Thousands of Sportswriters Commit Suicide

Thousands of sportswriters across America committed suicide on Wednesday after finding out that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was not named to the 2007 Pro Bowl. It's believed that many aphixiated themselves while listening to Super Bowl XXXVIII on cassette in their cars. WEEI, the most popular sports talk radio station in America and beams out of Boston, is said to have gone off the air immediately as overbearing and obnoxious host Gerry Callahan passed out silver Kool-Aid that was laced with blue cyanide.

ESPN personalities -- including Sean Salisbury, Michael Smith, Mark Schlereth and Merril Hoge -- came close to suicide, but instead resigned, saying they won't work in a world that doesn't believe Tom Brady is infused with the spirit of Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Mother Theresa and Barack Obama.

That was a bit overdone and not remotely true, but only the rising of John Lennon and George Harrison could have overshadowed what happened.

Imagine my surprise when Tuesday's Pro Bowl lineups were announced, and the over-glorified Brady was left absent on the roster. I figured it was just a mistake. After all, there's nobody like Tom Brady. He's cute, he dates actresses and he had helped his team win three Super Bowls.

In the eyes of the know-nothing mainstream media, Brady can do no wrong. He is one of the many athletes they have latched on to, and when something comes about that doesn't spin him in a positive light, they'll unleash their fury through ESPN, the worldwide leader in crappy analysis and paintball.

Who was Brady left off for? Philip Rivers, the southern gent who took North Carolina State to four bowl games. The man who has been winning ever since high school. He was passed over for Eli Manning nearly three years ago, and Rivers is flourishing in his first full year.

"How could the fans and coaches be so ignorant?!" the mainstream idiots screamed on Wednesday. "Tom Brady is our king! We have taken up permanent residence in his rectum, and as a football fan, you should be outraged that you won't see his super sexy mug in Hawaii."

Yaaawn.

What's the gripe against Rivers? He wasn't good against Kansas City. Yes, Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times actually made the argument that since Rivers was not any good Sunday night, he should not be given a spot on the roster. Incredible.

And what did Jackie MacMullen of the Boston Globe, and Woody Paige of the Denver Post argue on Wednesday? He's Tom Brady! He could break his ankle, sit out an entire season and he should be given a spot on the Pro Bowl roster. STILL incredible.

Their real argument lies in the fact that Tom Brady has not been as good this year since he has lost Deion Branch, his offensive line has been inconsistent and their receivers just aren't very threatening. If the 2001, 2003 and 2004 Patriots were the Brady Bunch, the 2006 Patriots are the Brady Bunch minus Greg plus Cousin Oliver.

But what's their complaint about Rivers, besides that clunker on Sunday night against Kansas City? He has LaDanian Tomlinson, and he has Antonio Gates, Lorenzo Neal and possibly the best offensive line in the league.

It's quite simple in their eyes--Brady should be rewarded for having a less-than-stellar supporting cast, and Rivers should be punished because he plays with LT and Gates. Does this make any sense at all? You have to read this carefully and a few times just to let it sink in and see how unbelievably stupid and biased the media is towards Tom Brady. REWARDING him for playing with this team and getting to 9-5? As if Laurence Maroney and Corey Dillon and a Belichick defense deserves no credit?  And PUNISHING Rivers for playing on the best team in the league? What's next? Arguing against Peyton Manning because he has Marvin Harrison? Memo to sportswriters that are firmly entrenched in Brady's World: Joe Montana had Roger Craig, Steve Young had Jerry Rice and Troy Aikman had Michael Irvin. Should we disregard their numbers because their front office had the nerve to go get them a receiver?

And tt's not like Brady has blown Rivers out of the water. He has passed for six more yards per game, four more touchdowns, four more interceptions and two more lost fumbles. Rivers has a better completion percentage, and has a quarterback rating five points higher. It's not like they passed over Dan Marino for Ty Detmer in the Super Bowl--Brady has had a very ordinary season, and if we start putting guys in just because they didn't have a good supporting cast, Jon Kitna and David Carr would be dueling it out in The Most Meaningless Exhibition Ever.

AND consider this, out of New England's nine wins going into Week 16, how many of their victories have been really impressive? No, beating Houston 40-7 is not impressive. Nor is flogging Green Bay 35-0. Only two of their wins -- Chicago and Cincinnati -- have been something to brag about. Sorry, but you can't convince me that we should put Brady in Honolulu he split the season series against New York, Miami and Buffalo.

More than anything, people need to relax over Brady not going to the Pro Bowl. Read this carefully: it's the Pro Bowl. Not the Super Bowl, Ice Bowl or Meineke Car Care Bowl...Pro Bowl.