I need to post more columns since the deadline is approaching, but I've been feeling both a bit uncreative and mean-spirited.  Maybe if I let loose some of this venom, my passages will become unblocked and the creativity will flow. 

Doing something like this probably brings me one step closer to hell, but if I'm one of the 16 finalists, it will be well worth it.

Accordingly, I present the All-Ugly NBA team.

Greg Ostertag

This is actually Ostertag on a good day.  If you watch Utah Jazz games, you will occasionally see him spit out his two-front-false teeth and roll them around in his mouth.  But that's nothing compared to this.

Ostertag danced on the stage during an event for Kings' season ticket holders.  Apparently, there were children in attendance.  It would not be an exaggeration to classify this as a crime against humanity.

 Chris Kaman

This is what I wrote about Kaman in a previous column:

"It is absolutely terrifying to look at Kaman.  He's not scary like Ray Lewis, but more like "my car broke down in the backwoods of Tennessee and now there's a large, stringy-haired man dressed in a plaid shirt and jean overalls carrying a shotgun and he's staring at me" scary. 

There's just something about Kaman that doesn't seem right.  It's reminiscent of the scene in "Men in Black" when the alien comes to earth and puts on the body of that backwoods guy, only it's clear to the wife that there's something wrong with the way he looks and moves (such as water spouting out of his stomach when he drinks sugar water).  Is such a scenario really that implausible for Kaman?  And now he's teamed up with Sam Cassell?  Come on, that can't be a coincidence." 

 Sam Cassell

 A continuation of that article.  (Maybe I shouldn't repeat stuff from before, but I figure the chances of someone reading my past article and this one are about the same as Britney Spears' marriage lasting another year).

"At least Kaman took on a disguise, I think Cassell just landed on earth, grabbed a can of brown spray paint, and put on some gym shorts.  It's almost like he's daring us to call him on it."

 Shrek

Initially, I was disappointed that Popey Jones isn't in the league anymore because I couldn't do the Shrek comparison.  But to my delight, the Mavericks have DJ Mbenga playing for them.  A poor man's Popey Jones, but I'm thrilled nonetheless.

Martynas Andriuskevicius

I know that we all went through this awkward time growing up -- gangly growth spurts, acne breakouts and odd voice changes.  We felt insecure and extremely sensitive if anyone made any unkind comments.  So I probably shouldn't make fun of Martynas.  The only difference was I was still in junior high, not in the NBA making millions.  So sorry, pizza face, you're on the list.  (I know, I know, not nice).

Boston Celtics

Raef Lafrentz and Kevin McHale

Brian Scalabrine and Bill Walton

Al Jefferson and Robert Parrish

To make it complete, you know who the Celtics have to draft next year.  Please, please, Danny, make this happen.