At last it's here, everyone's favorite time of year. It's the topic of conversation around everyone's water cooler at work, along with the finale of "Skating with Celebrities." It can be none other than, that's right, Oscar time! The time when we all find out which of the movies we never went to see, and most of which we never heard of, is crowned best of the year.

Like the Super Bowl, Final Four, World Series and Masters all rolled into one, the Oscars have the additional advantage of allowing us to hear the precious inner thoughts of some of the most self-absorbed people on the planet,the stars themselves, during their acceptance speeches. Plus, there's the attention-grabbing walk down the red carpet. Yes, the Academy Awards have got it all.

In honor of this special time of year, I hereby present a sneak peak into some of the major categories that will be up for awards come this evening. Remember, if you would prefer not to get these insights, or you have anything else at all to do, please turn away now.

Best Picture Nominees:
----------Brokeback Mountain: The inspiring account of love blossoming between two Cowboys, Bill Parcells and Terry Glenn.
----------Crash: A probing look into the contract negotiations between the NFL and the NFLPA. This film is the ultimate cliffhanger, in that no one yet knows how it ends.
----------Good Night, and Good Luck: An intimate look inside the relationship between Bode Miller and his bartender after last call, when it's time to drive home.
----------Munch: Also nominated in the Best Documentary category, this blockbuster exposes NotreDame head coach Charlie Weis' halftime routine.
----------TransAmerica: In a gender-bending star turn, Felicity Huffman gives the performance of a lifetime as John Madden, traveling from city to city in the MaddenCruiser. Even more boring than it sounds.

Best performance in a comedy routine:
----------Drew Rosenhaus: His solo act on Terrell Owens' front lawn had them rolling in the aisles. Even his clients were questioning his mental stability.
----------Bill Leavy and the officiating crew of Super Bowl XL: This tour de force of comedic genius has to be considered the front-runner in this category, performed as it was in front of a world-wide audience estimated in the billions.
----------Rafael Palmeiro: Master of comedic understatement, when he told Congress, "I have never used steroids. Period," no one got the joke until five months later.

Best Bad Actor:
----------Terrell Owens: Also up for a Lifetime Achievement Award in this category, this master of bad-acting alienated his fans, teammates, and an entire city with his antics last fall, culminating in his Grand Finale of bad-acting, piling on his own quarterback by publicly questioning his ability during the season! In honor of this incredible accomplishment, all other nominees have withdrawn their names from consideration.

Best Teammates of the Year:
----------Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb: After Owens distinguished himself with the above-mentioned antics, McNabb, normally considered a serious actor, insulted real criminals everywhere and showed his range by accusing T.O. of "Black-on black crime."
----------Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick: These U.S. Olympic speedskaters gave new meaning to the word "teammate" by feuding with each other at every public opportunity, including post-medal press conferences.

Best Performance in a Musical Comedy:
----------Everyone Under 40 Who Pretended to Enjoy Themselves at the Super Bowl XL Halftime Show: Another category with only one deserving entrant. In a display of acting that no one who saw it will ever forget, this ensemble cast showed range that would bring a tear to Sir Laurence Olivier's eye. Dancing, shouting, even pretending to know the lyrics to songs written before their parents met, this was a performance that would make you forget Drew Rosenhaus.