March is a beautiful time. Spring is on the way, baseball season draws closer and we get the riveting, all-encompassing March Madness that turns small-time gamblers into lowly degenerates and glues us to the television sets for games that we would not even pay the slightest attention to in any other month. Really, who wants to see Southeastern Louisiana State vs. Iowa in any month but March?

But in the NFL, the month of December is when the real madness begins. Call it "Mediocre Madness." Teams are left scrambling for the finish line, looking for that one victory that might land them at a solid 8-8 and punch their ticket to the playoffs.

Heading into Week 17, the NFC, which is once again trying to show that mediocrity still rules the roost as four teams are sitting at 7-8, and only one can make the sixth seed and enter either Texas Stadium or the Superdome or even Lincoln Financial in January.

But which team will it be? The Ugly American takes a look at the teams still left and breaks down their chances. On with the show...

1. New York Giants - Peyton's Little Brother is impressing no one as the G-Men continue to slip. Tom Coughlin's job is hanging in the balance, and Tiki Barber might be playing his last game. Remember when the Giants were 6-2 and seemingly invincible as far as the NFC East is concerned? Yeah, me either.

Why they will win: Because they are playing the Washington Redskins. The Redskins showed on Sunday that the St. Louis Rams still have a bit of that Greatest Show on Turf left in them. Gregg Williams's defense got shredded for 559 yards and made Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson look like Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk.

Why they will NOT win: Because they are playing the Washington Redskins. Before their disaster at The Ed, the 'Skins nearly knocked off playoff-bound Philadelphia and did defeat New Orleans, so they aren't completely a lay-up.

2. Green Bay Packers - Though I love Brett Favre, he's had more premature farewell tours than KISS, Roger Clemens and Jay-Z. Shockingly enough, the Packers have slipped under the radar and a team that was looking at a Top 5 pick before the season started is now making a push for the playoffs. Guess Favre wasn't lying when he said this may have been the best team he's ever had.

Why they will win: Because if this is indeed Favre's last game, he's not going down without a fight. They play the Chicago Bears, who have clinched everything in the NFC and have nothing to play for. If it comes down to Brian Griese and Bear scrubs versus a fired up Favre, I'm taking Favre.

Why they will NOT win: Lovie Smith might just go ahead and let his starters get a lot of time in since they won't be playing again until Memorial Day which is right around the time the divisional round begins.

3. Carolina Panthers - Hey, look, it's the preseason pick for Super Bowl champs! Oh, what's this? No running game? Jake Delhomme has become Jake Plummer? My, how the preseason champs fallen.

Why they will win: Like Green Bay, they are playing a team that might not have anything to play for in New Orleans. No Brees, no Bush, no McAllister, no problem for Carolina.

Why they will NOT win: When a person says that Delhomme has been bad this season, understand that he's been baaad. Plus, the first ever running back combo that have names beginning with "De" -- Angelo and Shaun -- have not been consistent. It might be more fun to just start adding "De" to Panther players. DeSteve Smith, DeKeyshawn Johnson, DeJulius Peppers...

4. St. Louis Rams - Believe it or not, the Rams are hanging around. They started out 4-1, went on a massive slide that included an embarrassing loss to Arizona, got whacked by San Diego, gashed by Kansas City and heartbroken by Seattle. Yet thanks to a soft spot in the schedule, the Rams have taken two straight victories against Oakland and Washington.

Why they will win: Minnesota has a very sad passing offense, which plays into St. Louis's hands. Marc Bulger carved up Washington's defense after Scott Linehan received a memo telling him that yes, teams in the NFL are still allowed to

a. run more than four plays

b. score

Why the will NOT win: Too much has to happen for the Rams to make the playoffs. The Panthers, Giants and Falcons all have to lose, and they have to win. Those aren't exactly great odds.

5. Atlanta Falcons - It's getting tiring waiting for Michael Vick to develop into a NFL quarterback rather than a guy who dances around and throws to Alge Crumpler. The Falcons are falling fast after it looked like they were going to be the greatest rushing team of all-time at the beginning of the season.

Why they will win: They won't.

Why they will NOT win: The reasons are plenty. First of all, it doesn't matter that Vick "found himself" against the Cowboys. He lost it against the Panthers. Secondly, hasn't Jim Mora, Jr. all but checked out? Wouldn't a trip to the playoffs just distract him from purchasing real estate in the state of Washington? Mora has more important things to do right now than start scheming for the Philadelphia Eagles, like putting Ty Willingham out of a job. Arthur Blank is sharpening his ax, sipping his gin and counting down the seconds until he can finally rid Atlanta of the future coach of the Washington Huskies. For pete's sake, he's probably already started recruitng!

Talk show host: Jim, how do you prepare for the Eagles and try to get this team into the playoffs?

Junior: (chuckles) As my dad would say, "playoffs?! playoffs?!?! what -- you're talking about playoffs? We'll be lucky if I decide to even coach the game!"

 

 

Thousands of Sportswriters Commit Suicide

Thousands of sportswriters across America committed suicide on Wednesday after finding out that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was not named to the 2007 Pro Bowl. It's believed that many aphixiated themselves while listening to Super Bowl XXXVIII on cassette in their cars. WEEI, the most popular sports talk radio station in America and beams out of Boston, is said to have gone off the air immediately as overbearing and obnoxious host Gerry Callahan passed out silver Kool-Aid that was laced with blue cyanide.

ESPN personalities -- including Sean Salisbury, Michael Smith, Mark Schlereth and Merril Hoge -- came close to suicide, but instead resigned, saying they won't work in a world that doesn't believe Tom Brady is infused with the spirit of Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Mother Theresa and Barack Obama.

That was a bit overdone and not remotely true, but only the rising of John Lennon and George Harrison could have overshadowed what happened.

Imagine my surprise when Tuesday's Pro Bowl lineups were announced, and the over-glorified Brady was left absent on the roster. I figured it was just a mistake. After all, there's nobody like Tom Brady. He's cute, he dates actresses and he had helped his team win three Super Bowls.

In the eyes of the know-nothing mainstream media, Brady can do no wrong. He is one of the many athletes they have latched on to, and when something comes about that doesn't spin him in a positive light, they'll unleash their fury through ESPN, the worldwide leader in crappy analysis and paintball.

Who was Brady left off for? Philip Rivers, the southern gent who took North Carolina State to four bowl games. The man who has been winning ever since high school. He was passed over for Eli Manning nearly three years ago, and Rivers is flourishing in his first full year.

"How could the fans and coaches be so ignorant?!" the mainstream idiots screamed on Wednesday. "Tom Brady is our king! We have taken up permanent residence in his rectum, and as a football fan, you should be outraged that you won't see his super sexy mug in Hawaii."

Yaaawn.

What's the gripe against Rivers? He wasn't good against Kansas City. Yes, Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times actually made the argument that since Rivers was not any good Sunday night, he should not be given a spot on the roster. Incredible.

And what did Jackie MacMullen of the Boston Globe, and Woody Paige of the Denver Post argue on Wednesday? He's Tom Brady! He could break his ankle, sit out an entire season and he should be given a spot on the Pro Bowl roster. STILL incredible.

Their real argument lies in the fact that Tom Brady has not been as good this year since he has lost Deion Branch, his offensive line has been inconsistent and their receivers just aren't very threatening. If the 2001, 2003 and 2004 Patriots were the Brady Bunch, the 2006 Patriots are the Brady Bunch minus Greg plus Cousin Oliver.

But what's their complaint about Rivers, besides that clunker on Sunday night against Kansas City? He has LaDanian Tomlinson, and he has Antonio Gates, Lorenzo Neal and possibly the best offensive line in the league.

It's quite simple in their eyes--Brady should be rewarded for having a less-than-stellar supporting cast, and Rivers should be punished because he plays with LT and Gates. Does this make any sense at all? You have to read this carefully and a few times just to let it sink in and see how unbelievably stupid and biased the media is towards Tom Brady. REWARDING him for playing with this team and getting to 9-5? As if Laurence Maroney and Corey Dillon and a Belichick defense deserves no credit?  And PUNISHING Rivers for playing on the best team in the league? What's next? Arguing against Peyton Manning because he has Marvin Harrison? Memo to sportswriters that are firmly entrenched in Brady's World: Joe Montana had Roger Craig, Steve Young had Jerry Rice and Troy Aikman had Michael Irvin. Should we disregard their numbers because their front office had the nerve to go get them a receiver?

And tt's not like Brady has blown Rivers out of the water. He has passed for six more yards per game, four more touchdowns, four more interceptions and two more lost fumbles. Rivers has a better completion percentage, and has a quarterback rating five points higher. It's not like they passed over Dan Marino for Ty Detmer in the Super Bowl--Brady has had a very ordinary season, and if we start putting guys in just because they didn't have a good supporting cast, Jon Kitna and David Carr would be dueling it out in The Most Meaningless Exhibition Ever.

AND consider this, out of New England's nine wins going into Week 16, how many of their victories have been really impressive? No, beating Houston 40-7 is not impressive. Nor is flogging Green Bay 35-0. Only two of their wins -- Chicago and Cincinnati -- have been something to brag about. Sorry, but you can't convince me that we should put Brady in Honolulu he split the season series against New York, Miami and Buffalo.

More than anything, people need to relax over Brady not going to the Pro Bowl. Read this carefully: it's the Pro Bowl. Not the Super Bowl, Ice Bowl or Meineke Car Care Bowl...Pro Bowl.

It's almost that time. Just one week till people everywhere tear open presents and begin thinking about what to exchange them for the next day. Ryan gets in the spirit and doles out gifts to major sports stars.

We here at the UA (Ugly American) appreciate the holidays. We don't get caught up in the pageantry and the commercialism that has taken Baby Jesus and plopped him down on the level of a baby that is as important as the kids doing Huggies, it isn't our thing.

But instead of smacking you upside the head with religious stuff that might make you feel uncomfortable, we'll get on the level of everyone and start handing out Christmas gifts to major sports stars. And don't be surprised if Terrell Owens receives one of Prancer's yule logs. On with the gifts:

Tom Brady: Skin to cover up that chin cleft. Those things are fine, until it looks like you could lose a finger if it gets close.

Bill Belichick: Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan's wardrobe. This January, would it be possible for you to take a step up on the clothes you wear? I realize it's cold and I sympathize with this because I can't stand the chills. But Vince Lombardi and Tom Landry didn't wear clothes from the agape house during the Ice Bowl, and neither should you during a game played in 30 degree weather.

Peyton Manning: The ability to beat a 3-4 defense. It's coming up on January, which means another installment of Manning throwing all over the place against a 3-4 defense that eats him for lunch and regurgitates him for dinner. Not even the comfort of the RCA Dome will save Manning this year (just like last year). However, my gift to Manning will help the Colts out some, but they'll ultimately fail because I can't give them a run defense.

LaDanian Tomlinson: Health. The only thing that is going to stop you from getting your ring is an injury.

Shawne Merriman: Creatine, Flinstones vitamins and raw eggs stirred in a glass with some skim milk. Hey, Shawne, if you're going to pump up, can't you do it honestly?

Sean Salisbury: Resolve. Salisbury picks a new team for the Super Bowl every hour he is awake. It's rumored that he has even gone so far as to picking the Utah Jazz, but upon hearing that the Jazz are in the NBA, Salisbury screamed that he is the most respected NFL analyst ever and he was just testing us.

Rex Grossman: A new nickname. "Sexy Rexie?" Please.

Carmello Anthony: Horse tranquilizer. Settle down, 'Melo. Make an R&B album and chill out.

LeBron James: A healthy Larry Hughes. A healthy Hughes could give the Cavs the edge they need in the playoffs.

Albert Pujols: Another MVP. You were robbed in '06, El Hombre.

Derek Jeter: Less media coverage. I could care less about your pretty good numbers. Unless you're great, I don't need to know about what you do.

Chris Berman: A severance package. You were cute in 1980, you're annoying now. Get lost, leather. (10,000 cool points to whomever gets that)

Who's #1?

Can you ever remember a year when we were talking about the NFL Rookie of the Year? Usually it goes by the wayside just like the Lou Groza, Silver Slugger and Mr. Nice Guy awards. Unless you are a Rookie of the Year historian, or a portly gentleman with a bad goatee, you just don't know who the NFL's Rookie of the Year is because it never matters. The reward is a trip to Dollywood with 58-year-old women dressed as rhinestone cowgirls.

That all changed this year.

Has there ever been a more electric rookie class? This is the NFL's version of the 2003 NBA rookie class, you know--the LeBron, 'Mello and D-Wade class. The 2006 NFL rookie class was loaded with the gems: Leinart, Young and Bush with a dash of Mario Williams and Jay Cutler.

But who is the Rookie of the Year? The choices have been unofficially narrowed down to Vince Young, Reggie Bush, Maurice Jones-Drew and Devin Hester. In the spirit of the '03 NBA rookie class, each of the candidates will be listed with a personalized nickname that hopefully catches on.

VY

Young has been deemed "a winner." He passes for 82 yards and two interceptions--he's a winner. He completes 42% of his passes--he's a winner. That's Jeter territory. The sports media has perpetuated a myth that says a quarterback who wins, wins despite his mediocre numbers. And don't forget this: VY has mediocre numbers. Even during the recent hot streak he's thrown for more two more touchdowns than interceptions. Color me not impressed by VY. He's a fantastic talent, but is playing with a solid supporting cast. In case people have forgotten, Travis Henry is in his backfield, Norm Chow is in the booth and he's got a solid defense that held Indianapolis to 17 points and helped the Titans crawl back from a 21-0 deficit with nine minutes left against New York.

VY has proven that he can get it done despite average numbers. His overtime scramble against Houston was a thing of beauty, but I'm not about to buy him as the next Elway. He's not even Jim Harbaugh circa '95.

President Bush

This Commander-in-Chief of the Aints is going to shatter the rookie receptions record--and he's a running back. He got off to a slow start and has yet to show that he can run between the tackles, but when he gets the ball, it's a thing to behold. VY gives a slight juke that throws off a defender, the Prez bounces, jukes, spins, crawls, hurdles and flips between defenders.

Bush is doing to NFL defenses what he did to college defenses. They flail around like Fresno State and UCLA did a year ago, and the transformation has happened so quickly.

Hesteria

The NFL hasn't seen a return man like Hesteria in a long time. He's good enough to make you want to belt out Def Leppard tunes in honor of his nickname. Let's try something...

Take a "Photograph" of Hester being an "Animal" and "Let's Get Rocked." And for chrissakes, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" when Hester gets going because I get all hot and sticky sweet.

Match that, Stu Scott. I just named four Leppard megahits about a guy who returns kicks--and not much else. He has made five tackles, and his voice is higher than Mike Tyson's. But the guy has six returns for touchdowns and became only the second player to ever return two in one game when he did against the hapless Rams.

Mo' Money, Mo' Drew

All right, now I'm getting into Chris Berman's territory. Dumb nicknames that make no sense and play off of stupid rap songs. But God help me, I love it.

Mo' Money came out of UCLA, meaning he did a couple of games against fellow Rookie of the Year candidate President Bush. Mo' Money has been every bit as good as Bush. He probably won't get 1,000 yards, but he has over six yards per carry and nine touchdowns. Thirty-three receptions for 332 yards is also pretty impressive.

Drew was made candidate after an impressive, but hollow, performance against the Indianapolis Colts, and he's going to be the top back for the Jaguars soon. The leading back, Fred Taylor, is made out of fiberglass and is being held together by

band-aids and Bubble-Yum.

Hollywood Leinart

2006 has not been kind to Hollywood.

First, he lost to Texas in the Rose Bowl.

Then, he fooled around with a 5'7" version of the clap, Paris

Hilton.

And he knocked up girlfriend/whatever Brynn Cameron.

And finally he dropped from consensus #1 pick in 2005 draft to forgettable #10 pick in 2006 draft and was sent to NFL Hell, Arizona, where he played understudy to Kurt Warner.

By Week 5, he was playing, and he almost defeated Chicago in his first start on "Monday Night Football." Then it got bad, and they lost to the Oakland Raiders. Things have been better lately. He's won three of his last three games and has passed for over 2,000 yards in 10 games. Leinart has completely fallen off the map of relevance. He's now J.J. Redick, only he's healthy and pretty good.

Consider this: he's thrown for the same amount of touchdowns as VY, the same amount of interceptions and three fewer rushing touchdowns while completing a better percentage of passes and thrown for 400 more yards in two fewer games.

"But, Ryan," you say, "he's got Anquain Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald and Edgerrin James! He's loaded!"Not exactly. Yes, he's got two super receivers in Boldin and Fitz, but James has been a collossal bust without a decent offensive line. And let's see Young try to complete nearly 60% of his passes behind the Arizona Cardinals' line. He would be reduced to running every single down.

If we're going by numbers, Leinart is the guy, but because he plays on such a bad team, he'll be completely ignored. Meanwhile, Young's latest surge will lead to him getting many, many votes.

Oh, to be a Titan...

 

There's probably not a more polarizing outfielder than J.D. Drew. That's probably. After all, Barry Bonds is still using a walker to patrol left field, and he is the most hated sports figure since Bill Romanowski. But Drew is a special case, because he doesn't split the lines between rival fans. Giant fans probably didn't have a special hatred reserved for him like Red Sox fans do for Derek Jeter or Bucky Dent. Drew comes between the old school and new school fans-old-timers versus sabermetricians. The old school loathes him, citing his constant injuries and whiny persona that has caught on from Tony La Russa's description in "Three Nights in August." If J.D. Drew were to take himself out of the lineup for having a sprained ankle, why that old school fan would tell him to rub some dirt on it and quit being a baby. Imagine Drew playing for Lou Piniella: Drew: Can't make it today, my fingers are aching and I rolled over my ankle. Piniella: YOUUUUU BABY! SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND PUT ON THAT UNIFORM! Drew: (dialing Scott Boras's number) Sccooot, Lou is trying to make me play through an injury again and I don't feel like it. Yeah, okay, here he is. (hands the phone to Lou) Lou: Yes? Scott: Lou, this is Scott Boras, superagent and lowlife extraordinaire. I'm also J.D.'s mommyslashbabysitterslashlifesupport. Why are you trying to make my little boy play through pain? Lou: It's baseball! Scott: It's dangerous is what it is. I'm protecting an investment. You'll be getting a fax excusing J.D. from the next few games. It would be high comedy, right there between "Stuck On You" and "Meet the Deedles." But the new schoolers wouldn't laugh. They would laugh at the people who don't understand just what Drew brings to the table. What he brings (when he plays) is a high on-base percentage, good pop and good defense. He's a sabermetric wet dream, but an old school nightmare. The relationship between fans and Drew is a unique one, because no other exists in sports. So, who is right in all of this madness? The new breed is right to point out his good production. There aren't many outfielders with a .900 OPS who play defense as well as Drew. At 31, he is bound to see a few more good years although his slugging percentage has been dropping the past two seasons. But don't the old schoolers have a point? He has had some minor injuries that even a hemophiliac would smirk at. They point out that he loafs to balls, and that he gives less than 100%, although something like this is hard to prove. They also cite how he is greedy, although most athletes are. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest move to re-enter the draft after the Philadelphia Phillies took him and couldn't pony up the cash in 1997. After that, Drew was back at Florida State and then drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals a year later. His act was seen as unforgivable by Phillie fans and they greeted him with a chorus of boos and a few batteries. Santa Claus isn't the only guy that doesn't feel safe in Philadelphia. After being drafted by the Cardinals, Drew spent the next few seasons on and off the disabled list. When he played, he produced. Scouts once said that Drew had a swing that had not been seen since Mickey Mantle, but that swing was usually glued to the bench sipping Gatorade and thinking about his next paycheck. It was in 2003 that the Cardinals finally had enough of Drew. With him coming up on his walk year and knowing fully well they would not be able to afford his next contract, the Cardinals swung him to the Atlanta Braves on Dec. 31, 2003 for Ray King, Jason Marquis and prospect Adam Wainwright. The relationship between Drew and La Russa goes as far as La Russa's comments about giving 75% in "3NA." It was the right move for La Russa, who at an advanced age did not want to deal with another guy he compared to Rickey Henderson. Predictably, Drew came up big for the Braves in 2004, as he set career highs in almost every category possible. Predictably, Drew walked at the end of the season and signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers for $55 million over five years which held an opt-out clause. And predictably, Drew walked, leaving $33 million and three years left with the Dodgers for a market that was out of control. And the Boston Red Sox came a callin'. Trot Nixon, an injury prone right fielder who couldn't hit lefties was out, and the Sox gave Drew $70 million and five years. Drew was a prime target for general manager Theo Epstein. Epstein craved on-base percentage like most nerdy sabermetricians do. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but he was so enamored by Drew's ability to watch ball four that he completely looked past the injuries and gave him the money. Now Sox fans are up in arms. "How can we give this sissy the dough?!" they ask. Good question. One answer would be that they are the Boston Red Sox, and they can. The other answer would be that he's a much better alternative than trading for Jacque Jones. Red Sox fans apparently demand a lot from their right fielders, namely at-bats, which they don't think Drew can give them. But am I missing something? Weren't Red Sox fans transplanted with a splice of DNA that makes their level of baseball knowledge and appreciation a significant cut above your run-of-the-mill Milwaukee Brewer, Chicago Cub or Arrogant Yankee fan? Keep in mind that two of the biggest baseball dorks ever work, or have worked for the organization they bleed for-Bill James and Epstein. Don't they have faith in a GM that won a World Series? The answer is a resounding no, and a trade for Jones, Luke Scott or putting a high schooler out there would be a better option than playing that woman. Baseball season is still five months away, and already the J.D. Drew Era in Boston is off to a rocky start. And he should pay attention: Edgar Renteria was run out of town after one season. Playing in Boston is not the same as playing in the forgiving right fields of St. Louis or the "we're just here for the party" of Los Angeles. Boston fans will make his name a curse word on WEEI if he doesn't show up and play 150 games. Both new schoolers and old schoolers are right with their assessment of J.D. Yes, Drew is a sissy and a bit of a whiner, but he puts up numbers which leads to winning which leads to fan happiness. Sure he doesn't give style points, but baseball is not a beauty contest. Maybe someday, Drew will play for a fanbase that regards his injuries as a quirkiness and finds them adorable while also loudly cheering him when he plays. Hey, it's possible, what else have the Colorado Rockies fans had to cheer for?