BOSTON.  In a move that reflects Danny Ainge's philosophy to "get old in a hurry," the Boston Celtics today traded guard Rajon Rondo and the starting lineup of St. Brigid's fourth-grade CYO Falcons to the Philadelphia 76ers for the rights to Dolph Schayes, a star of the early NBA.

Dolph Schayes, pictured shortly after the earth cooled.

"I am confident that with the addition of Dolph Schayes we have put in place the last piece of the puzzle that has been sitting on the card table in the game room at the Shady Acres Rest Home for some time," said Ainge, who is Executive Director of Basketball and Mascot Operations for the Celtics.  "Dolph is the kind of guy I would have idolized when I was growing up, if I hadn't been two years old when he retired."

"Aw, Red--do I have to wear my blazer to the game?"

Ainge and the Celtics made headlines around the league over the summer as they acquired thirty-two year-old Ray Allen and thirty-one year-old Kevin Garnett for young stars Gerald Green, 21, and Al Jefferson, 22.  "Gerald and Al have a great future in this league," Ainge said, "but they didn't fit into our system where everybody has to buy a round after a win."

Togo Palazzi:  Is he available?

Those who know Ainge personally say his purge of young players is tied to feelings of insecurity he first developed when he joined the Celtics as a baby-faced guard out of Brigham Young University in 1981.  "Danny used to get carded a lot," says former teammate Robert Parrish.  "That's what happens when you try to use Chuck E. Cheese tokens to buy a pitcher of light beer."

"Hey Danny--these two bet fifty tickets they can beat you at the free throw machine!"

As for Schayes, the 79-year old says he is excited about the prospect of winning his second NBA championship.  "The only time I won it all was in '55," Schayes said.  "I don't remember which century."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman