(CHARLOTTE, NC)  Ferrari stunned the racing world today by carrying out its threat to leave Formula One over the "Budget Cap Flap."  Luca di Montezemolo, Ferrari President, announced that the legendary organization would start competing in Nascar races beginning with the next Daytona race slated for July.  

"We are tired of Max Mosley and Bernie Ecclestone's excessive meddling in Formula One racing.  We want to spend our money, be successful, and target the American audience," remarked di Montezemolo.  "All Ecclestone is trying to do is recover the money he lost in his divorce when his wife took him to the cleaners.  And Mosley needs more cash to pay for his hired girls."


Brian France gushed "We are so excited for Ferrari to join Nascar racing.  I'm positive our fans will embrace Felipe Massa and Kimi Raikkonen just like they have Max Papis and Juan Pablo Montoya.  Especially once they learn to pronounce their names.  And learn Kimi is a guy's name.  Oh, and learn to speak Italian since they will still be talking to their teams in Italian on the radio."

Di Montezemolo announced that as part of the deal, Kasey Kahne's car would be painted a different color.  "Ferraris can be the only red car on the track, as is our tradition."

Richard Petty, present for RPM,  commented, "We agreed.   Who could turn down the $30 million they offered? Kasey will be driving a Petty Blue car with the Bud logo."

The Ferrari team appeared shocked at how cheap it was to race in the Nascar league. "I can't believe that our budget can be less than the Formula One Budget cap and we can still be competitive," said di Montezemolo.  "We figure over half of our engineering group can be let go with no loss in competitiveness.  But of course we won't do that until we're winning at least 75% of the races.  Which should be by March 2010."

Other Formula One teams were shocked at the change of events.  "What do you mean Ferrari won't compete," said Lewis Hamilton.  "This won't be a World Championship if they aren't involved.  Any chance Braun will go too?"

Nascar teams were stunned at the addition of Ferrari to the field.  "How is that going to work?" said Kyle Busch.  

"Won't they have to qualify for all the races?" remarked Tony Stewart.

Ferrari had anticipated the qualifications problem, and as part of the deal to join Nascar, requested an exemption from qualifying.  France explained, "Ferrari will be given an automatic  starting position in all races until the start of next year.  In essence we will have 37 cars set in the field each week - the Top 35 plus 2 Ferrari cars."

Neither Massa or Raikkonen appeared at the news conference, but di Montezemolo stated that at both were excited at the prospect of touring the Nascar locales such as Talladega, Dover, Fontana and Las Vegas.  "Monte Carlo, Barcelona and Bahrain get boring when you go every year.  This will add excitement to the rigors of traveling." 

(CHARLOTTE, NC)  Jamie McMurray surprised Nascar insiders today by going  to extreme measures to stay at Roush Fenway Racing.  McMurray announced that he had been adopted by Tom and Gaye Busch and was now to be known as Jamie McMurray-Busch, the third Busch brother.
"I've always wanted two brothers, and you really couldn't pick any better ones than Kurt and Kyle," said McMurray at his press conference.  "Nascar is a family sport.  I'm just expanding the family a little."

"I'm thrilled to have three such accomplished sons," said Gaye Busch.  "Jamie has been like one of the family for a long time now.  Why, he even gave me my Mother's Day gift early - a new Roush Mustang.  Kurt never got me one when he was at Roush!"

"Are you F@$#&n' kidding me?" remarked Kurt Busch when he was told the news.  "One little brother is f*$#@$n' enough!"

"Well, if Kurt is Buschie, and I'm Shrub, does that mean that Jamie is Bonsai?" Kyle smirked.  "Or will he keep "cupcake"?"

"I guess desperate times call for desperate measures," remarked a Roush Fenway employee, who refused to be named.   "Jamie's souvenir sales are down.  He hopes to spark either a Busch backlash or to hop on the Kyle Fan-Bandwagon.  Kyle's numbers have been going up every week, especially when he and Dale Jr. tussle."

"He's really worried that Jack will cut him," said a Kenseth crew member.  "He's the odd man out.  Matt's the Champ.  Biffle's gotten two championships for Jack; Carl's a sponsorship dream and contender.  That leaves David or Jamie. David's been running better for the past year."

McMurray, though, denied he was motivated by the upcoming Roush Fenway team cut.  "I'm not worried about Jack cutting me.  I'm a valuable part of the team.  And now, I'm part of the Busch dynasty.  I got this job because of Kurt's abrupt departure from Roush.  Kyle started in Nascar driving for Jack's truck team.  Jack loves having a Busch on the payroll."

When reached for comment, Jack Roush was blunt, as usual.  "Did the adoption give him an attitude too?" snarked Roush.  "If it did, he'll be driving for Yates by the end of the week."

(WASHINGTON DC) - Department of Justice officials confirmed that they had spoken to Kyle Busch and his team about terrorism concerns.
"Every time Kyle wins, the terrorism networks go wild.  They love him." said a person close to the situation.  
The official denied that Justice had ordered Busch to quit winning.  "Absolutely not.  We wouldn't suggest  that.  Well, unless national security were at stake.  There would be other alternatives we would explore."
"The Department of Justice is concerned because Kyle is becoming a hero to terrorists.  The Taliban and the Al-Queda see him as the antithesis of American heros like Dale Jr," explained JD Gibbs, who attended the meeting.  
When asked if the terrorists posed a threat to Busch's safety, the official explained, "The bigger danger is to those drivers who have scuffles with him on track.  The chatter about Dale Jr was sky high after the Texas race, and they view Carl Edwards as a potential usurper of Kyle's too.  There have been a couple near-riots in prisons were these guys are held when Busch crashes out of the race, but nothing too serious.  Yet." 
"I don't think Kyle will tone down anything," asserted Gibbs.  "These are bad guys, but deep down, they're just regular Nascar fans.  Look, Justice also said that the terrorist networks spiked when Jeff Gordon's wife's new hairdo was shown too.  Apparently they liked it long.   It really doesn't mean anything."
"We'll keep tabs on things.  We just thought it was important for Busch to realize what was going on when he did well.  It could be detrimental to national security if he's not careful with what he says and does."  said the official.  

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -  DeLana Harvick ignited a sponsorship war by doing what she does every Nascar Sprint Cup Race: wear a replica of her husband's firesuit.

"We saw DeLana wearing the firesuit, and it started a conversation that ultimately led to Chandra's new contract with Cover Girl," said Cherie Silver, Cover Girl's public relations vice president during the contract's unveiling.  "We wanted our logo out there in the photographs of pit lane and in victory lane.  Chandi will be wearing a T-Shirt emblazened with the Cover Girl logo at every race."  According to Hendrick Motorsports officials, Chandra will be featured in magazine ads, TV ads during the race, and at special events around the track.

"Jimmie and Chandi are excited to be involved with Cover Girl, and believe that Nascar's increasing female fan base will really support Cover Girl's entry into the sport," said Silver.  Silver noted that Johnson's car would only have a Cover Girl logo at three select races during the year.  "In general, it is all about Chandi, not the car."

Not to be outdone, Jeff Gordon''s  wife, Ingrid van de Bosch, was rumored the "Victoria's Secret Nascar Spokes Model."  

"Ingrid will be wearing the newest bras and underwear at the track.  Victoria's Secret will have a merchandise trailer for all those Nascar fans.  We think that this will be a way men who attend the races can find something for their wives and girlfriends at the track that they wouldn't see otherwise," remarked an anonymous HMS insider.

The insider could not explain how Ingrid could model the fashions without violating Nascar's garage clothing policy, which require pants,  sleeves, and toed shoes.  "I've heard rumors about sheer long sleeved T-shirts, that's all I can say," said the insider.

"I can't wait to see Ingrid," exclaimed Dale Earnhardt Jr, who declined to confirm the Victoria's Secret contract. "And Chandi too.  I think it will be a great combination."

Roush-Fenway Racing scrambled to catch up on the wives' sponsorship bandwagon, with rumors of a Katie Kenseth maternity line floating through the garage.  "We can't confirm the pregnancy, let alone the sponsorship," said Jack Roush.  "Obviously, we'd be delighted if Graco or Gerber wanted to join Roush Fenway Racing."

Greg Biffle noted that his wife, Nicole, would be sticking to her non-profit roots.  "Nicole is passionate about animal shelters and we will continue to focus on that, not money making oppportunities."

When asked if the WAG (Wives and Girlfriends) sponsorships meant that potential dates needed to bring a list of sponsorships to the table, Tony Stewart rolled his eyes and stormed off.  Dale Jr was more outspoken. "I think I have enough sponsorships right now.  It's not anything I'd worry about.  Although it would be nice," he added.

Two WAG sponsorships are still on the table:  Kotex and Always.  "So far, no one wants our sponsorship dollars.  It's silly - all women need feminine hygiene products.  We'd love to be involved in Nascar." said a Kotex representative. 

"None of the wives or girlfriends we approached were interested, but we're hopeful that someone will want to support our product." said an Always marketing representative, speaking anonymously.  "It's not like we want our logo on the car or anything."

Meanwhile, DeLana Harvick is baffled about the sponsorship furor her firesuit has set off. "I just wear it because I'm a teammember, and I was tired of ruining my clothes every week.  It wasn't for advertising." 

That said, Harvick noted that next weekend she might break down and advertise: for her favorite college basketball team, the North Carolina Tarheels.

 

Dustin Long, a nascar beat writer for Southern newspapers, poses an interesting question this week.  Long points out that for the past four years, on average, seven of the top ten finishers at California advance to the Chase.

So, of this year's top 10, which seven advance?  And who doesn't?

1.  Matt Kenseth

2.  Jeff Gordon

3.  Kyle Busch

4.  Greg Biffle

5.  Kurt Busch

6.  Denny Hamlin

7.  Carl Edwards

8.  Tony Stewart

9.  Jimmie Johnson

10. Brian Vickers