NEW YORK.  The New York Board of Rabbis today agreed to reschedule two Jewish holidays to accommodate the National Football League, which assigned back-to-back home games to the New York Jets on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur this fall.

"I'd feel differently if we weren't talking about the Patriots."

"I think we 'get it'," said Rabbi Gershom Kohler, bowing to pressure from the most successful sports league in America.  "We're constantly being accused of controlling the banks and the media, and I don't want to be accused of controlling the AFC East Division race."

"A brocht su dir!"

Judaism was founded around 2,000 B.C. and currently has approximately 13.2 million members.  The National Football League was formed in 1920 and currently consists of only 32 teams, but it has the most lucrative television contract of any major religion.

"It's up-and it's good!"

Judaism has spun off two other major world religions, Christianity and Islam, while the National Football League's only attempt at proselytization, NFL Europa, ended in failure in 2007.  American football crusaders abandoned their quest to conquer the Holy Land when soccer hooligans routed the Hamburg Sea Devils in the Battle of the HSH Norbank Arena.

"Oy-we're missing the kickoff!"

Under the revised schedule, Rosh Hashanah would be scheduled during the Jets' "bye week" when the team will be idle, and Yom Kippur will be moved to the Sunday after the Super Bowl, the date when the league's all-star game, the Pro Bowl, was formerly played. 

Hamburg Sea Devils:  Throwback jerseys still available.

"Moving the Pro Bowl was the right thing to do," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  "Most advertisers blow all their money on the Super Bowl, so there's not a lot of revenue left by then."