NEW ORLEANS, La. Final BCS rankings released tonight placed North Korea, a Communist dictatorship, ahead of Ohio State and Louisiana State University based on the complicated system adopted in 1998 to decide college football's national champion.

Kim Jong-Il: After the game, time to relax.

"I'm shocked," said LSU head coach Les Miles, whose team defeated Ohio State 38-24 in the Superdome for what they thought at the time was the national championship.

Tressel: "If he threatens to eat your dog, just ignore him."

Hwang Jang-yop, press secretary for the Worker's Party of Korea, applauded his country's achievement. "Sun of the Nation and Mankind, Kim Jong-Il, has again scored immortal exploits for the Party, the Revolution and the People, achieving a quarterback rating of 2,013.06," he said to reporters by conference call from Pyongyang. The NCAA's quarterback ratings are based on a quadratic equation, which Koreans, unlike Americans, are trained to understand.

Les Miles: "Look at his goofy hair!"

The BCS formula uses two "human" polls, along with six computer rankings, to determine the best team in the country.  The computers consider a number of statistical factors, including won-loss record, strength of schedule, miles per gallon (highway) and "good" cholesterol.

North Korea has never been considered a football power in the past, but under an agreement reached during the second Clinton administration, it received credit for removing 8,000 fuel rods from a nuclear reactor. When the last of that material was disposed of over the Christmas holiday weekend, North Korea moved into second place in the BCS rankings. Last night, it redeemed a Domino's discount pizza coupon, pushing it into first place.

LSU coach Miles complained that the coupon had expired in the Asian time zone where North Korea is located, but Communist party officials there pointed out that it was still valid in the U.S.

"This is so much whining on the part of the enemies of the people," Hwang Jang-yop said over the squawk box. "Glorious Leader Kim Jong Il's open-field running makes your Mr. Jacob Hester look like a little girl in a Punt, Pass & Kick competition."

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman