Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

Indianapolis @ St. Louis (+13)

The 0-6 Rams host the 5-0 Colts, fresh off a bye week, in what would appear to result in a lopsided outcome, as the Colts so far have looked to be as unstoppable as the Rams are stoppable. But the Rams showed progress, playing well in a 23-20 overtime loss in Jacksonville.

"So the Rams showed promise in defeat?" says Peyton Manning. "Well, then, they shouldn't be surprised by my promise of defeat. St. Louis used to be the home of the 'Greatest Show on Turf.' No more. Now their quarterbacks are the only ones 'shown' the turf. I hear they're renaming the Gateway Arch the 'Arch de Triumph' in honor of all the visiting teams that have emerged victorious in St. Louis."

"Hey, there's a lot of pride in this franchise," says Steve Spagnuolo. "We may not be going to the playoffs this year, but when the Rams do make the playoffs, they reach the Super Bowl on a consistent basis. That's more than I can say for some franchises. I won't name names, but we're playing them Sunday. Let's just say that for the Colts, the 'fade route' is not only a pass pattern, it often describe the ends to their seasons.

"With that being said, we know we'll have to score to keep pace with the Colts offense. If there's any vulnerability in their defense, it's right up the gut. That's where we'll have to attack with Steven Jackson. With success running the ball, we'll keep Manning on the sideline, where he can casually browse photos of the Rams defense, or maybe some promising scripts for upcoming ads."

Hey, is that Bob Sanders in street clothes on the Indy sideline? Yes, it is, which can mean only one thing: business as usual for the Colts. Manning throws for 3 touchdowns, and the no-huddle offense continually catches the Rams defense off-guard, as Manning ironically catches St. Louis napping by quick-snapping after "counting sheep."

Indianapolis wins, 38-20.

San Diego @ Kansas City (+4½)

Two weeks ago, Chargers general manager A.J. Smith called his team "soft," a statement that served as both a challenge and an accusation. In Monday night's 34-23 loss to AFC West rival Denver, San Diego did nothing to prove Smith wrong. The Broncos are still undefeated and the Chargers, at 2-3, face a steep, uphill climb to get back into the division race.

"Hey, somebody had to have the 'Norv' to call this team out," says Smith. "We were atrocious in all phases of the game, including special teams. They say lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place, but apparently Eddie Royal does.

"Anyway, there's no point crying over spilled milk now. Why? Because the Chargers are crying over another dairy product, ice cream, because they got 'soft-served' by the Broncos."

The 1-5 Chiefs are as hot as a 1-5 team can be after Indian-giving the Redskins a 14-6 loss that not only sent scalps flying, but will also likely send heads rolling in Washington. A win over the Chargers would likely have a similar effect in San Diego.

"Hey, we're used to the play in Kansas City getting Chiefs coaches fired," says Larry Johnson, "but now it's resulting in opposing coaches getting fired. I guess turnabout is fair play."

The Chargers troubles start with their lines - offensively, they're not protecting Philip Rivers. Defensively, there's no pressure on the opposing quarterback. The only person linebacker Shawne Merriman has roughed up this year is Tila Tequila. With their season fading fast, there's probably only one word Turner can say to encourage his team to play hard for the remainder of the year. That word? "Pride?" No, "wildcard."

San Diego wins, 23-19.

New England vs. Tampa Bay (+14)

Tom Brady threw 6 touchdown passes, one for each of Mike and Carol's six children, as the Patriots pounded the Titans, 59-0, to improve to 4-2 and take over first in the AFC East. Brady threw five of his TDs in the second quarter, breaking the NFL record for touchdown passes in a quarter.

"Call it a Brady 'bunch,'" says Brady. "I understand the Titans haven't won a game since beating the world champion Steelers in Week 16 last year. So, they went from stomping on towels to throwing in towels."

"As for running up the score, I resent those accusations. There's nothing safer than a 45-0 lead than a 52-0 lead, or a 59-0 lead. Besides, we now know what it takes to get Vince Young on the field - not his own talent, but a lack of it on the part of his teammates. Vince seems to be a shell of his former self. And speaking of 'shell,' did you know that if you hold Vince's helmet up to your ear, you can hear the ocean? That's with his head in it."

Three of Brady's touchdown scores went to Randy Moss, who looks forward to putting on a show for the fans at Wembley Stadium in London.

"I'm just a country boy from West Virginia," says Moss, "so the chance to travel overseas is a big deal. Shoot, there was a time in my life when 'international flavor' meant nothing more than a 40 of Olde English malt liquor. Football has opened so many doors for me. Now, 'international flavor' means downing a 40 of OE in England."

"But I plan to enjoy my time there, not only on the field, but off the field as well. There's so many blokes I'd like to meet, like Royal Albert Hall, the Duke And Duchess of Oven, England Dan and John Ford Coley, and Baron Davis."

Is Brady truly back to the impeccable form he showed before his knee injury? If he impregnates English model Kate Moss, he's definitely back. And can Raheem Morris hold his own against Bill Belichick? Maybe in a freestyle rap battle, but not on the sidelines in London.

New England wins, 32-13.

Green Bay @ Cleveland (+6½)

To keep pace with the 6-0 Vikings, the 3-2 Packers can't afford a letdown in Cleveland after last Sunday's 26-0 win over the Lions, especially with the division-leading Vikings and Brett Favre coming to Green Bay the following week.

"For the first time in nearly two years," says Aaron Rodgers, "Favre is able to say 'I can't wait to get back to Green Bay' and mean it. I'm sure it will be emotional for him as well as the fans. He'll be met with a mixture of cheers and boos in Lambeau, both of which, despite their different sounds, leave the same message: 'I wish Favre was still our quarterback.'"

"Now, as a member of the quarterback fraternity, I've got to support my brethren in Cleveland. I know Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn have had a rough go of it. In Anderson's case, he really doesn't have much to work with. That's not a knock on his receivers, that's a knock on his coach, Eric Mangini."

"As for Quinn, it's never good to hear your name associated with 'trade bait.' That's not fair to Quinn. The word 'bait' implies that another team actually wants him. I'm no angler, but I'd never bait my hook with an overrated Notre Dame quarterback. Okay, now I'm done."

In a perfect world, Quinn would be the Browns savior at quarterback, and Mangini would lead the people of the Dawg Pound to prosperity. And, visible from Cleveland Stadium, there'd be a huge mural of Mangini, fondly known as "Touchdown Man-Jesus." Sadly, though, there's very little that's good in Cleveland, much less perfect, although Joshua Cribbs comes close to perfection, and the Browns are receiving a lot of kickoffs.

Green Bay wins, 31-16.

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh (-4)

For the first time in his career, Brett Favre is 6-0 after a sterling 21-of-29, 278-yard, 3-touchdown day led the Vikes to a 33-31 win over the Ravens. Favre tossed two scores to tight end Visanthe Shiancoe, and Minnesota sweated out a late field goal miss by the Ravens that preserved the win.

"To anyone who said I wouldn't fit in with this team," says Favre, "I can only say this: 'You're all full of Shhhhhhhhhiancoe.' But no one can deny that this offense is running smoothly. I think I'm responsible. There were questions about how my new teammate would accept me. I think those questions have been answered. When I speak, Vikings listen, almost, but not quite as well they do to the guy calling 'strokes' aboard the SS Natch on a Lake Minnetonka cruise."

The Steelers could very well be undefeated if not for the uncharacteristic inaccuracies of kicker Jeff Reed, whose misses against the Bears cost the Steelers dearly. Reed was perfect in a 27-14 win over the Browns, but was arrested the following morning on charges including public intoxication and resisting arrest.

"It's not Reed's first brush with the law," says Mike Tomlin. "He's been in trouble with the police before, but this time, it's not the fashion police citing him for a wacked-out hairdo. No, it's much worse. Reed was outside a bar acting a fool, and he allegedly wanted to fight with police. Luckily, police diffused the situation by circling to their right, because any of Reed's punches were likely to miss wide left. Fortunately, Reed wasn't Tasered, which, ironically, is how he got that silly hairdo in the first place."

It's a rematch of Super Bowl IX, when the Steelers beat the Vikings, 16-6. That game featured Hall of Fame quarterbacks Terry Bradshaw and Fran Tarkenton, who both went on to successful television careers. As Favre's cameo in There's Something About Mary, and Ben Roethlisberger's turn as host of WWE's Monday Night Raw, displayed, Academy Awards are not in their future. But an epic battle at Heinz Field is.

Steelers win, 27-26.

San Francisco @ Houston (-3)

The 49ers, coming off a bye, have had an extra week to examine Week 5's 45-10 loss to the Falcons. Head coach Mike Singletary sternly reminded his team of the importance of not looking ahead, and focusing on the task at hand before savoring the benefits.

"It was our bye week," says Singletary, "but you could also call it a 'Bly' week. Dre has been the 'butt' of more jokes than Beyonce.

"I think Dre knows by now that he's best off not trying to imitate Deion Sanders on the field. Dre'd be better served imitating Deion off the field, of which the best way is to put on his Sunday's finest and conduct some questionable business with some shady NFL agents. Then have non-football fans guess whether you're a preacher or a pimp.

"As you know, Michael Crabtree will be starting at wide receiver. Some may think we're rushing him, but I think he's ready enough. I'd say he's about 90% prepared. Toss in 10% from a bail bondsman, and he's totally prepared to start."

The Texans are 3-3, and are one of those Forrest Gump "box of chocolates" teams, because you never know what you're going to get. One week, the Texans look great, as they did last week in a 28-17 win in Cincinnati. Another week, they'll look awful, as they did in a 24-7 loss to the Jets in Week 1. With the Colts not yet showing signs of a late-season swoon, it's imperative that the "good" Texans show up each Sunday.

"Hey, you're winsome," says Matt Schaub, "and you lose some. I know, watching us play is a lot like watching a tennis match. And, when Mario Williams accosts a diminutive Asian line judge, it's even more like watching a tennis match."

Houston wins, 24-20.

Buffalo @ Carolina (-7)

Despite wins by both the Bills and Panthers, last Sunday was not a particularly satisfying day for superstar wide receivers Terrell Owens and Steve Smith. Owens had only three catches for 13 yards in the Bills' 16-13 win over the jets, while Smith registered a single catch for 4 yards in Carolina 28-21 win over the Bucs.

"Hey, we're just glad to get out of Tampa with a win," says John Fox. "At this point, any win feels good. It may have been a game we were expected to win, but the Gatorade bath feels good just the same. Follow that with a bucket of cold water dumped on two Panther cheerleaders to separate their carnal embrace inside a sports bar bathroom stall, and our work in Tampa is done.

"I think Owens or Smith, or both, is due for a big game. The Bills investment in Owens really hasn't paid off. Talk about an 'overdue' Bill. That's another case of life imitating art. In The T.O. Show, nothing happened, either. As for Smith, I know he's discouraged, and it's crazy for him to say he's not an 'asset.' He is. For Christ's sake, with liabilities like Jake Delhomme, we've got to have assets like Smith just to reconcile our balance sheet."

Fox and his offensive coordinator should make it a point to get Smith the ball. If he's outplayed by the likes of T.O., Smith is likely to retreat into a shell, or worse, a trunk.

Although both Carolina, at 2-3, and Buffalo, 2-4, are in a "blue" state, the play-calling will still be "conservative." Risk-taking to Fox and Dick Jauron means little more than running a yellow light. The Bills have the NFL's worst rush defense, a fact which plays right into Fox's unimaginative game plan. But why "imagine" when you don't have to?

DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart combine for 201 yards on the ground, and Smith doesn't catch a TD pass, but he does throw one to Muhsin Muhammad.

Carolina wins, 22-17.

NY Jets @ Oakland (+7)

If the Jets were the "Flavor of the Month" in September, then their 0-3 record in October has certainly left a sour taste in their mouths. In a 16-13 overtime loss to the Bills, Mark Sanchez threw 5 interceptions, Kris Jenkins was lost for the year, and the Jets bungled the snap on the potential game-winning field goal.

"Those are the least of our worries," says Sanchez. "Right now, we're questioning ourselves. Questions like 'What happened?' 'How can we turn this streak around?' And 'How the heck did we beat the Patriots?' With a November 22nd date in New England looming, I think many of those 59 points the Pats dropped on the Titans were directed at us. Incidentally, 'Sanchise' merchandise is at a bargain basement price, just like my fantasy value."

The Raiders improved to 2-4, as they somehow found the wherewithal to stun the Eagles 13-9, a victory that is sure to give Raider fans enough hope to ride out the remainder of a 4-12 season. But you've got to give the organization credit. Just when it looked like they were ready to implode, they rebounded with a huge victory.

"It's funny how a fluky 86-yard touchdown pass from JaMarcus Russell to Zach Miller can temporarily mask the deficiencies of a troubled franchise," says former Raider Rich Gannon. "There, I said it. Al Davis' skills as an owner are atrocious, and Tom Cable gives new meaning to 'suspect' leadership. Until this team is overhauled from the top down, starting with a 'Davis-ectomy,' they can expect wins like these to be the highlight of their year."

With the Raiders holding a tenuous 16-13 lead late in the fourth quarter with the Jets driving, satellite transmission of the game is interrupted by an unexpected showing of "Heidi Ho: Swiss Miss," the sequel to the adult feature "Heidi Ho: Mount Often," which chronicled the sexual exploits of a promiscuous Swiss orphan. Oddly enough, complaints to the network are limited.

Thomas Jones scores late to give the Jets a 20-16 win.

Atlanta @ Dallas (-3)

A week after playing in the spotlight of NBC's Sunday night game, Matt Ryan and the hot Falcons face something even more daunting - playing under the massive video board above the playing field in Dallas Stadium. While the Cowboys themselves don't necessarily intimidate, the video screen casts a long shadow, much like the five Lombardi Trophies do on the legacy of Tony Romo.

"There is no doubt a lot of history with the Cowboys," says Ryan. "The Cowboy franchise is the most-valued in the league, and the Dallas 'star' is emblematic of excellence in the NFL. That's why a win at Dallas would mean so much to me. It would be a defining victory, as well as a 'brand' spanking."

The Cowboys bye week has already been a success, what with the three NFC East counterparts all losing. Dallas in 3-2, tied with the Eagles for second and trailing the Giants by a game.

"See, good things are just as likely to happen to us when we don't play than when we do," says Jerry Jones. "I guess I have to credit that to coach Wade Phillips. That's why I'll use this opportunity to reiterate that Phillips' job is safe for this year. Only in Dallas does the owner feel compelled to address the coach's future after a win."

Dallas victories are a lot like Travis Henry's children - you have to question their legitimacy. Tampa Bay, Carolina, and Kansas City are a combined 3-14, and they were all winless when the Cowboys beat them.

Atlanta wins, 30-23.

New Orleans @ Miami (+7)

Who do you think is most excited about the Saints impressive 5-0 start? Why, those persnickety curmudgeons representing the 1972 Dolphins 17-0 team, whose feeble hearts always seem to race when a team blasts out of the gate in undefeated style. Once again, the Dolphins have a chance to pin a loss on an undefeated team, thereby giving those '72 Dolphins not only a reason to drink, but a reason to live.

"It's hard to believe anyone would wish ill will upon the NFL's reigning 'Man of the Year,'" says Drew Brees, "but those '72 Dolphins have it out for me. Their lack of shame is matched only by their lack of continence."

After an 0-3 start, the Dolphins have won two in a row, and now trail the AFC East-leading Patriots by a single game in the loss column. After a bye week, you can expect a rested Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to give the Saints several looks at the 'wildcat' formation.

"Hey, despite the 1972 Dolphins selfish attitudes," says Williams, "I like what this organization represents. Nothing indicates a commitment to winning more than having Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas owning a piece of the team. We're 'Fergalicious.' Dolphins ownership are a diversified bunch. There's Jimmy Buffett, Gloria Estefan, Crockett and Tubbs, and Venus and Serena Williams, to name a few. It's an ownership group I'm fond of calling a 'universal joint.'"

Can the Dolphins make "champagne" toast of the Saints? Maybe for a quarter. But the New Orleans offense can't be stopped entirely. Brees throws for 3 scores and the Saints defense forces 3 turnovers.

New Orleans wins, 37-20.

Chicago @ Cincinnati (-3)

Will the real Cincinnati Bengals please stand up, please stand up, please stand up, or at least post something on Twitter informing us of which Bengals team will appear this Sunday?

"No can do," says Chad Ochocinco. "Too busy good-naturedly taunting Jay Cutler and other Bears via Twitter, on which I communicate so much, I'm thinking of legally changing my first name to Ch@d. I've taken trash talk to a new level, and from here on out, I want to be known as the 'Twitt-ness For the Persecution."

Cutler bowed out of the war of words with Ochocinco, but soon after, inexplicably developed a disdain for Cincinnati linebacker Keith Rivers.

"Anyone named 'Rivers' is an enemy," says Cutler, "and that includes 'Old Man,' Joan, and the lead singer of Weezer. As for my new contract extension, I think it shows that I'm happy in Chicago as I was miserable in Denver. And the Bears are pleased to have the right to a Bear arm for two more years, at least. I may have burned some bridges, but I think everyone in Denver is glad to see me prosper in Chicago, especially Kyle Orton."

Cincinnati wins, 27-25.

Arizona @ NY Giants (-7)

The Giants strutted into the Superdome as the NFL's top-ranked defense, but left with their tails between their legs and their heads not far behind. Redemption will come in the form of defeating the Cardinals, who, like the Saints, sport a high-powered passing attack.

"Sure, it was a long flight home from New Orleans," says Tom Coughlin. "One that left plenty of time for reflection. That's why I told all my guys that they need to take a look in the mirror if their looking for someone to blame for our loss."

"But this league is all about transformation. New Orleans exposed a weakness in our passing defense. We'll need to correct that. I have the all the confidence in the world that we can change. Heck, if Lawrence Taylor can go from one of the most feared defenders in the NFL to a dieting, dancing pansy, then we can surely follow his lead. I didn't even know L.T. had an eating issue. I guess inhaling food wasn't his only problem."

The Cardinals have won two straight to move in to a tie with the 49ers in the NFC West. Larry Fitzgerald tied a career high with 13 receptions, including a 2-yard touchdown pass from Kurt Warner.

"That's called our 'jump ball' play," says Warner. "When I say 'jump,' I expect Larry to say 'how high.' He hates when I do that. When he replies 'Bag it,' he quickly puts me in my place."

"We'd have much rather played the Giants after a New York win as opposed to a blowout loss. I don't like the Giants when they're angry, and they don't like Tom Coughlin when he's angry, or otherwise."

New York rebounds with a 27-24 win.

Philadelphia @ Washington (+6½)

So Jim Zorn has been stripped of his play-calling duties by general manager Vinnie Cerrato? This went down just a week after players urged Redskins owner Daniel Snyder to "endorse" Zorn as head coach.

"If you knew Dan Snyder like I do," says Cerrato, "you'd know that he's only good at endorsing one thing, and that's checks. Now, Zorn and his players will be on the same page - Zorn's given up play-calling duties; the players have just 'given up.'"

"We've got Sherman Lewis calling our plays now. Unfortunately, we still have the same players running them."

The attitude in Philadelphia is much better, although last Sunday's 13-9 loss to the Raiders wasn't exactly an "endorsement" of the Eagles legitimacy as a Super Bowl contender.

"Sometimes, Donovan McNabb's play does to others what it often does to him," says Andy Reid. "It induces vomiting. After Donovan's performance, I think Rush Limbaugh should take another crack at that Rams ownership."

"I know Michael Vick's wants badly to start. A few more performances like McNabb's latest, and Vick may get his chance. Vick's worked hard in practice and has paid his dues. Plus, he's been 'doing' time, so it's only natural that he wants 'playing' time."

Philadelphia wins, 27-12.

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

1. Tony Stewart: Stewart fell off the pace early as a faulty radio necessitated several pit stops, taking the No. 14 Office Depot Chevrolet out of contention soon after the green flag dropped. Then, after the radio issue was resolved, Stewart was struck by an electrical problem that caused his engine to lose power. The end result was Stewart's worst finish of the year and first result outside the top 30.

"Not only is '10-4' my car number," said Stewart, "it's also a useless term over a dead radio."

"It's not often I find myself reciting Queen lyrics during a race, but for a while there, all I could hear was radio ga-ga. Luckily, radio problems don't strike with great frequency."

"And speaking of radio, those lucky listeners who tuned in to the right frequency were treated to some fascinating dialogue. It was neither 'AM' nor 'FM,' but 'MF' band."

2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson, winless at Bristol, had victory at the famed Tennessee track in sight, but a botched pit stop late in Saturday's race likely cost him the win. Johnson relinquished the lead during a pit under caution on lap 423, but a loose lug nut forced a return to the pits, and Johnson fell to 21st when green flag racing resumed. He still finished eighth, and rose from third to second in the Sprint Cup point standings.

"We absolutely cannot have those kinds of errors in the pits," Johnson said. "Heck, I've had better service parked on the White House lawn."

"In this business, mistakes can cost people races, championships, jobs, even $100,000."

"Of course, our bad luck was everyone else's good luck. Had I won this race, I think it would have even more apparent that I'm the man to beat in the Chase. As Walter Brennan often said in The Guns Of Will Sonnett, 'No brag, just fact.' However, since we screwed up and lost the race, I have to curb my confidence. In other words, trade my 'high hat' for a 'Lowe's' hat."

3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was Bristol Motor Speedway's biggest mover, improving 36 positions from his qualifying start of 41st to finish fifth, his eighth top 5 of the year. Hamlin fell a lap down when he shredded a tire on lap 64, but quickly recovered, boasting one of the fastest cars on the track as Joe Gibbs teammate Kyle Busch took the victory. Hamlin moved up one spot to fourth in the points, 423 behind Tony Stewart.

"I guess my fifth is outdone by Kyle's first," Hamlin said. "Just when it looks like I'm becoming Joe Gibbs Racing's 'ace in the hole,' I'm overshadowed by JGR's 'acehole.'"

"I'll be the first to admit that congratulations are in order for Kyle. And I'll be the last to admit to actually congratulating him. But Joe Gibbs insists I need to be a good teammate. You know, they say there are no 'team orders' in NASCAR, but in this case, I beg to differ."

4. Jeff Gordon: After an awful qualifying effort, starting 33rd, Gordon and the No. 24 DuPont Chevrolet showed promise early, as they cracked the top 10 by lap 200. However, an unsuccessful adjustment left the car terribly loose, and Gordon struggled over the final half of the race. He finished 23rd, the lone Hendrick driver outside the top 10.

"It was a tough day for the top 3 in the points," Gordon said. "After a visit to the White House, Jimmie Johnson lost the race in the pits. Word is the guy who dropped the jack to soon has been impeached."

"And Tony Stewart had some radio issues. I'm not sure who couldn't hear who, but suffice it to say the No. 14 team's favorite rapper is not Mos Def."

"Of course, we can't forget Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I know the people of Junior Nation love coming to Bristol, especially when Dale cashes in a top-10 finish. I think I even heard his fans chanting 'Hooray for Valley, Dale.'"

5. Mark Martin: Martin started from the pole and led a race-high 207 laps at Bristol, but his quest for his fifth win was foiled by NASCAR bad guy Kyle Busch, who held off Martin over the closing laps, including an exciting three-lap duel to close the race. Martin firmed his Chase chances by improving two spots in the Sprint Cup point standings to tenth, 60 points ahead of Kyle Busch in 13th.

"Kyle may not be the most popular guy in NASCAR," Martin said, "nor a good human being in general, but he deserves to be raced fairly. That's why, instead of sending him into the wall, I attempted to 'pass the douche-y on the left-hand side.'"

"So, in essence, I took the 'high road' by taking the 'low road.'"

"But many may ask whether such clean racing amounts to 'Bristol blasphemy.' Not in my book. I may live more purely than Jesus himself, but Kyle is no devil, despite Brian Vickers' assertion that 'If Red Bull gives you wings, then M&M's must give you horns.'"

6. Kurt Busch: Busch, a five-time winner at Bristol, overcame some late setbacks to post a solid seventh at Thunder Valley, his 13th top-10 finish of the year. After a loose lug nut caused a serious vibration, Busch was later collected in a crash initiated by contact between Richard Childress teammates Kevin Harvick and Clint Bowyer. Quick repairs to the No. 2 Miller Lite Dodge gave Busch ample time to work his way through the field.

"We had a car good enough to win," Busch said, "but circumstances forced us to impress instead with our damage control. Luckily, we're much better at damage control than Jeremy Mayfield's public relations team, which I believe consists solely of a stepmother and a megaphone."

"Frankly, I'm stunned that Harvick would be so careless as to wreck Bowyer, RCR's only hope for making the Chase. When Richard Childress asked that his underperforming team 'come together,' I'm sure that's not what he had in mind. Of course, Harvick's helped choke Carl Edwards before; why not help Bowyer 'choke' in his attempt to make the Chase?"

7. Carl Edwards: Edwards battled handling problems throughout the night, as well as an overheating car, to salvage a 16th-place finish at Bristol. Starting 32nd in the No. 99 Aflac Ford, Edwards fell a lap down at one point, but got the "Lucky Dog" free pass with 60 laps to go before rallying. He fell one place in the point standings to fifth.

"I think the Aflac mascot would agree," Edwards said, "that Saturday night was one big 'cluster duck.'"

"But with a spot in the Chase practically secured, we can go all out for the win in these last two races, with the hopes of improving our seeding. It's simple. The No. 99 Roush Fenway Aflac team can either rise to the challenge, or 'duck' and run."

8. Kyle Busch: Busch snapped a 13-race winless streak with a much-needed win at Bristol, giving him a sweep of the season's races at Thunder Valley. Busch held off Mark Martin over the final laps of the Sharpie 500 for his fourth win of the year and vaulted two spots in the point standings to 13th, only 34 behind 12th.

"I'm always amazed at how one win can magically change the entire media's perception of me," Busch said. "I pull out the win in Bristol, and the headlines go from 'Busch Blows' to 'Busch Bows.' The media's skill at criticism is only outdone by their ability to forget."

"To be honest, I'm surprised Mark Martin didn't shove me out of the way and take the win. If the tables were turned, I would have pounced on the win with a maneuver that surely would have 'left a Mark.'"

9. Ryan Newman: Newman posted his first top-10 finish in the last five races with a sixth at Bristol, capping a busy weekend at Thunder Valley in which he raced in four events over four days. Newman improved two places in the point standings to seventh, 94 clear of Kyle Busch in 13th.

"Fortunately, we didn't have the electrical issues that plagued Tony," Newman said. "The car ran great. Not only were we dialed in, we were also plugged in."

"I know Tony's tore up about the No. 14 team's performance. In fact, he seems to be in a deep depression over the electrical mishaps that ruined his day. But he's got to snap out of it soon; the Chase begins in less than a month. Hopefully, he won't need to seek professional help, although it wouldn't be the first time someone's suggested 'shock' therapy for Tony."

10. Greg Biffle: Biffle qualified second, behind pole-sitter Mark Martin, and passed the No. 5 on the first lap to take charge early in the Sharpie 500. Biffle kept the No. 16 3M Ford out front for the first 76 laps until handling issues arose, allowing Martin to reclaim the lead. Biffle stayed close to the front until late adjustment remedied the handling issues, and he charged to his eighth top-5 finish this year. He is now eighth in the points, 75 ahead of Kyle Busch in 13th.

"With no wins and a low Chase seeding staring me in the face," Biffle said, "I find myself in the same boat with Carl Edwards---a 'woe' boat. They call me the 'Biff,' and, in our quest for wins this year, we've whiffed. And that leaves me miffed. When it comes time for Chase seedings, we'll be stiffed. That's assuming we make the Chase, which is still a big 'if.'"

*In an unfortunate and politically incorrect grouping of performers during halftime at Super Bowl 44 in Miami, disgraced R&B crooner Chris Brown and singer/songwriter Jackson Browne join English electronic/industrial group The Prodigy for a rendition of the band's controversial single "Smack My **** Up."

*The Lions set a lowly precedent for inept NFL franchises, suffering through their second-straight 0-16 season. However, the dismay is offset when the team collects yet another No. 1 draft pick, as well as a Tony award for More Misérables, a play based on Detroit's 2009 campaign.

*In a symbolic gesture aimed at exorcising the painful end to the 2008 season from fans' memories, Carolina Panther quarterback Jake Delhomme releases a dove with an olive branch into the sky from the 50-yard line of Bank America Stadium. Unfortunately, the olive branch is intercepted by a cardinal before it can reach its intended destination.

*Pittsburgh linebacker James Harrison declines an invitation to attend his oldest brother's wedding, claiming that his brother "wouldn't have invited me if I weren't his brother."

*Michael Vick, conditionally reinstated by Roger Goodell in July, is signed by the Jacksonville Jaguars in mid-August. In one of the many NFL-mandated conditions of reinstatement, Vick is ordered to further his role as a canine activist by periodically tweeting his thoughts on his PETA-sanctioned blog, "Woofer And Twitter."

In week 6 against the Rams, Vicks sees his first action, when, in response to a rash of injuries to Jacksonville's safeties, he is inserted at the rover position. Vick records an interception and six tackles in four games, but is cut on November 11th after he is spotted feeding Alka Seltzer to sea gulls on Jacksonville's Intracoastal Waterway.

*Eager to cash in on the success of "The T.O. Show," which revealed a side of Terrell Owens few knew existed, VH1, in association with a disgruntled Bills coaching staff, debuts Owens' new reality show, "T.O. Go."

*Kim Kardashian, fresh off her breakup from Reggie Bush, is photographed in a Nashville night club getting cozy with Titans running back duo Chris Johnson and LenDale White. Later, when Johnson and White are seen leaving Kardashian's hotel room the next morning, gossip web site TMZ breaks the story with a headline reading "Smash And Dash And Kardash(ian)."

*Embattled former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is sentenced for weapons charges stemming from an incident in which he accidentally shot himself in the thigh in a Manhattan nightclub in November. A compassionate judge orders Burress to serve 18 months in a maximum security prison in upstate New York, with a reduction in the sentence possible for good behavior.

There, after two months of exemplary behavior, Burress inexplicably resorts to his old ways and embraces the hardcore prison lifestyle. After inking himself with a homemade tattoo that reads 'Lifer,' Burress fashions a shank from a kicking tee. Then, in response to an unannounced bed check, Burress hastily conceals the weapon in his pants, nearly severing his manhood in the process.

Luckily for Burress, teammate Antonio Pierce is again there to pick up the pieces.

*Denver running back Knowshon Moreno is an early breakout rookie in the 2009 season, rushing for 311 yards and three touchdowns, with a punt return score, as well, in the Broncos first four games. Moreno is also a star in the marketing arena, and one of the most popular ads in the Denver area spoofs the drug problems and affinity for frequent, unprotected sex of former Broncos Travis Henry. Several billboards picture Moreno enjoying a Coca-Cola in a Henry jersey, surrounded by eleven children. The "Coke And A Smile" ads boost sales of the popular cola by 33%, while teen pregnancy decreases by that same percentage.

Moreno goes on to win the AFC Offensive Rookie Of The Year Award.

*At the Packers August 22nd preseason home game versus the Bills, Brett Favre's tearful farewell speech is interrupted by Vikings coach Brad Childress, there to announce that he's named a starter for the Vikes regular season opener against the Browns.

As Favre wipes his eyes, Childress gives the nod to Sage Rosenfels, and Childress acknowledges that a decision would have been made sooner if not for "special circumstances," none of which he details.

*In Washington, prized Redskins newcomer Albert Haynesworth displays early domination, and the 'Skins rush defense leads the NFL early in the year. Haynesworth's ability to hold his position, even in the face of double- and triple-teams, earns him the nickname "The Washington Monument."

Haynesworth is photographed at the base of the D.C. landmark for the October 25th issue of Sports Illustrated, one week after 'hitting for the cycle' against Matt Cassel and the Kansas City Chiefs. In a 23-13 Redskins win, Haynesworth records a sack, secures a Cassel fumble, picks off a Cassel pass, and accidentally steps on the helmet of the K.C. quarterback.

*Tom Brady returns to form, dumping pregnant wife Giselle Bundchen, just months before she is to give birth to the couple's first child, for actress Florence Henderson.

*In October, video filmed through the hotel door peephole of Tony Siragusa surfaces on the internet, showing the portly former defensive lineman primping naked in front of a mirror. Siragusa and his attorneys rush to have the video removed, and succeed, but not before the former Raven is saddled with the nickname "Goose Pimple."

Later, Siragusa markets the video with a collection of some of his zaniest and most rambling sideline reports in a DVD package called "Goose Gone Wild."

Sales reach 17, well behind the 1,245,000 discs sold of fellow reporter Erin Andrews' boxed set.

*The NFL's most surprising team is the Kansas City Chiefs, who, after a dismal 0-5 start, reel off seven wins in their last eleven games to finish second in the AFC West. New head coach Todd Haley credits his predecessor, Herman Edwards, with instilling a 'play to win the game' attitude in the team, while crediting himself for supplying the missing ingredient---"coaching to win the game."

*In October, Jessica Simpson appears on the Barbara Walter's Special, and the celebrity interview queen immediately presses Simpson about her breakup with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Simpson confides that she is not bitter, and states that "I shouldn't have reasonably expected Tony to put a ring on my finger when he can't even put one on his own finger."

*San Diego's Shawne Merriman, who missed all but one game last year because of a knee injury, roars out of the gate, eager to prove his health and quell conceptions of performance-enhancing drug use. Merriman records four sacks in the Chargers first two games, including three takedowns of Joe Flacco in a 16-10 win over Baltimore in week 2. The beastly linebacker cites a grueling offseason conditioning program, and an even more intense attitude, fueled by Pop Rocks and cola, for his quick start.

Merriman records 19 sacks on the year, and is named AFC Defensive Player Of The Year, which he celebrates by sending Jason Taylor a signed copy of his latest drug test.

*St. Louis rookie linebacker James Laurinaitis, son of legendary professional wrestler Road Warrior Animal, is put through the rookie initiation wringer at Rams training camp in Earth City, Missouri. Laurinaitis good-naturedly accepts the mild humiliations initially, such as being forced to "clothesline" the sweaty undergarments of the Rams veteran linebackers.

But when the vets handcuff him to a whirlpool and make off with his belt, Laurinaitis snaps. As Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" is mysteriously queued over the public address system, Laurinaitis breaks free and systematically overwhelms and pins his tormentors, as referee Ed Hochuli offers a quick three count.

*Early reports from training camp on the Buccaneers quarterback battle, featuring Luke McCown, Byron Leftwich, Josh Johnson, and rookie Josh Freeman, note that the race has the competitive feel of an open tryout, and the talent to match. Freeman impresses with his strength as well as a lightning-quick release. Freeman's seven step drop and release is timed at 2.1 seconds, well ahead of the 2.1 minute time of the veteran Leftwich's.

McCown eventually wins the starting job, but is pulled in favor of Freeman in week 6, and Freeman completes the year as starter.

*Excitement abounds in Seattle, mostly created by the free agent signing of T.J. Houshmandzedah, the biggest thing to hit the Pacific Northwest since Twilight. In Seattle's week 1 game against the Rams, Houshmandzedah runs afoul of the NFL's draconian touchdown celebration rules, as well as teeny-boppers jaded by romanticized vampire novels, when he howls like a werewolf celebrating his first touchdown as a Seahawk.

Houshmandzedah loses nearly all of his 12-to-16-year-old female fan base, but gains a Coors Lite "Silver Bullet" spokesman gig, as well as an audition for the next installment in the Teen Wolf movie franchise.

*Oakland rookie wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey, thrust into the starting lineup at the behest of owner Al Davis, scores on a 99-yard, fourth quarter flea-flicker from JaMarcus Russell to give the Raiders a thrilling 27-26 win over AFC West rival Denver. As the defeated Broncos file dejectedly off the field at Oakland Coliseum, they are serenaded by a Black Hole chorus of 'Sha Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey-Hey-ward, Good Bey!"

*Arizona rookie running back Chris "Beanie" Wells, the Cardinals first-round pick, suffers through an injury-plagued season, as minor ankle and toe injuries keep him sidelined. With nine yards on four carriers for the year, Wells' earns a new nickname, "H.G.," as his meager statistics render him an "Invisible Man."

*Colts safety Bob Sanders plays in 12 games for the Colts, thereby winning a preseason wager with Peyton Manning, who bet that his own commercial appearances would be greater than Sanders' games played.

Terrell Owens' new reality show premiered on Monday, chronicling the new beginning of Owens as a Buffalo Bill, his fourth team in his 14-year career. Overnight ratings were strong, and the media buzz about the show has been intense, indicating what is sure to be a long run. Should there be enough interest for a season two, it's likely the show will air on another network, however.

Often criticized for his diva-like behavior, Owens balked at the show's original title, "The Miss-Adventures Of Terrell Owens," and instead campaigned for the show's title to mirror those of nearly all of VH1's vast stable of reality shows, and have "love" in the title. Owens proposed "I Love Me," "For the Love of Me," and "Me Love Me Long Time" before he and producers agreed on the generic title.

In the show's initial episode, Owens learns of his release from the Cowboys. Then we meet his two publicists, Monique and Kita, who are masterful at disguising their desire to extend their 15 minutes of fame as genuine concern for T.O.'s well-being. Ironically, it's Monique and Kita who do all the ****ing and complaining, while T.O. liberally applies the comic relief.

Soon, they convince T.O. to move to Los Angeles, where they insist he work on his "focus" and "game plan." The three, along with T.O.'s bodyguard/couch magnet, Pablo, head to L.A.

There, Owens finds a new home, drops over $100,000 on a pair of earrings, samples the nightlife, soaks up the adoration of fans, and goes long with his realtor. Also, Owens reaches out to his incredibly gorgeous ex-fiancee Felicia, who broke off the engagement when Owens cheated on her, which is even more validation that personally, as well as professionally, Owens knows how to ruin a good thing.

Below are the potential storylines for upcoming episodes of "The T.O. Show."

Episode 2: "Revenge is a Dish Best Served in a Bowl" - Soon after settling in to his posh Los Angeles home, Owens answers a knock at his door. There, an NFL representative presents him with balloons and congratulations for being voted to the NFL's pre-season "Pre-Bowl" team.

Skeptical, Owens asks to see some documentation, and the representative obliges with an official affidavit verifying that Owens was the leading vote-getter among wide receivers.

Owens' excitement quickly deteriorates into disappointment when, upon closer inspection, he realizes the official affidavit features the letterhead of the fictional accounting firm of Garcia, McNabb, and Romo.

Episode 3: "The O.C." - While on the West Coast, Owens, a big fan of The O.C., requests a visit to the set of the hit teen drama. His publicists arrange a trip, but upon arrival, Owens and his entourage are met with a deserted set, and are told that the show was cancelled in 2007.

Enraged, Owens explodes, unleashing a stream of profanities, reminding many, including some of his former offensive coordinators, that this is not the first time Owens has yelled at "the O.C."

Episode 4: "Fool For the City?" - Owens is presented a key to the city of Buffalo by Mayor Byron Brown. Secretly, Owens wonders exactly which doors in the city the key will actually unlock, while Bills head coach Dick Jauron wonders if the key will open a Pandora's Box.

Episode 5: "Book 'Em, T.O." - Owens visits a local Buffalo elementary school to read his children's book, "Little T Learns to Share." After thumbing through the pages, Owens flips out, complaining that his name doesn't appear enough times in the book.

Minutes later, in what is sure not to be the only case of bad timing between the two this year, Bills quarterback Trent Edwards texts Owens with an invitation to get together and discuss the playbook.

Episode 6: "Gone, Clubbin'" - Owens experiences the harsh realities of the limited Buffalo nightlife when his much-publicized appearance as guest DJ at a trendy nightclub is met with token interest. Owens, manning the turntables as "DJ Wintry Mix," plays to a sparse crowd of 45 at former Bills great Thurman Thomas' discotheque, "Check Your Hat."

Episode 7: "Punk'd" - In an elaborately staged hoax, Owens is lured to Hollywood, California, where he is fooled into believing he's receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. During the dedication ceremony, Owens stands on his star, then, as the prank reaches fruition, Owens is leveled by former Dallas Cowboy safety Roy Williams.

As Owens dusts himself off, he is helped to his feet by joker extraordinaire Ashton Kutcher, as Kutcher reveals that Owens has just become the first reality star to be "Punk'd" on the reality star's own show.

Episode 8: "I Put a Spell on You" - In a publicity stunt gone awry, Owens meets 2009 Scripps Spelling Bee national champion Kavya Shivashankar for a fund-raising spelling contest. In the fourth round, Owens wins in controversial fashion, and despite Shivashankar's heated objections, the obviously biased panel of judges rule in Owens' favor, concluding that indeed there is an "I" in "team."

Shivashankar storms from the competition, but not before warning the fans in Buffalo that, by using the same type of flawed spelling seen in the competition, there is a "T" and an "O" in "disaster."

Episode 9: "Exercise in Futility" - With camera crews documenting the occasion, Owens is fitted for an Armani suit at a ritzy downtown Buffalo haberdashery. After taking measurements, a tailor informs Owens that his waist size is 34 inches. Owens vehemently objects, contending that his waist has been 33 inches for the last 10 years.

An argument ensues, and, as tempers flare, the store manager asks that Owens leave peacefully. Owens refuses, instead deciding to hit the floor for 500 sit-ups. Then he asks for a new measurement.

* Terrell Owens immediately endears himself to the Buffalo faithful when, after grabbing a 65-yard touchdown bomb from Trent Edwards in the Bills' home opener against the Buccaneers, he pulls a chicken wing from his sock and takes a bite, then leaves a greasy handprint on the jersey of Tampa cornerback Ronde Barber.

As a chicken wing is considered a "prop" in the NFL's touchdown celebration rules, Owens is fined for the act.

* The Dallas Cowboys host an open house, allowing commoners a chance to tour their new $1.1 billion home in Arlington. Owner Jerry Jones personally guides a tour of the stadium's 300 luxury suites, promising that there is something for everyone, from the most extravagant models, named after Cowboy greats like Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman, to the more basic layouts, such as the "Nate Newton" suite, a 4' by 4' room constructed from Venetian cinder blocks, modestly accessorized with a bunk bed, a sink, a toilet, and a chin-up bar.

Jones also reveals the team's most private model, the "Tony Romo Honeymoon Suite," the master bedroom of which features a king-size bed, as well as a single bed, suitable for an interloping tight end, or a meddling father-in-law.

* Newly-signed Raider quarterback Jeff Garcia engages in a heated, tension-filled battle for the starting position with incumbent JaMarcus Russell. The situation reaches a boiling point when the feisty Garcia confronts Russell and gets all up in his face, until Russell rises to his feet, gives Garcia a wedgie, and stuffs him into an empty locker.

* Brett Favre comes out of retirement to fight Larry Holmes at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Favre separates his right shoulder in the third round, but gamely continues, until a TKO stoppage in the 11th hastens his retirement from the ring. Favre ends his brief retirement when he joins the Birmingham Barons, the Chicago White Sox Class AA affiliate. Favre bats .145 and throws 13 interceptions, and announces his retirement three games into the season. After a short hiatus, Favre makes a final comeback, laying down some guest lyrics on Jay-Z's third "comeback" album.

In late July, the Vikings make a last-ditch effort to sign Favre, offering him a $7 million, one-year contract, and full creative control of a weekly television show, tentatively titled the "Vike-O-Den." Favre opts to remain retired, however, citing his need to spend time with his family, as well as contemplate a 2011 return.

* British comedian and trickster Sasha Baron Cohen, posing as a 32-year-old former division III college quarterback named Timmy Nevada, infiltrates the Cleveland Browns training camp, easily winning the starting position over Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson.

Nevada leads the Browns to wins in their first two games, throwing 4 touchdown passes and only 1 interception. Then, Baron Cohen decides to reveal the ruse, but not before a naked wrestling match with Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers erupts in the banquet room of the teams' hotel prior to Week 3's contest against the Ravens.

* Larry Fitzgerald leads the NFL in receptions, 109, receiving touchdowns, 13, and encouraging hugs to discontented teammate Anquan Boldin, 23, further solidifying Fitzgerald's status as the league's preeminent receiver and consummate teammate.

* In an August 30th preseason game in Denver, former Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler roams the Bear sideline sporting a white headband bearing the word "McDaniels" in black lettering. Cutler is mercilessly heckled by the Denver crowd, and in an embarrassing twist, he turns and gives the middle finger to a particularly raucous Broncos fan nearby, who turns out to be former Denver quarterback Jake Plummer.

Cutler's comeuppance, however, is not complete until he is spoofed on the September 14th episode of "South Park," in which Cutler's character is killed in a grisly accident while mooning a helicopter piloted by Kenny.

* The Detroit Lions new, fiercer-looking logo heralds a new era for the franchise, and opposing teams take notice, with many commenting that they were "slighty more afraid" while beating the Lions. The logo is also selected to grace the cover of Cat Fancy magazine's 2009 NFL preview issue.

* In a late August appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," Tom Brady professes his unconditional love for Gisele Bundchen, gushing to Oprah that "he heard fireworks" during their second round of nuptials in Costa Rica in April. Winfrey gently breaks the news to Brady that those sounds were not "fireworks," but the echoes of gunshots from Brady's trigger-happy security detail opening fire on unarmed paparazzi.

* Sales of Cincinnati wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco's No. 85 jersey remain at a virtual standstill, with most fans disgruntled with Ocho Cinco's diva-like behavior over the last two years. One enterprising pro shop employee stumbles onto a gold mine when he alters a jersey, removing the nameplate of "Ocho Cinco" and replacing it was a more appropriate, Spanish-flavored alternative. The Bengals No. 85 "Has Bien" jersey becomes a best seller in Cincinnati. Johnson graciously is a good sport about it, but only after his attorneys negotiate a cut of the jersey sales.

* Minnesota defensive end Jared Allen's season comes to an abrupt end when, while on an elk-hunting trip at Alaska's Kodiak Islands during the Vikings' Week 9 bye week, he is mistaken for an ape and shot from a helicopter by Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Left for dead, Allen is rescued by a herd of manly bull elks, nursed back to health, and returned to civilization, with a new respect for an animal he once mercilessly killed, as well as an appreciation for the four-point stance, and being "mounted."

* Matthew Stafford, the first selection in the 2009 NFL draft, gets the start in the Lions' first preseason game against the Falcons on August 15th, facing Matt Ryan, last year's third pick. Stafford begins his first NFL preseason game just as Ryan began his first regular-season game last year by throwing a touchdown pass ... to a Falcon. Stafford's first pass is intercepted and returned 35 yards for a touchdown by Atlanta cornerback Chris Houston.

* New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the fifth pick in the draft, becomes an instant fan-favorite in the New York-New Jersey area, and a local Big Apple eatery honors the former USC star with a dish in his name, a fish taco smothered in mustard and Worcestershire sauce known as the "Dirty Sanchez."

Later in the year, Sanchez declines an offer to appear on the cover of men's alternative fashion magazine QGQ wearing only a No. 12 Joe Namath jersey and fishnet stockings.

* Michael Vick meets with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in early November to discuss reinstatement. The meeting goes well until Vick, in his excitement at a possible return to the league, furiously humps the leg of the Commisioner, then urinates on the floor of Goodell's office.

* Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson is a consensus first pick in most fantasy football drafts, and doesn't disappoint, breaking the 1,000-yard mark in the Vikes first seven games. However, Peterson is again plagued by fumbling issues, which, much to the chagrin of fantasy owners, cuts into his goal line touches.

Nevertheless, Peterson's endorsement worth skyrockets, and he becomes the face of several big-time products, most notably Butterfinger candy bars.

* On September 1st, just in time for the NFL season, resident New York Times writer/stalker/fictionalist/man-hater Selena Roberts announces the release of her controversial new book, titled "Peyton Manning: Satan's Signal Caller." In the book, Roberts paints a damning picture of Manning as the supreme leader of a worldwide cult of immoral beings and hedonistic decadents.

Manning good-naturedly laughs off the book, citing Roberts' penchant for sensationalistic journalism practices, while Raiders owner Al Davis angrily files an injunction to the book's release, accusing Roberts of outright plagiarism of his own autobiography.

* After the Browns suffer a humiliating 31-10 loss to the Chargers in Cleveland on December 6th, Jamal Lewis vents his frustration at the gall of some of his teammates texting on their cell phones in the locker room afterwards, calling them a "bunch of Twitters" on his personal blog.

* As the Patriots prepare in London for their October 25th game versus Tampa Bay at Wembley Stadium, many of the players use their down time for sightseeing. Unwise to British traditions, Randy Moss makes a particularly large splash across the pond when, during a visit to Buckingham Palace, he high fives Queen Victoria instead of properly bowing. Moss then tells the Queen he loved her in The Naked Gun. Then, upon learning that the Queen is married to a prince, Prince Philip, and not a king, Moss presents her with a 40 of King Kobra malt liquor.

Suitably impressed with his exploits, Moss declares himself heir to the throne, excuses himself to the Palace's parlor restroom, and emerges minutes later to announce that he "just abdicated. But don't worry, I royally flushed."

Moss is skewered in the British press, but is quickly forgiven at Wembley when he bows to the crowd after the first of his two touchdown catches. New England whips the Buccaneers 41-10, and the headline in the following day's edition of The Sun read "English Snuffin.'"

* In a December 13th game at New England, disgruntled Carolina Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers, who expressed his desire to play for the Patriots before being franchised by Carolina, returns a Tom Brady fumble 66 yards, the wrong way, for a Patriots safety. Peppers celebrates with former Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jim Marshall, who, coincidentally and conveniently, watches from the Patriots end zone. Peppers then confronts head coach John Fox and proclaims, "Now do you believe I wanted to play for the Patriots?"

Fox immediately disenfranchises Peppers, stripping him of his Panther status. Peppers is later picked up on waivers by the Harlem Globetrotters.

* Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard finds a new favorite target in veteran wide receiver Torry Holt, the Jags' biggest offseason free agent acquisition. Garrard immediately clicks with Holt, and after Holt catches 10 passes for 140 yards and 2 touchdowns in a Week 2 win over the Cardinals, Garrard expresses his joy at being able to throw to an ex-Ram as opposed to an ex-con.

* Former Buccaneers coach John Gruden makes a seamless transition from coaching to the "Monday Night Football" team, joining Mike Tirico and Ron Jaworski in the booth after Tony Kornheiser's departure. Gruden's knowledge of the game and quick-wittedness adds a sharp-tongued presence to the team, and ratings soar after Gruden promises, prior to Week 1's Buffalo/New England contest, to put the "MF" in MNF.

* Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, Washington's $100 million free agent prize, continues his dominance as the league's finest interior lineman. Haynesworth's No. 92 jersey quickly becomes a hot seller in D.C., matching the popularity of the No. 8 Capitals jersey of NHL superstar Alex Ovechkin.

In October, Haynesworth and Ovechkin are invited to the White House for an honorary dropping of the puck to celebrate the Capitals season opener. Haynesworth gladly obliges, but Ovechkin, after learning of Haynesworth's more infamous NFL exploits, declines to attend, telling the White House that "there's no way I'm participating in a 'face-off' with Haynesworth."

* Referee Ed Hochuli, his once-sterling reputation sullied by last year's blown Jay Cutler fumble call, promises that he will not make any mistakes in the upcoming season. However, Hochuli can't make the same promise in regards to his line judge, Tim Conway, nor his back judge, Don Knotts, nor his head linesman, Jerry Lewis.

* On Conference Championship Sunday, the visiting Patriots take down the defending Super Bowl champion Steelers, 23-20, behind 98 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns from Fred Taylor.

In the NFC, the home-standing Eagles defeat the Falcons in the title game, 30-24.

In Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, Donovan McNabb engineers a late game-winning drive with seven completions and two first-down rushes, leading the Eagles to a 28-24 win over New England. McNabb makes history, becoming the first and only black quarterback to hoist the Lombardi Trophy, then vomit on it.

* Pacman Jones, displaying the entrepreneurial spirit of a disgraced former NFL star hard up for cash, opens the nation's first adult entertainment venue/shooting range. "Money Shots" opens to much fanfare in Jones' hometown of Atlanta, but ultimately fails due to financial, safety, security, health, sanitation, child care, and homeland security concerns.

Broke, Jones' accepts a role on NBC's critically-acclaimed cop drama "Southland," playing a former superstar athlete turned streetwise hustler with an itchy trigger finger, a role Entertainment Weekly hails as one "Pacman was born to play."

* Already with one connection to the Saints (Kim Kardashian dates New Orleans running back Reggie Bush), the Kardashian clan adds another when Khloe, Kim's younger and more robust sister, signs with the Saints as an offensive lineman. Thus, the Amazonian Khloe becomes the second Kardashian charged with opening holes for Reggie Bush.