7/31/06
Aige, Switzerland

In a move which caught everyone connected with the sport of competitive cycling by surprise, Pat McQuaid, President of cycling's world governing body, Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI), today made a shocking announcement: That UCI no longer considers doping to be against the rules. "In consideration of the extensive cheating prevalent in our sport, this organisation has decided we will no longer concern ourselves with using drug testing to ferret out those competitors seeking to gain unfair advantage by using legal or illegal drugs or stimulants, whether natural or artificial."

Sitting beneath a huge banner boasting the UCI's new slogan, "Anything worth winning is worth cheating for!" McQuaid said the controversial move will virtually eliminate cyclists achieving unfair advantages over their competitors, since now nothing will be considered unfair.

"We are poised on the precipice of a new era of athletic achievement," declared McQuaid. "Fans of cycling, and indeed of all sports, have come to expect greater and greater feats of athletic achievement. Bigger, faster, stronger." UCI President McQuaid feels competitive cycling is ahead of the curve on the issue of performance enhancement, and that other sports will quickly follow UCI's lead, once they see fans flocking to races to watch record-setting performances.

"Once performance-enhancing drugs and stimulants are permitted, fans of cycling will see for themselves which riders want it the most," said McQuaid. "In fact, we will still be conducting random testing. The only difference is, now we will be doing the testing to determine who needs to swallow, inject, or inhale more to keep up."

The president said stations will be set up at all major races to ensure all the usual performance enhancers will be available to all competitors at a moment's notice. When asked if he was concerned about the long-term implications of this new strategy, McQuaid replied, "Not at all. Everyone is going to die sometime, and if these athletes wish to trade a few years at the end of their lives for enormous success and potential wealth, who are we to stop them?"

UCI President McQuaid then stopped the press conference and passed out samples of the new yellow jersey the 2007 Tour de France stage leaders will be wearing next year. They are identical to the old jerseys, except they have three different versions with slogans on them. One will say, "Doping Doesn't Make Me a Dope!" The other two say, "Speed = Speed!" and "Artifically Fast!"

McQuaid ended the press conference by saying that in light of this new strategy, Floyd Landis of the United States has been declared the final winner of the 2006 Tour de France. "We no longer care what Mr. Landis may have done in the way of doping, other than to help show future competitors the way."

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I would like to thank Norcalfella of Norcalfella Unfiltered for providing the inspiration for this entry. In a comment on one of my recent posts, Norcal wrote, "Someone needs to start an all-drugs league in some sport or the other." I immediately started imagining what the news conference would look and sound like if any sport decided to stop worrying about performance-enhancing drugs, etc. The above post is what I pictured.

If you are a fan of competitive cycling, please understand this is satire. Yes, I understand every sport has its share of problems with drugs and cheating. Yes, I understand the UCI, in the real world, has as recently as today on its web site recommitted itself to maintaining a clean sport.