To the surprise of absolutely no one, Manny Ramirez is mired in the midst of his annual mid-summer meltdown. It appears he may finally have worn out his welcome even in Boston, where Red Sox management has shown incredible patience over the years with the $160 million head case.

The final straw may have come Friday night, when Manny begged out of the lineup just prior to the first game of a huge home series against the Yankees, citing mysterious knee problems to bench coach Brad Mills while manager Terry Francona was addressing the media.

The club immediatey called Manny's bluff, sending him for MRI's on both knees, which came back negative. Now, just weeks after Ramirez serenely stated that he knew the team would pick up both of the $20 million options they hold on his contract and that he fully expected to finish his career in Boston, there is no one anywhere who expects that to happen.

Half-Baked Ravings has unearthed a secret listing of some of the excuses Ramirez has used over the eight tumultuous seasons the talented slugger has spent in Boston as to why he was unable to take the field at various times. This listing is not complete, but merely a representative sample:

January 30, 2001: Just weeks after signing his massive eight-year, $160 million contract to come to Boston as a free agent, Manny calls then-manager Jimy Williams, complaining he isn't feeling well and will not be able to play in that evening's game. Williams explains it is only January, and that the season doesn't start until April.

April 9, 2001: Hours before the day's game, Manny calls Jimy Williams on the telephone and says he won't be able to make it to the park on time. He is lost, and can't remember what exit to take for Jacobs Field. Williams reminds Manny he plays in Boston now. Manny turns around.

July 14, 2003: Manny informs then-manager Grady Little that he is unable to play in the game that day. Little asks what's wrong and Manny tells him he's fine, but the dog ate his glove.

August 7, 2005: Manny begs out of the game, citing headaches. Manager Terry Francona, concerned about his star left fielder, sends him to the hospital for a precautionary MRI on his head. Results on the head scan turn up nothing. Literally.

September 2, 2006: Manny starts the game, but has to be replaced after he wanders into the left-field scoreboard during a pitching change and can't find his way out. Days later he is finally located, sitting inside the Green Monster trying in vain to make all the numbers for the manually-operated scoreboard add up to 160 million.

Whatever team becomes home to the Human Rubik's Cube that is Manny Ramirez and his Traveling Circus in 2009 will quickly discover, if they don't already know, that he defines the term, "high mantenance." With all that production comes a price. Hopefully they will keep a psychologist on retainer - for team officials, not for Manny.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.

In the annals of people who are funny without intending to be - think George W. Bush - Brett Favre is a certain first-ballot Hall of Famer. I mean, really, can't you see Frank Caliendo donning fake whiskers and adopting a grizzled countenance, going, "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out." Can't you just picture it?

Favre must be a barrel of laughs during Happy Hour - "I'll have a vodka and tonic. No, wait, make it a bourbon on the rocks. Hold on, hold on, I changed my mind. Give me a beer. Uh, never mind, you know what? I'm good. Just bring some more of those Buffalo wings!" By the time he's done ordering, Happy Hour is over and drink prices have tripled.

The latest kink in the tale of Favre's almost pathological refusal to reach a decision and stick with it came Sunday, when he revealed that he had agreed to a request from Green Bay Packers GM Ted Thompson that he sit out "a couple of days" in order to give the team a little breathing room in their attempts to reach some sort of accomodation with the former league MVP in his (maybe) quest to (possibly) play again. Or maybe not. It's so hard to decide.

The thing that makes this latest development so funny - unless, of course, you're a fan of either, A) The Green Bay Packers or, B) Sanity - is the quote attributed to Favre in his interview with Sports Illustrated. He said, and this is an actual quote, as hard as that may be to believe, "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers."

That's a little like Madonna saying, "Well, I haven't slept with everyone." They both presumably mean what they're saying, but the significance of the statement is dwarfed by the past behavior.

The Favre retirement saga is now officially the longest-running comedy skit in history, last week surpassing Saturday Night Live in length of engagement as well as tiredness of the act. But the sad part of the whole messy affair is that the man who is arguably one of the top five quarterbacks ever in NFL history is going to be remembered for a long, long time as a carnival sideshow, a sad joke who couldn't see the forest for the trees.

He has become 42 year old Willie Mays, stumbling over third base in a Mets uniform, unable to recognize that it's time to saddle up and ride out of town.

Eventually, say maybe when Favre reaches Frank Gifford's age, perhaps people will think of the Super Bowl winning quarterback or the three straight NFL MVP awards or the nine Pro Bowl selections when his name comes up in conversation, rather than the guy who became a national sports punch line; a man who couldn't make a simple decision.

It will certainly take a while, but for his sake, hopefully it will happen.

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If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

Have you ever noticed the sporting world has a language all its own? Someone who doesn't follow sports can sit down in front of, say, ESPN SportsCenter or any similar forum, listen attentively for an hour and have no clue what the people on the show are discussing, even if they speak perfect English. Or Spanish, if they happen to be watching ESPN Deportes.

Nowhere is this more evident than when you listen to management types in the world of sports discussing their teams. They seem to specialize in telling the media things without really telling them anything, with bonus points added in for length of statement. The longer the nonsensical statement, the more points awarded.

For example, take the Brett Favre/Green Bay Packers situation. Management types all over the NFL have shifted into Obfuscation Overdrive, running up incredible point totals; totals that would bring a pinball machine to its knees, with statements like the following from New York Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini.

When asked if he had discussed the possibility of obtaining Favre with GM Mike Tannenbaum, Mangini replied, "I feel the same way as I felt yesterday and nothing's changed. With any conversations me and Mike have, Mike likes to talk about a lot of different scenarios and he enjoys a good chart, he enjoys a good graph and he enjoys a lot of scenarios. That's what he does, and that's what he's supposed to do. So, just normal discussions that we always have."

And that's so true with all of us, isn't it? Who among us doesn't enjoy a good chart and graph every now and then?

Or, how about this beauty from New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, discussing the hiring of defensive backs coach Dom Capers: "He's been in a number of 3-4 systems. The Pittsburgh system. Nick (Saban's) system in Miami. The one he ran in Houston. He adds a lot of quality experience. I'm not sure exactly all the ways we'll use him, but we'll figure those out.''

Uh, coach, you do realize he's not going to, you know, actually play, right? My guess is Belichick saw the quote from his former disciple Mangini in New York and decided to show off; to let the kid know that the old Master still has a few moves left.

So there you have it - The art of saying something without actually saying anything. It's not just a Jedi mind-trick, and it's not just for politicians anymore, either; although with this being a presidential election year, you can be sure this is only the beginning.

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If you love fiction and you have a few spare minutes, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com

From the Associated Press and Yahoo! comes this breaking news report out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and I swear it's true because, as you no doubt well know, I'm not bright enough to make this stuff up. Check out the highlights of the report, then we'll delve further into the issue.

"Bob and Leona Ehrfurth say the noise that's been plaguing them for two years sounds like...a subtle vibration that won't quit. It's enough to keep 76 year old Leona from sleeping. Her husband can sleep through it but also finds it irritating. 'It doesn't matter if the windows are open or closed - you still hear it,' he said. 'It's worse in the winter.' Alderman Andy Nicholson knows exactly what's bugging the Ehrfurths. 'Yeah, I've experienced it,' Nicholson said...'I think it would be an annoyance'."

Half-Baked Ravings investigated further, speaking with long-time Green Bay, Wisconsin resident Ted Thompson, who told us he had also experienced the incessant, annoying noise pollution the Ehrfurths referred to in the AP report. "Yeah," he noted. "I've heard it over the last couple of years myself. Over and over, and, as with the Ehrfurths, it doesn't matter whether the windows are open or closed. It almost sounds like voices, you know? 'I'm retiring, I'm not retiring, I want to move to Minnesota.' Weird."

Further investigation reveals many other Winconsinites have also noticed the noises, but have remained silent for fear of being labeled weirdos or kooks or worse. Part-year Green Bay resident Aaron Rodgers tells Half-Baked Ravings that the voices haunt him day and night. 'It's more than just voices with me,' he told our correspondent. 'It's almost as if I'm hearing footsteps coming up behind me. It's gotten to the point where I hear it day and night; the voices never seem to end, haunting my every waking moment and most of my dreams!'

Only time will tell whether the strange, unexplained sounds will eventually cease. In the meantime, Green Bay residents are urged to outfit themselves with ear plugs or those heavy, fur-lined winter ear muffs many wear to Green Bay Packer games in the winter in an effort to insulate themselves from the barrage of nonsensical noise.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website -www.allanleverone.com.

Poor Lovie Smith. The Chicago Bears training camp is starting tomorrow and, according to a report published Tuesday by the Associated Press, the Bears head coach says the battle for the starting quarterback's job between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is "dead even."

If you're a Bears fan, the emphasis on that particular quote is undoubtedly on the word "dead." Having a quarterback controversy between those two guys is a little bit like trying to decide whether you would rather be trapped without hope of rescue in a burning building or on a sinking ship.

Speaking of sinking ships, is there anyone who really thinks a record of better than, oh, say 8-8 is too terribly likely no matter who wins the "competition?" Unless the Monsters of the Midway bring back most of the defense from the 1985 World Champions, the guys on the other side of the ball will probably not have enough firepower to overcome the offensive stagnation that's going to take place on so many Sunday afternoons, Brian Urlacher's $18 million contract extension notwithstanding.

And let's not bring up two years ago, either. Sure, Sexy Rexy led Da Bears to a Super Bowl appearance, but expecting that to happen again, given Grossman's history of maddening inconsistency and Orton's limited experience and lackluster numbers when he has gotten to play, seems like a stretch even the most optimistic Bears fanatic might not be capable of managing.

The bright side, of course, is that anyone concerned about the quarterback battle has been waiting months for football to start up again, so at least you have something to talk about. And what the heck, right now everyone's tied for first, so enjoy it while you can.

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If you love fiction and have a few minutes to spare, check out my website, www.allanleverone.com.