DULUTH, Minnesota, AP.  Walter "Bug" Bujkowski, a football innovator credited with the invention of the shovel pass and the tackle-eligible play, died in his sleep last night of congestive heart failure. He was 97.

Proper shovel pass technique

One of the game's early visionaries, Bujkowski developed the shovel pass in a 1927 game against the Pottsville Maroons. 

"Bug was at tailback for the Duluth Eskimoes," recalled Jim "Popcorn" Brandt, a Maroons' lineman, "and he took a direct snap.  Bug sorta flipped the ball to the wingback, Johnny 'Horse' Hampton, and hit him right in his nickname.  I pounced on it but Bug started yelling 'shovel pass, shovel pass' and convinced the referee it wasn't a lateral."

Pottsville Maroons

Bujkowski's quick thinking saved the day as Duluth went on to beat Pottsville, 12-3, the only bright spot in a 1-8-0 season for the Eskimoes.  He had developed his shoveling skills as a youth working in the hard-scrabble, rough-and-tumble Owl Creek Mountains of Wyoming, where life-threatening avalanches of hyphens are an unfortunate fact of life.

Earl "Milk Train" Poindexter

Bujkowski would later improvise another pigskin innovation, the tackle eligible play, when he coached the Providence Steam Rollers.  "We had an end that year who was real lazy," recalled Earl "Milk Train" Poindexter, the Steam Rollers' wing back.  "He'd lean on the defensive lineman and grunt-just go through the motions."

Bukj-I mean Bujkowski, with Duluth Eskimos

"Bug finally had enough one day and pulled the guy out of the game.  One of the assistants asked who they should send in to replace him.  Bug said, 'We're better off with nobody at that position than somebody who's going to dog it.'" 

Mike Varbel, I mean Vrabel

Two plays later Bujkowski forgot that he had removed the end and called for a pass play.  Providence quarterback Ed "Thunderbolt" Thompson threw it to the tackle at the end of the offensive line, paving the way for modern-day uses of the formation such as Mike Vrabel's touchdown for the New England Patriots in the 2005 Super Bowl against the Eagles.

Bujkowski was a self-effacing man who wanted no credit for his pioneering inventions.  When asked by a reporter at his 1993 Pro Football Hall of Fame induction how history would view his contributions to the game, Bujkowksi replied "Who gives a rat's patootie-where's the buffet?"

Tige

His eyesight failing, Bujkowski lived out his declining years in a double-wide trailer with his chihuahua "Tige".  When interviewed by this reporter shortly before his death, Bujkowski said "I have no regrets.  I've lived a full life, and I-JESUS, GET THIS DAMN SQUIRREL OFF MY-oh wait.  That's Tige."

In lieu of flowers, the family asked that contributions be made to the Bemidji Institute for the Study of Sports Head Trauma.

FOXBORO, Mass.  The New England Patriots announced today that water boy Jeffrey Pader has signed with the Minnesota Vikings for next year, the fourth member of the team's front office or on-field staff to depart since the end of the season.

"We should have room under the salary cap for a new water boy, assuming we get the nickel deposit back on all our bottles."

"Jimmy--I mean Jeffy--did a great job for us, always coming up with just the right mix of Gatorade and Aquafina," said head coach Bill Belichick to reporters by conference call.  "On any successful football franchise people are going to move on, and we wish him well."

Tools of the trade

The Pats have lost Josh McDaniels, Scott Pioli, Brad Seely, Dom Capers and the keys to the weight room since ending the season at 11-5, and concern about a "brain drain" on the team persuaded Belichick to place the "franchise" tag on ball boy Peter Gardik, a twelve year-old who attends Edward G. "Buddy" LeRoux Middle School in Swansea, Mass.  The designation will allow the Pats' to retain Gardik for an amount no less than the average of the top five ball boy salaries, or 120 percent of his sister's baby-sitting earnings, whichever is greater.

E.G. "Buddy" LeRoux

"I think you're going to see a lot of teams using the franchise tag on their ball boys after the season Larry Fitzgerald has had," said Herm Losier of Pro Football Today, referring to the Arizona Cardinals' All-Pro wide receiver, a former Vikings ball boy.  "Water boys are a dime a dozen, or $5.95 for the six-pack of Gatorade Orange."

ST. LOUIS, Mo.  Orlando Pace, left tackle for the St. Louis Rams, didn't realize something was missing from his life until last night.

Orlando Pace:  Huge Alvin Ailey fan.

"I was switching back and forth between Masterpiece Theatre on PBS and Alvin Ailey on Bravo when I stumbled onto an NFC playoff game," says the seven-time Pro Bowl selection.  "All of a sudden it hit me--I should have been playing football," he says as he fires up a homemade particle accelerator he uses to barbecue ribs with the heat generated by collisions between quarks and gluons.

"Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once!"

The Rams are the NFL's smartest team based on their collective performance on the Wonderlic Personnel Test, a standardized exam given at the NFL Scouting Combine to college football players who hope to make the pros. Despite that surfeit of grey matter, the team ended up last in the weak NFC West Division with a record of 2-14.

"Dante--Ezra Pound--Canto I, Canto II--hut!"

The Wonderlic exam includes questions such as: "Rope is selling for $.10 a foot, and Bob is on a train traveling 60 miles an hour from Kansas City to St. Louis.  You should be in: (a) a seven-man front, (b) a nickel defense with a Cover 2, or (c) a basic 4-3 alignment with RE and RT stunting."

Jim Haslett, head coach of the Rams, says the team's IQ sometimes gets in the way of its performance on the field.

"I told the guys to suck it up in training camp, we had a shot at a wildcard spot," Haslett said with disgust, "but no, they'd rather play chess and conjugate irregular French verbs."

Cuthbertson's Irregular French Verb Wheel

"Don't blame me," said free safety Oshiomogho Atogwe as he looked up over a paperback copy of Jorge Luis Borges' Ficciones.  "Our playbook is bo-ring."

Borges:  "The wind from the east is weak--we'll receive!"

Among the teams with lesser intellectual gifts who made the playoffs were the Philadelphia Eagles, who missed the playoffs entirely last year.  The Eagles' coaching staff credits a top-to-bottom overhaul of the team's learning environment.

"The guys were listening to 'Hooked on Phonics' and Beethoven's late quartets in the locker room," says Rory Segrest, special teams coordinator. "We bought some heavy metal and alternated it with Jessica Simpson, and I guess you'd have to say it worked." The Eagles beat Minnesota 26-14 in their wild card game last week to advance to the divisional playoff today. "You don't run routes like we did that day if you're MENSA material," notes Segrest, referring to the high-IQ membership organization.

Rams' coach Haslett says the problem with this year's St. Louis squad is common among intellectuals.  "They're like a bunch of absent-minded professors," he notes.  "They know which sonnet of Shakespeare has the 'bare ruined choirs' line in it, but they can't remember where they put their car keys."

La'Roi Glover:  "Coach--he hit me in the apostrophe!"

La'Roi Glover, a defensive tackle, was unapologetic.  "We are on the verge of incredible breakthroughs in nanotechnology, and all Haslett wants to talk about is blitz packages." Glover blamed the Rams coaching staff for the team's poor performance this year. "I told coach to put 'Make playoffs' on his to-do list, but he went and stuck it in a copy of a stupid Danielle Steel novel. Once you drop that in the library book return, some other knucklehead will check it out and you'll never see it again."

Rams' management said they may de-emphasize their reliance on the Wonderlic test next season and draft players based on athletic rather than cognitive skills.  "Kurt Warner is the kinda player we need," said Haslett, referring to the two-time MVP who has led the Arizona Cardinals to a spot in the NFC championship game next Sunday with 33-13 win over the Carolina Panthers last night.

"Basically, Kurt's a snake-handling religious nut," Haslett pointed out.  "After every game he's telling reporters God made him throw for 300 yards, three touchdowns and no picks.  Maybe he wasn't the brightest bulb on the scoreboard, but he got us to the Super Bowl twice."

 A slightly different version of this article first appeared in Flak Magazine.

OKLAHOMA CITY.  After missing three straight games due to a left knee injury, Houston guard Tracy McGrady responded to criticism from teammate Yao Ming by scoring 26 points, including two critical free throws down the stretch, to power the Rockets to a 98-96 victory over the Thunder last night.

McGrady and Ming-or is it Yao?

Before the game, Houston center Yao Ming challenged McGrady to step up his game or step down as team leader, alleging that the seven-time All-Star had been "xiao-ing" (dogging) it during his recent injury.  Yao's complaint?  "T-Mac has no liver," the Chinese center told reporters, speaking without a translator.

"I have not been xiao-ing it!"

"What's he talking about?" was McGrady's reaction.  "If I didn't have a liver how the hell could I convert glucose into glycogen?"

The liver, without onions.

Asked to elaborate, Yao explained that the Chinese consider the liver-not the heart-to be the seat of human emotions and the source of inner strength.  "For 4,000 years Chinese know that emotions go as liver goes.  T-Mac should suck it up-that is all I am saying."

Heart = Liver

Yao substantiated his claim by showing reporters a pirated Chinese CD of the mid-70's girl group "Heart".  The rock band's name was translated as "Liver".

Battier:  "No, seriously-you can have one of mine."

The charges are sure to divide a team desperately in need of unity.  Shane Battier came to McGrady's defense and pledged to donate one of his livers to the Rocket's leading scorer.  When informed that the human body contains only one such organ, Battier rescinded his offer.  "I thought they were like kidneys-you know, everybody starts out with a pair."

Adelman:  "Show some heart.  Or liver.  Even some spleen."

Coach Rick Adelman suggested that McGrady take time off to deal with his personal issues, and Yao seconded that notion.  "He should go to China where harvested body parts are plentiful.  He could get a liver for the price of Peking duck at a good restaurant."

MIAMI, Florida. Final BCS rankings released today placed North Korea, a Communist dictatorship, ahead of Oklahoma and Florida based on the complicated system adopted in 1998 to decide college football's national champion.

Kim Jong-il: After the game, time to relax.

"I'm shocked," said Florida head coach Urban Meyer, whose team defeated Oklahoma 24-14 for what they thought at the time was the national championship.  "I thought North Korea was in the Football Championship Subdivision."

Meyer: "If he threatens to eat your dog, just ignore him."

Hwang Jang-yop, press secretary for the Worker's Party of Korea, applauded his country's achievement. "Sun of the Nation and Mankind, Kim Jong-Il, has again scored immortal exploits for the Party, the Revolution and the People, achieving a quarterback rating of 2,013.06," he said to reporters by conference call from Pyongyang. The NCAA's quarterback ratings are based on a quadratic equation, which Koreans, unlike Americans, are trained to understand.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops:  "Kim Jong-il?  Look at his goofy hair!"

The BCS formula uses two "human" polls, along with six computer rankings, to determine the best team in the country.  The computers consider a number of statistical factors, including won-loss record, strength of schedule, miles per gallon (highway) and "good" cholesterol.

"Fair catch!"

North Korea has never been considered a football power in the past, but under an agreement reached during the second Clinton administration, it received credit for removing 8,000 fuel rods from a nuclear reactor. When the last of that material was disposed of over the Christmas holiday weekend, North Korea moved into second place in the BCS rankings. Last night, it redeemed a Domino's discount pizza coupon, pushing it into first place.

Oklahoma head coach Bob Stoops complained that the coupon had expired in the Asian time zone where North Korea is located, but Communist party officials there pointed out that it was still valid in the U.S.

"Really?  You think I'm better?"

"This is so much whining on the part of the enemies of the people," Hwang Jang-yop said over the squawk box. "Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il's open-field running makes Florida's Mr. Tim Tebow look like a little girl in a Punt, Pass & Kick competition."