In professional sports, it's all about how you perform on the field. Can you execute in clutch situations? Can you do your job when the chips are down? Nothing else matters; that's what makes you a professional.

Unless, of course, you play on the the LPGA tour, where, starting in 2009, players who have been on the tour for at least two years "must pass an oral evaluation of their English skills," according to a report on Golfweek.com. The tour justifies this brand-new rule by stressing "the importance of being able to entertain pro-am partners. Players are already fined if the LPGA receives complaints from their pro-am partners."

Wow. What's next? Presumably most of the pro-am partners are men, wouldn't it be more "entertaining" to mandate short-shorts for the LPGA players on pro-am day? What if a pro-am partner wants a little cuddle time from his playing partner during the round? That would be the ultimate "entertainment," wouldn't it?

Ridiculous? Sure it is, but so is the idea that all of the golfers on the LPGA Tour should be little Barbies that can carry on conversations in English with their stuffed-shirt pro-am partners. The men's PGA Tour has no such English-speaking mandate and they seem to be doing okay.

According to the report at Golfweek.com, 26 different countries are represented on the LPGA Tour this year by 121 different players; 45 of them are from South Korea.

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but the Korean language is just a little bit different than English, and now, in addition to telling these people - who are professional golfers, not linguists or diplomats - that they must drive and chip and putt against the best women in the world if they want to be successful on this tour, that, oh yeah, by the way, learn a totally foreign language just in case you win a tournament. We wouldn't want you foreigners embarrassing a sponsor by playing magnificent golf over an entire weekend but not being able to pronounce the company's name in the post-tournament interviews.

The most incredible part of this story is the reaction of the players, most of whom seem to think it's perfectly reasonable. I wonder what the reaction would be if the players were told they had a year to learn Korean or face being banned from the tour until they did?

And, yes, I do realize that many, if not most, of these young ladies have played college golf in the states and thus should be able to speak at least passable English. I understand that, and good for them if they can, even if they're not from the U.S. But if even one deserving player is prevented from earning a living, not because she isn't good enough, but because she doesn't speak the right language, then it will illustrate the absurdity of only allowing the "right" people to compete.

Rightly or wrongly, the sport of golf is viewed among many as an elitist game. Is this really the message they want to send to people over at the LPGA? That you can only play if you speak my language? Haven't we gone through decades of strife with a little thing called the civil rights movement? Aren't we smarter than this?

I had intended to cut and paste the Korean translation for the phrase "Speak English or beat it" here, but this board doesn't support Korean - all I get when I do it is a bunch of question marks which, the more I think about it, the more I believe that's incredibly appropriate.  So, LPGA, here's what I think of your message of inclusion and good sportsmanship: ??? ?? ???? ???

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

Over at Yahoo, they did a piece called, "America's Ten Worst Cities to be a Sports Fan." Of course, the headline on the main page was accompanied by a picture of a fan sitting in the stands with a paper bag over his head, something that has been done so many times by now that it should be considered the Madonna of sports cliches, topped only by (maybe) that silly "DE-" and then the picture of a fence which apparently has been mandated by law to be featured at every professional and college football game in the country.

I mean, really. The bag over the head thing was funny and original back in the seventies when poor, beleaguered New Orleans Saints fans were doing it, but where has the originality gone? Archie Manning's kids are now playing in the NFL; can't we find a new way to show our disgust with the home team?

Anyway, in this article at Yahoo, the author "compared the latest median household income figures from the Census Bureau to the Fan Cost Index for each team compiled by Team Marketing...Those ratios were then compared to team performance, with regular season won-lost records and playoff outcomes combined for all teams in a given city."

Got all that?

No? Me neither, although their fancy formula determined that the city of Miami is currently the worst place to be a professional sports fan in America, so it must have something going for it. Undoubtedly Cam Cameron wouldn't argue with that assessment; not after going 1-15 in his only season as head coach of the Dolphins.

But, really, as sports fans, arent we all accustomed to failure? If you follow teams in any of the four so-called major professional sports - baseball, football, basketball and hockey - which is what Yahoo's writers considered in their analysis, then you can't really be completely happy with your team's season unless they won their league's championship, right? And you can throw college football and Nascar into the mix, too, since they have championships of their own.

The team almost universally considered to be the most successful ever, with the longest and most storied history, would be the New York Yankees of Major League Baseball. They've won an astonishing 26 world championships since 1900, nearly triple the number won by the next-most-successful team, the St. Louis Cardinals.

Impressive numbers, until you consider the fact that by winning 26 times in 108 years, they've lost 82 times! 26 championships in 108 years means they have been ultimately successful just 24% of the time, zero percent in the last eight years; no wonder Hank Steinbrenner seems so upset all the time.

You could argue with my choice of team to use as an example - the Montreal Canadiens of the NHL and the Boston Celtics of the NBA are also widely considered to be the most successful in their league's history - but the point is still the same: even these teams with such great traditions of winning championships have lost a lot more than they've won.

When you think about it, it's really a wonder we all don't wear bags on our heads. It's not easy being a sports fan.

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If youlove fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com                                                              

The current management group of the Boston Red Sox has done, for the most part, an admirable job of protecting young pitchers while still developing them to the point where they have been able to help the big club, in many cases much sooner than people expected. The recent successes of Jonathan Papelbon and Jon Lester are two good examples.

The Red Sox dropped the ball with Clay Buchholz, though, in a big way. Maybe it was the lure of all that talent that shone through last September 1 when Buchholz, then only 22 years old and in his second big league start, threw a no-hitter against Baltimore, striking out nine, in a 10-0 victory.

Maybe it was the notion that the problems Buchholz started having in early May could be worked out while in the rotation. Or maybe it was simply a situation where, with injuries to Curt Schilling, Bartolo Colon and Tim Wakefield, the Red Sox felt that they simply could not afford to demote the youngster to work out his problems.

Whatever the reason, Boston's handling of a young pitcher with a tremendous upside has backfired. After his start on May 2, when Buchholz went 5.1 innings, giving up five hits and one run in a 7-3 victory over Tampa Bay, he had evened his record at 2-2, with a very respectable 3.71 ERA.

Since that time, however, everything has fallen apart in what has been a slow-motion train wreck that has been excruciating to watch and undoubtedly even more painful for the 23 year old to live through. In ten appearances since then, nine of them starts, Buchholz has pitched just 42 innings, giving up 43 earned runs on 62 hits and 27 walks, for an ERA of 9.21!

Oh yeah, and in those appearances the kid has racked up an impressive 0-7 record. His season ERA has jumped from that 3.71 mark on May 2 to where it currently stands, 6.75. He has given up runs in every single appearance and pitched a total of just 6.1 innings in his last three, giving up eleven earned runs. The wheels fell off the bus a long time ago, and now the entire bus has fallen apart around him.

You didn't have to be a pitching coach to see this coming, either. For at least the last six weeks, it has been obvious to anyone watching that Clay Buchholz has been pitching without the slightest confidence that he can get anyone out, and yet the Red Sox have been sending him out there time and again to put on a blindfold, smoke one last cigarette, and get the firing squad treatment from an assortment of different teams.

What, technically, his problems are is a mystery to me, and apparently to the Red Sox, since they weren't able to fix him. After his last disastrous appearance against Baltimore on August 20, when he went just 2.1 innings and gave up five earned runs, he was given his ticket down to Double A, where, hopefully, he can work his problems out without the pressure of a pennant race hanging over his head.

Clay Buchholz was not ready for this, and Boston management should have seen it by mid-June. He may very well get his act together in the minor leagues and come back and be a dominant pitcher for years, but if that doesn't happen, some people should be made to answer some very tough questions about why they let this kid twist in all the wind generated by guys running around the bases on him for three months before they did anything about it.

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If you love fiction and have a few mintes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

3) A twelve foot putt on the eighteenth green to win a match - Whether it's the Masters on the line or a five dollar bet against your buddy, everything seems to slow down as the affected player tries to control his breathing and blot out distractions. Palms sweat and knees knock as what looks really easy is in fact really hard. It's beautiful.

2) A goaltender moving thirty feet out of his crease to stone a shooter on a breakaway - Maybe I'm partial to this one because I was a goalie, but who doesn't hold their breath on a breakaway in a hockey game, whether you're rooting for the team on offense or defense? A breakaway by a player on skates moving about thirty miles an hour is one of the most breathtaking moments in sports, and when it ends in a great save - beautiful.

1) A career minor leaguer getting his first big league hit in a meaningless September game - Isn't there a little Crash Davis in all of us? Don't you just love it when a guy who has toiled in minor league obscurity for upwards of a decade in some cases stands at the plate and drives the ball to the opposite field for a single against an established major league pitcher? Even if he never gets another hit, he will have a baseball on his mantle that he can show to his children and grandchildren, and tell the story of how, at least for one day, he was as good as anyone.
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1) Where does Michael Phelps go from here?

Not that it's necessarily a bad problem to have, but what do you do when you have conquered not just your own sport, but the entire sporting world before your 24th birthday? In the history of the modern Olympic Games, dating back into the 1800's, no individual has ever hauled in as many gold medals in a single Olympic Games as Phelps has won in 2008.

Perhaps President of NBC would be a fair position to offer the kid, since the network has benefitted maybe the most off of his incredible run of success. Ratings were astronomical, as people tuned in to see if he would succumb to the mounting pressure of trying to make history. Guess we now know the answer to that question.


2) Why was everyone so surprised when it was discovered that the little girl singing at the Opening Ceremonies was lip-synching, and hadn't even recorded the song she was singing in the first place?

Anyone remember Milli Vanilli? This stuff crops up every now and then and people always act so shocked and outraged that anyone would try to pull something over on them. Get real.

And as far as the age of the Chinese female gymnasts is concerned, same thing. I have no idea whether they are the appropriate age to qualify for the Olympics or not, but is there anyone out there who really believes the Chinese government would be above pulling a fast one to get the most out of their shining moment in the world's spotlight? Again, get real. Happens all the time.


3) This isn't really sports related, but did I miss the memo that went out regarding weather forecasters?

Why did all the weather geeks suddenly decide that it's not "thunderstorms" any more, but rather just "storms?" Watch any forecast, local or national, and they all say the same thing - "Developing clouds this afternoon, with a chance of storms as the evening progresses."

Aren't they supposed to be as specific as possible? Shouldn't they say "thunderstorms" if that's what they mean? Isn't there more than one type of storm? Maybe it will be a hailstorm or just a rainstorm, but no, when they refer to thunderstorms, they all just say "storms."

I don't like it. It bugs me. Except for Hannah Storm. There's no need to refer to her as Hannah Thunderstorm, but she's the only exception that should be tolerated in my book.


4) Did Joe Torre think he left the zoo behind when he left New York?

When Manny Ramirez got out to L.A. and vowed to cut his hair, was the half-inch or so that got taken off really what Torre had in mind?

Seeing Manny be Manny must be like getting a rusty nail in the eye for Torre, a baseball lifer who played in the days when management and ownership had all the rights and players had none, to deal with a guy like Ramirez, who is tolerated because of his tremendous talent but who seems to have no ability to see the world through anyone else's eyes. I suppose having $200 million will do that to a guy, but still.


5) How long will it be before Brett Favre begins getting skewered by the press and the fans in New York?

Two games? Five? Half a season?

Favre has always been an all-or-nothing quarterback, which has simultaneously been both his blessing and his curse. As long as he consistently delivers "alls," he will be hailed as a conquering hero in football's toughest market. As soon as a few "nothings" get tossed in there, though, watch out. If he's able to protect the ball like he did in the first half of last season in Green Bay, Favre has nothing to worry about. That's never been his history, though, so look for fireworks as the season progresses.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com