MIAMI.  Emerging from his office with reddened eyes and a blank look on his face, Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells tried to hide the pain that his players could detect from across the room sitting in the whirlpool.  "I have not been crying," Parcells said brusquely to a reporter who bravely asked the question that was on everyone's lips.  "I've been watching game film--lots of game film."

Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska

The source of Parcells' irritation is the lack of attention Jason Taylor, star defensive end for his team, the Miami Dolphins, is paying to offseason training.  The six-time Pro Bowl selection has been spending time not lifting weights or pushing blocking dummies around, but dancing, in front of millions of people, with partner Edyta Sliwinska on "Dancing With the Stars," while Parcells sits at home, his hair up in curlers, waiting for Taylor to call.

"I love you, man . . ."

"I broke up with him," Parcells said as he drove away on a golf cart to supervise drills by quarterbacks, receivers and defensive backs.  "He didn't break up with me."

"This is way better than a crack-back block!"

Taylor's run at dancing ended last night as he and his partner Edyta Sliwinska finished second to Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas in Tuesday's Dancing With the Stars finale, but Hollywood is calling, leaving Parcells wondering when he'll ever see his down lineman again. 

"My partner is in there somewhere." 

"'Edyta Sliwinska' sounds like a triple-word score in Scrabble," Parcells said.  "I don't know where she came from, so I think I'll call immigration officials and see if they're looking for an illegal ballroom dancing immigrant."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman