Mr. Mark Murphy, President
Green Bay Packers Football Club
1265 Lombardi Avenue
Green Bay, WI 54304

July 31, 2008

Dear Mr. Murphy,

It has come to my attention that the Packers recently offered Brett Favre $20 million over the next ten years to stay retired and that Mr. Favre is reluctant to accept that offer.

If that is indeed the case, please consider the following alternative scenario: I am willing to accept a much smaller inducement, say, $10 million over the next ten years, to not play for the Packers instead.

Although it is true I have never played as much as a single down in the NFL for the Green Bay Packers or any other team; in fact I never even played high school football, being skinny as a rail and chicken to boot, but if you are willing to pay someone not to play, I have every confidence I could be just as successful as Mr. Favre at not playing, and save the Packers organization $10 million at the same time.

Clearly, my proposal would be a win/win for everyone. With the $10 million the organization will save by paying me rather than Brett Favre to stay retired, you could perhaps interest someone else in not playing football as well - say, Rocket Ismael, to name one possibility.

Far be it from me, though, to tell you what to do with the $10 million you will be saving. Ovbviously, that is the Green Bay Packers' money and thus yours to do with as you will. Just to be clear, however, allow me to spell out what your $10 million will be getting you. For $10 million:

1) I promise not to show up at Packers training camp and cause a distraction to the team.

2) I promise not to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

3) I promise not to loom over Aaron Rodgers like the sure-fire Hall of Famer I am not, putting unnecessary pressure on the kid.

4) I promise not to speak negatively about the Green Bay Packers organization - ever! - and in fact will decorate my entire property with Green Bay paraphernalia, even though I'm a New England Patriots fan.

5) I promise not to hold a tearful "Still Retired" press conference.

6) I promise....well....I can't really think of anything else to promise, but for $10 million, you can tell me what else you want me to promise and I promise I'll promise whatever you want.

Mr. Murphy, I realize my offer is a little unusual, but your organization has shown a willingness to think outside the box with the offer to Brett Favre, so if you give it a little thought, I am confident you will agree this is the way to go.

I think it only fair to warn you, however, that it is imperative you not wait too long to come to a decision - I have several irons in the fire, and could easily be persuaded to stay retired by another NFL team. Thank you for your willingness to listen, and Go Pack!

Sincerely,
HalfBaked

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

It's a shame that a partnership that has been as beneficial to both parties as the Boston Red Sox and Manny Ramirez has to end like this, with public bickering and contentious finger-pointing in the middle of a playoff race!

But the relationship between Ramirez and the Bosox has been a symbiotic one from the very beginning. The Red Sox have won two world championships in the last four years - after going zero for the previous eighty-six - with Manny Ramirez patrolling left field at Fenway Park, while Ramirez has become wealthier than he probably ever dreamed possible while growing up in the shadow of Yankee Stadium.

The facts are the facts, though, and the two warring factions have progressed well beyond the point of no return. So if you accept the premise that there is no scenario under which Manny would be playing left field at Fenway Park next year, the question becomes, would the Red Sox benefit more from trading Ramirez now or cutting ties with the mercurial slugger at the end of the season.

Conventional wisdom says the Red Sox cannot afford to trade Manny now, since they can't win without him. I believe exactly the opposite - it is imperative they move him now. Manny Ramirez has always marched to the beat of his own drum, and assuming the player who, even under the best of circumstances, is likely to take an at-bat or an entire game off will give his all to help a team he has come to despise would be a massive error in judgement.

Assuming he will give 100% because he will be playing for a contract, I believe, is an erroneous assumption. This is a man who has hit over 500 home runs in his illustrious career and who has been one of the most feared run-producers in the modern game. He knows - he doesn't suspect, he knows - that someone will give him big money over the winter, whether he runs out a ground ball or not; whether he plays a routine fly ball into a triple or not.

For a rapidly sinking team in the middle of a playoff chase, the promise of a left fielder potentially loafing his way through the final two months is an unacceptable risk. If Fox's Ken Rosenthal is accurate in his published report that the Red Sox, Marlins and Pirates are in talks that would send Ramirez to Florida in exchange for three players who would then be shipped to Pittsburgh in return for outfielder Jason Bay, they should bite the bullet and do it. Now.

Bay is a 29 year old who has averaged 31 home runs and 102 RBI per 162 games played, well below Ramirez's averages of 40 HR and 135 RBI per 162 games played, but still, his numbers would be enough to keep some pop in left field for the Red Sox, especially when you consider the fact that they will get nothing if they cut ties with Manny at the end of the season.

The Red Sox are a team trying to win now. The situation as it stands in Boston is ugly and, regardless of what people may think, is not going to get any better until it is resolved. Manny has brought the Sox two World Series titles and plenty of turmoil, and it is time to say goodbye, and the sooner the better for everyone.

__________

If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Manny Ramirez is mired in the midst of his annual mid-summer meltdown. It appears he may finally have worn out his welcome even in Boston, where Red Sox management has shown incredible patience over the years with the $160 million head case.

The final straw may have come Friday night, when Manny begged out of the lineup just prior to the first game of a huge home series against the Yankees, citing mysterious knee problems to bench coach Brad Mills while manager Terry Francona was addressing the media.

The club immediatey called Manny's bluff, sending him for MRI's on both knees, which came back negative. Now, just weeks after Ramirez serenely stated that he knew the team would pick up both of the $20 million options they hold on his contract and that he fully expected to finish his career in Boston, there is no one anywhere who expects that to happen.

Half-Baked Ravings has unearthed a secret listing of some of the excuses Ramirez has used over the eight tumultuous seasons the talented slugger has spent in Boston as to why he was unable to take the field at various times. This listing is not complete, but merely a representative sample:

January 30, 2001: Just weeks after signing his massive eight-year, $160 million contract to come to Boston as a free agent, Manny calls then-manager Jimy Williams, complaining he isn't feeling well and will not be able to play in that evening's game. Williams explains it is only January, and that the season doesn't start until April.

April 9, 2001: Hours before the day's game, Manny calls Jimy Williams on the telephone and says he won't be able to make it to the park on time. He is lost, and can't remember what exit to take for Jacobs Field. Williams reminds Manny he plays in Boston now. Manny turns around.

July 14, 2003: Manny informs then-manager Grady Little that he is unable to play in the game that day. Little asks what's wrong and Manny tells him he's fine, but the dog ate his glove.

August 7, 2005: Manny begs out of the game, citing headaches. Manager Terry Francona, concerned about his star left fielder, sends him to the hospital for a precautionary MRI on his head. Results on the head scan turn up nothing. Literally.

September 2, 2006: Manny starts the game, but has to be replaced after he wanders into the left-field scoreboard during a pitching change and can't find his way out. Days later he is finally located, sitting inside the Green Monster trying in vain to make all the numbers for the manually-operated scoreboard add up to 160 million.

Whatever team becomes home to the Human Rubik's Cube that is Manny Ramirez and his Traveling Circus in 2009 will quickly discover, if they don't already know, that he defines the term, "high mantenance." With all that production comes a price. Hopefully they will keep a psychologist on retainer - for team officials, not for Manny.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

In the annals of people who are funny without intending to be - think George W. Bush - Brett Favre is a certain first-ballot Hall of Famer. I mean, really, can't you see Frank Caliendo donning fake whiskers and adopting a grizzled countenance, going, "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out." Can't you just picture it?

Favre must be a barrel of laughs during Happy Hour - "I'll have a vodka and tonic. No, wait, make it a bourbon on the rocks. Hold on, hold on, I changed my mind. Give me a beer. Uh, never mind, you know what? I'm good. Just bring some more of those Buffalo wings!" By the time he's done ordering, Happy Hour is over and drink prices have tripled.

The latest kink in the tale of Favre's almost pathological refusal to reach a decision and stick with it came Sunday, when he revealed that he had agreed to a request from Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson that he sit out "a couple of days" in order to give the team a little breathing room in their attempts to reach some sort of accomodation with the former league MVP in his (maybe) quest to (possibly) play again. Or maybe not. It's so hard to decide.

The thing that makes this latest development so funny - unless, of course, you're a fan of either, A) The Green Bay Packers or, B) Sanity - is the quote attributed to Favre in his interview with Sports Illustrated. He said, and this is an actual quote, as hard as that may be to believe, "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers."

That's a little like Madonna saying, "Well, I haven't slept with everyone." They both presumably mean what they're saying, but the significance of the statement is dwarfed by the past behavior.

The Favre retirement saga is now officially the longest-running comedy skit in history, last week surpassing Saturday Night Live in length of engagement as well as tiredness of the act. But the sad part of the whole messy affair is that the man who is arguably one of the top five quarterbacks ever in NFL history is going to be remembered for a long, long time as a carnival sideshow, a sad joke who couldn't see the forest for the trees.

He has become 42 year old Willie Mays, stumbling over third base in a Mets uniform, unable to recognize that it's time to saddle up and ride out of town.

Eventually, say maybe when Favre reaches Frank Gifford's age, perhaps people will think of the Super Bowl winning quarterback or the three straight NFL MVP awards or the nine Pro Bowl selections when his name comes up in conversation, rather than the guy who became a national sports punch line; a man who couldn't make a simple decision.

It will certainly take a while, but for his sake, hopefully it will happen.

__________

If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

Have you ever noticed the sporting world has a language all its own? Someone who doesn't follow sports can sit down in front of, say, ESPN SportsCenter or any similar forum, listen attentively for an hour and have no clue what the people on the show are discussing, even if they speak perfect English. Or Spanish, if they happen to be watching ESPN Deportes.

Nowhere is this more evident than when you listen to management types in the world of sports discussing their teams. They seem to specialize in telling the media things without really telling them anything, with bonus points added in for length of statement. The longer the nonsensical statement, the more points awarded.

For example, take the Brett Favre/Green Bay Packers situation. Management types all over the NFL have shifted into Obfuscation Overdrive, running up incredible point totals; totals that would bring a pinball machine to its knees, with statements like the following from New York Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini.

When asked if he had discussed the possibility of obtaining Favre with GM Mike Tannenbaum, Mangini replied, "I feel the same way as I felt yesterday and nothing's changed. With any conversations me and Mike have, Mike likes to talk about a lot of different scenarios and he enjoys a good chart, he enjoys a good graph and he enjoys a lot of scenarios. That's what he does, and that's what he's supposed to do. So, just normal discussions that we always have."

And that's so true with all of us, isn't it? Who among us doesn't enjoy a good chart and graph every now and then?

Or, how about this beauty from New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, discussing the hiring of defensive backs coach Dom Capers: "He's been in a number of 3-4 systems. The Pittsburgh system. Nick (Saban's) system in Miami. The one he ran in Houston. He adds a lot of quality experience. I'm not sure exactly all the ways we'll use him, but we'll figure those out.''

Uh, coach, you do realize he's not going to, you know, actually play, right? My guess is Belichick saw the quote from his former disciple Mangini in New York and decided to show off; to let the kid know that the old Master still has a few moves left.

So there you have it - The art of saying something without actually saying anything. It's not just a Jedi mind-trick, and it's not just for politicians anymore, either; although with this being a presidential election year, you can be sure this is only the beginning.

__________

If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com