wager a weeks wages that come January you'll be surplus to requirements...why...try beating the first defender with a cross for once. Shevchenko, Andriy. If we want players who can't finish in the MLS we'll stick with the lads we've got at 1/100th of the price. Tevez, Carlos...form is fleeting, class is permanent. Have any of you ever seen a forward pairing (Tevez & Rooney) that works as hard as these two do on both sides of the ball. Ugly...but three points is three points. Van Persie, the Robin kind. I know you're a little rusty but c'mon. How many ways do you want to beat a keeper before you score? William Gallas, you know how to bite the hand that used to feed you however I suggest you find a new barber, you're current one seems to be blind. X-factor...just how important will that 5/6 point gap between the top two be at the end of the season. Y...are we always led to believe that big four clashes will be epic. Zero chance that either Liverpool or Chelsea will win the Premier League this season. I'm not really that bitter about Sunday but wouldn't it be nice, if just for once, the headline on foxsports.com was 'wow...football' and not the gridiron kind. Until then, get the beers in.