WASHINGTON.  As she watched her husband's defiant testimony before Congress yesterday, Debbie Clemens could only shake her head in sadness over how far she has fallen.  "I stand by Roger 110%," she said with tears forming in her eyes.  "I only wish that--like him--I could have just said no."

Debbie Clemens

While her husband continues to deny that he used performance-enhancing drugs during a career in which he won seven Cy Young Awards, more than Cy Young himself, Debbie Clemens has admitted that she used human growth hormone before a Sports Illustrated photo shoot, enabling her to appear more buxom than Yankees' second baseman Chuck Knoblauch.  "It was wrong, and I apologize," she said, "especially to all those little girls out there who are just strapping on their first training bras."

In happier times.

In her prime, Debbie Clemens was considered one of the greatest housewives in baseball history, chauffering her four children to school and youth sports events while maintaining a rigorous workout schedule, spending up to 35 minutes on exercise machines unless other people were waiting.  She holds the modern-day record for consecutive children named after strikeouts--Koby, Kory, Kacy and Kody.  In the pre-modern era, Lucy Yemm, wife of Bill "Five Finger" Yemm of the Cleveland Spiders, gave birth to Kevin, Karen, Kelly, Kyle and Kenneth.

"C'mon--you're hogging the Stairmaster!"

Clemens' confession was met less with surprise than relief by her circle of friends on Boston's North Shore, where the Clemens lived when Roger played for the Red Sox.  "We'd go out for Mexican food," said Alice Sheehan, a neighbor.  "The next day everybody'd be puffy but Debbie--you don't recover from a pitcher of margaritas like that unless you're on something."

"We lost your kid, so we're going to give you a FREE PIZZA!"

Clemens was sentenced to a year's probation and 200 hours of community service, which she will satisfy by working at the gift counter at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in a Houston suburb.

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman