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Super Star
FADE IN, to a shot of the Commissioner in his opulently furnished office, sitting at his oversized, highly polished Victorian desk. Prominently displayed on the desk is an autographed photo of Bernie Brewer celebrating a Milwaukee home run. The Commissioner appears agitated, and is engrossed in a telephone conversation....
Commissioner: "....Now see here, I tried to warn you against putting money down on the U.S. in the WBC, but would you listen? No! Do you ever listen? No!!"
The Commissioner leans back with the phone to his ear, shaking his head until he explodes: "Whaddaya mean I should take a page out of Tagliabue's book? I know what you're getting at, and I must say, that really hurts, Mom....Yeah well, same to you!"
The Commissioner slams the phone down, mumbling under his breath, "Jeez, she's as bad as King George...."
The Commissioner turns to one of his minions, sitting at a small desk in the corner: "What's on tap for today, Sven?"
Minion #1: "Well, your morning is pretty much free sir, but you do have the draft for your Fantasy Baseball League coming up at lunch."
Commissioner: "Oh goody, I love Fantasy Baseball. None of the players ever talks back to you...."
The door to the Commissioner's office slams open, causing the Commissioner and his minions to leap up with a start. Entering is a muscular man with an incredibly large head, surrounded by a group of officious types, all immaculately groomed, wearing thousand-dollar suits.
Commissioner: "Now see here, what is the meaning of this? Don't you know who I am?"
Muscular Man: "Yeah, I know who you are. We had to come up without an appointment because we knew you wouldn't see us otherwise."
Commissioner: "Barry, Barry, of course I would see you. In fact, I've been meaning to ask you to come visit us for a while now. We have a few things to discuss, you and me. But who are all these immaculately groomed officious types with you?"
Muscular Man: " I know what you have in store for me, so I asked my good friend Randy Moss if he knew any high quality lawyers. He told me his agent called these guys his 'crack legal team.' Knowing his agent, I figured it couldn't get any better than that."
Commissioner: "But Barry, why would you think you need legal representation just to talk to me? We're all friends here, aren't we?"
Muscular Man: "Yeah, right, friends. I know you don't want me to break that precious career home run record, so you're going to launch an investigation into me. You figure that will distract me and keep me from breaking the record. Well, I've got news for you, friend. If you investigate me, it won't be good for anyone. I know where the bodies are buried...."
Commissioner (breaking out in a sweat): "You are speaking figuratively, right? Please tell me you're speaking figuratively."
Muscular Man: "Well, yes I am, for now. But let me tell you something. I didn't do one single thing wrong, and if i did, it wasn't anything everyone else wasn't doing."
Immaculately Groomed Officious Type #1: "Uh, Barry, that's probably enough specifics for now...."
Muscular Man: "No way. I came all this way to tell Mr. Big here how I feel, I'm going to do it. People hate me because I'm not McGwire, Mr. Nice Guy, or Sosa, Mr. Smiley-Face. All I do is piss people off and hit bombs...
Commissioner (Muttering under his breath): "You're starting to piss me off now...."
Muscular Man: "What? What did you say?"
Commissioner (Breaking into a wide, insincere smile): "Nothing Barry, nothing at all! Listen, all this talk about investigations, it's all media generated. You know how those jackals in the press are."
Muscular Man: "We're on common ground there, I hate those guys."
Commissioner (Whispering to Muscular Man): "Listen Barry, just between you and me, there's not going to be any investigation. I wanted to talk to you because I just want to know if you're still juicing. You see, I have my Fantasy Baseball draft coming up and I'm trying to decide if I should, you know, take you or not."
Muscular Man: "You want to know what??? Man, I don't believe you. I'm outta here!"
The Muscular Man and the immaculately dressed officious types storm out of the Commissioner's office, leaving the Commissioner alone with his minions once again....
Minion #2: "You believe that guy? His head barely fit through the door."
Commissioner: "I don't have time for that now. Who the hell am I going to draft in the first round now? Sven, get Clemens' telephone number for me. I need to find out his plans, quick."
FADE OUT....