You know you're stuck in the dog days of summer when it seems like all the sports stories are the same ones, recycled over and over. The promise of spring is gone for a lot of Major League baseball teams as they drop out of pennant races, the real college and NFL football games are still weeks away, and even though the Olympic Games are happening this year, there doesn't seem to be much sizzle.
So here, in no particular order, are the sports stories that would be banned immediately if I were King of the World:
1) Brett Favre - As great a player as Brett Favre was, and as poorly as his annual retirement sagas were handled (especially this year's), and whether he leads the NFL in passer rating and wins a Super Bowl with the Jets this year or whether he stinks worse than two week old tuna, can't we just let the whole thing go? I bet even Obama and McCain can agree on this one. Please, sports people everywhere, for the love of God, I'm begging you, just let the Favre thing go!
2) Manny Ramirez - Now the big story is that Bud Selig has asked a representative to look into how the whole Manny trade from Boston to Los Angeles was handled. Yay. What's he planning on doing if he doesn't like how it was handled? Declare the whole thing a tie? Let it go for crying out loud! Manny will hit like gangbusters and play hard until he decides not to and that's that. What you see is what you get with him. Always has been and always will be. Let's move on.
3) Redeem Team - Not to be cynical here, but sitting on the edge of my seat, trying to see if a bunch of multi-millionaires can beat another bunch of multi-millionaires to win a gold medal in what used to be the ultimate amateur competition just doesn't really do it for me. The outstanding United States Olympic Basketball Team will either win it all or they won't. What does redeeming have to do with anything?
4) Olympic athletes testing positive for banned substances - I guess I am getting cynical in my old age, but over the next three weeks or so we will see a few stories of courage and inspiration, a few genuinely interesting and exciting matchups in sports most of us only pay attention to every four years, and more than a few medal-winning athletes testing positive for banned substances and being stripped of their medals. They will immediately have the obligatory stunned and outraged reaction, proclaim their innocence, insist - through their high-profile attornies - that they have no idea how the substance got into their system and will fight these scurrilous charges until their dying breath, and then six months to a year down the line will give their medals back and serve their suspensions. Happens every four years. I can't wait.
Okay, I'm done now. Sorry for the interruption. I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to the Jets website to read up on the latest Favre stuff.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
According to a story published August 6 by the Associated Press, United States Olympic champion swimmer Amanda Beard was forced to "launch her naked, anti-fur campaign poster outside the Athletes Village after Chinese authorities cancelled a planned unveiling."
According to PETA spokesman Jason Baker, "Amanda didn't want her voice to be silenced, so we went ahead and arranged something else."
I've never been accused of being the brightest guy in the room, even when I'm in the room by myself, but am I wrong when I assume that it's not Amanda Beard's voice the Chinese are worried about?
Anyway, the point of Ms Beard's little stunt, which is exactly what it was, undoubtedly is to draw as much publicity to her cause as possible. In that, the Chinese cooperated quite nicely. If they had simply ignored her, she would have "unveiled" her poster, everyone would have ogled it appropriately, or perhaps inappropriately as the case may be, and everyone would then have gone about their business after cluck-clucking about the horrible state of affairs in the fur industry.
Now, however, the fact that her dog and pony show got cancelled, or at least rescheduled, the whole affair becomes worldwide news, giving everyone the chance to: A) Google the naked poster of Amanda Beard, because, really, how can you discuss a news event you aren't intimately familiar with, and B) Discuss, around the water cooler, the issue of the cruelty or non-cruelty of using real fur as an adornment on your jacket.
Personally, I don't have an opinion either way, but I foresee a frightening trend developing. What happens when Brett Favre sees all the attention Amanda Beard is receiving for her naked poster and decides to unveil one of his own, wearing only his Green Bay Packers helmet, in order to force a trade? Or even worse, he poses in only one of those furry Viking hats with the horns sticking out the side? There's the whole thorny fur issue popping up again.
Then, to carry the ugly scenario one step further, Mike McCarthy sees Favre's tactics and immediately determines to fight fire with heartburn and release his own naked poster? I think you can see where I'm going with this, and I'm not sure it's a road anyone wants to travel.
So, thanks a lot Amanda Beard. As much as I'm in favor of you posing naked, whenever and wherever you wish, and pushing whatever cause you choose with your nakedness, you've opened up a can of worms; you've released a genie from the bottle that might never get put back in.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to examining that poster.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
- Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers receiver, after slugging cornerback Ken Lucas in the face during practice Friday: "I'm completely wrong. It was an asinine decision."
What I Meant to Say: "What was I thinking? I'm a receiver and I hit Lucas with my hand? Thank God I only broke his nose and not my knuckles or something; where would I be then? I'll tell you this, I'm going to be a lot more careful next time. Talk about your asinine decisions. Sheesh!" _____
- Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers starting quarterback (maybe), on the news that Brett Favre had been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and would be reporting to camp: "I know if they do open it up to a competition, not a lot of people give me a chance..."
What I Meant to Say: "Why won't this guy quit already? What did I ever do to deserve this? He's hanging around longer than Andy Rooney, for crying out loud! We need to trade for Steve Smith." _____
Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins head coach, talking about who is Number One on the depth chart at the quarterback position on his team: "That depth chart in your hands right now won't be the same this afternoon, never mind tomorrow, so it's going to change every single day."
What I Meant to Say: "That depth chart will change every day, or until we can convince Dan Marino to take a page out of Brett Favre's playbook." _____
Ned Yost, Milwaukee Brewers manager, on the dugout confrontation between Manny Parra and Prince Fielder during their game against the Reds Monday night: "If you want to know what happened...you're not going to know. It's private, it's between us, and it's not a big deal...It makes teams better."
What I Meant to Say: "At least I sure hope it make teams better, because we can't get much worse right now." _____
Jason Giambi, New York Yankees slugger, after shaving his mustache following the Yankees come-from-behind win Sunday: "In about a week, it will be back. It goes hand in hand with winning."
What I Meant to Say: "If they'd let me grow my hair out like I did in Oakland, I guarantee we'd win it all. It has nothing to do with talent; it's all about the hair." __________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
How do you gain acceptance from the fans in a new situation in a strange city after being traded for one of the most feared hitters of this generation, all in the middle of a heated pennant race?
Well, how about by hitting a triple in your first at-bat with your new team, reaching base four times in that game, and scoring the only two runs in a 2-1, extra-inning win? Then you could follow that up with a three-run homer in the first inning of the next game to put your team ahead to stay, while playing stellar defense, something fans in that city aren't used to from their left fielder.
Do all that, Jason Bay, and you become an instant fan favorite, even in a notoriously high pressure city, where players on every team based in that city are routinely subjected to a level of scrutiny some guys are never able to adjust to.
Who knows what the long term holds for Bay, the 29 year old left fielder beginning his American League career with the Boston Red Sox after spending his first four seasons with the Pittsburgh Pirates, but for now, if the signs scattered around Fenway Park are any indication, the guy has the fans eating out of his hands.
A random sampling of some of those signs:
"Manny Who?"
"Welcome to the Bay State!"
"FenBay Park"
"Un-Bay-Lievable!"
"Boston Loves BaysBall!"
"We're Bay-Watch Babes!"
and my personal favorite,
"Bay being Bay"
As of Sunday night, the Red Sox are now 3-0 in the Jason Bay era in Boston. The Bay State, indeed!
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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
Just when you think you've seen it all - and it's hard not to believe you have after nearly eight full years of Manny Ramirez lunacy - comes this report from the Boston Globe's Gordon Edes, citing an unnamed source "with direct knowledge of the negotiations" that took place between Manny's representatives and the Boston Red Sox.
According to Edes, who covers the Red Sox daily, "within an hour after [the] Red Sox informed Manny Ramirez he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers...Ramirez' agent, Scott Boras, called the Sox back." Incredibly, the message Boras carried was that Manny was just kidding about the whole getting out of Boston thing; just kidding when he said that the Red Sox didn't deserve a player like him; just kidding when he said he was sick of them and they were sick of him.
According to Edes, Boras offered the following proposal - if Boston agreed to drop the option years on his contract, Manny would be a good boy and not cause any more trouble the rest of the season!
By that time,of course, the deal with the Dodgers was done, making the affair probably the last "Manny Moment" ever in Boston. Unless of course, by some massive cosmic joke the Red Sox were to meet the Dodgers in the World Series, which, undoubtedly, every single management type at the Fox network, the home of this year's Fall Classic, would sell their souls to see.
But for now the point is moot. The Manny Ramirez Traveling Circus has taken its show to the West Coast, and everyone involved is beginning the long process of moving on. For Manny, though, who must be wondering why this time was so different after all the other episodes of foolishness the Red Sox management endured for so long without ever seeming to hold him accountable, it's a new day in Hollywood, and a new town to woo with the promise of all his monster talent.
Here's hoping he doesn't quit on his new team like he quit on his old one.
__________
If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com
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