After watching the All-Star game last night, I have had enough commercials for a lifetime.  No one needs to see commercials about beer and male enhancement in the same 5 minute span.  One of the commercials was that of Superman Returns with Shaquille O'Neal cut in between scenes.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out why, so then I thought about what other sports figures could be placed into commercials because of their current habits or reputation. 

Marco Materazzi and Orbit Gum

A lot has been made of the supposed comments by Materazzi to Zinedine Zidane that provoked the header to the chest.  Regardless of what it was, it had to be offensive enough to require lip readers to try to determine the meaning. 

They could replay the incident and show Materazzi on the ground, clenching his chest like a baby.  All of a sudden, the British Orbit girl pops out and says "Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit Gum!"  Then she does the cheesy smile and maybe even has Materazzi on the sidelines later chewing a piece as his team hits the game-winning penalty kick.

Am I the only one who finds the Orbit Chick hot???

Adam Morrison and Kleenex

Those EA Sports commercials are pretty lame, although his 25 first half points against the Bulls in summer league play were anything but.  Dude, you can not try to make crying look manly, especially when your moustache makes you look like you haven't hit puberty.

Kleenex could superimpose a UCLA player next to Morrison while he is slumped on the court, crying.  Then, the player pulls out a Kleenex, hands it to Morrison, and says, "The game isn't over, but your days of chafed nostrils are." 

Michael Jordan and Citibank (Identity Theft Solutions)

Jordan is currently being sued, along with Nike, for $862 million due to a man being hassled for looking like Mike.  Allen Heckard, the "original MJ", is tired of being mistaken for Mike and I'm sure Jordan is called Allen whenever he goes to Seattle.

I picture MJ shooting jumpers in an empty gym, and then he stops and grabs the ball, turning to the camera, and in Heckard's voice, he says,

"So I went to the grocery store and picked up a few items, you know, Gatorade, Wheaties, Energizer batteries, Ballpark franks, the usual stuff.  Then I swung over to Target and bought some Hanes, briefs of course.  Finally, I stopped at the Foot Locker and picked up a new pair of basketball shoes.  You want to know how much I paid for all that...nothing.  Man, I hate being like Mike."

Isiah Thomas and American Express Platinum

Thomas only has one year to fix that mess that New Yorkers are mistaking for an NBA team.  He has been given free reign since his inception into the organization and look what it has done for him.  Isiah might have to look for future career opportunities and what better way to get his name out then by doing commercial spots?

Isiah would be sitting behind his desk with the Knicks logo hanging to the back of him.  At that point, Thomas would look up from his paperwork and say,

"I know a thing or two about no spending limits.  Let me tell you that you can buy a lot of junk when you don't have to worry about exceeding your limit.  So reach for your American Express Platinum card and start spending because there is always a father figure who can bail you out if you get in too deep."

Eddie Griffin and 1-800-TAXI-CAB

Griffin got arrested recently after being "preoccupied" and getting into a car accident.  He was reportedly "manipulating his genitalia" as he was watching a pornographic video.  It's time for him to find alternate transportation.

Griffin is at the scene of the accident, calling to get someone to pick him up.  He then calls the taxi service, who you see pull up moments after.  He gets in and as the cab pulls away, you see the glow of a laptop and the sound of a zipper getting undone.

The NL is in the midst of one of the weirdest, and arguably, one of the worst seasons in recent memory.  With the AL's 10 year unbeaten streak in the All-Star game, there has to be some sort of reasoning behind all this.  I don't know what it is, but maybe if I point some things out, someone else could figure it out.

You know the NL is bad when...

One of the batting leaders (Freddy Sanchez) didn't even have a starting spot on the Pirates at the beginning of the season.  Now I know that there are surprise players every year, but if you can't get a starting gig on the Pirates, something just ain't right.

The leader in home runs missed nearly a quarter of the season (17 games).  I know it's Albert Pujols, which is why I'm willing to let this one slide, but I would like to think that someone could have taken the lead over him.

A division leader gets a guy with a 6.54 ERA and thinks he could solve their pitching problems.  Couldn't you at least have gone after the good brother?

Phil Garner fails to pick the ERA leader (Josh Johnson) instead of his own player (Roy Oswalt) and opt to rest his struggling ace.

Kerry Wood is out for the season.  Oh wait, that happens every year.  Forget it.

A division goes from every team finishing at .500 or above to only having one team in the same position at this year's break.

The AL is beating the NL in all 3 individual Triple Crown categories for both hitting and pitching.  I wonder if that's ever even happened before.

Women resort to stalking play-by-play announcers rather than players.  Bob Uecker may be a movie star and all, but are the player really that unappealing?

That the league leader in K's also leads the league in BB issued.  Hey Zambrano, don't be afraid to let them put the ball on the ground every now and then.

 

List your own below, I know there are more...

Last week, Benny the Bull was arrested for charging at a police officer, knocking him down, and breaking his glasses and watch.  Two years prior, Da Bull, another Chicago Bulls mascot, was caught and charged with possession.  What people don't realize is that these are not the only mascots that have been arrested or charged with crimes.  Other fan favorites have been in trouble with the law in the past and have managed to get beyond that and continue their support of their teams.

Phillie Phanatic

In August of 2005, the beloved Phillie Phanatic was late at work one night, finishing up so he could get home to his family.  Little did anyone in the organization know, he was a coke addict, often snorting over 1 lb in a single hit.  After getting his fix, the Phanatic went into the locker room where he found then-rookie Ryan Howard.  He went up to the former marching band member, telling him "I have a Trombone you can blow on".  After an altercation ensued, the Phanatic was arrested for disorderly conduct and being under the influence of an illegal substance.  His trial date was deferred as it coincided with Brett Myers', who will testify as a character witness.

San Diego Chicken

Last fall, the San Diego Chicken was stopped as he was walking to the stadium prior to a game.  Police questioned and eventually detained the Chicken overnight as he refused to pay a fine for littering.  Soon after, the charges were dropped as it was determined that the Chicken was actually just molting.

Go

The well-known Phoenix Suns gorilla, who is best recognized for his amazing athletic feats, has been implicated in the Jason Grimsley HGH investigation.    It turns out that he has gained over 80 pounds in the past 2 years and his hat size has increased by 3 full sizes.

Rally Monkey

Many felt that last year's name change of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim was a marketing ploy to increase attendance, but it was due to their mascot, the Rally Monkey.  The Capuchin Monkey gained notoriety in 2002 with the World Series title captured by the Angels over the Giants.  However, the Monkey was later discovered to have influenced games by fixing them, leading to a scandal that needed to be covered up.  The Giants 3-2 lead in the World Series was due in large part to the Rally Monkey's payoff to Jarrod Washburn (9.31 ERA in WS) to give the Angels more profitable odds during Games 6 and 7.  The Rally Monkey recently bought a villa close to the Amazon worth over $2 million, something hard to imagine given his $40,000 annual salary.

Youppi!

Left behind by the Montreal Expos when they moved to D.C., Youppi! has turned to a life of crime with his unemployment.  Before the Expos left, he managed to steal Jose Vidro's health and Zach Day's potential career.  He struck again this year, stealing Livan Hernandez's location and the team's penchant for spending (wait, that one has been missing for years).

Cocky

The University of South Carolina's mascot did the unthinkable.  He was caught during the football season exposing himself on numerous occasions.  Any football fan knows that there is no place in a stadium for a cock to be on display.

Chicago was the sight of President Bush's most recent televised speech, in which he addressed issues including North Korea and nuclear weapons.  It made me wonder who would be our next president, and more importantly, could there ever be a candidate that would make me want to vote?  Instead, I will live in my fantasy world where Jessica Alba is my wife and I work with Dale Earnhardt Jr. (imagine how fast that carpool would go).  Therefore, in this great new world, I present to you the Presidential office of the United States of George (I know, original) who are comprised of sports figures because what country would mess with us if all of our politicians are jacked?

Department of Agriculture

Scottie Pippen

He owns multiple farms in Arkansas and is paid annually not to grow anything.  Who wouldn't want a farmer that is so good at what he does, the government has to pay him to keep from putting other farmers out of business?

Department of Commerce

Alex Smith

His career as a pro quarterback hasn't been going so well, but little do people know that he graduated with a degree in Economics (with a 3.71 GPA) in only 2 years.  As a player who utilized the spread offense, I could see his policies giving money to everyone equally.

Department of Defense

Brooks Robinson

What better choice for the Defense Secretary than the best defensive player of all-time.  Need proof? Look no further than his 16 consecutive Gold Gloves (MLB record).  Robinson is one guy who won't let anything slip through the cracks.

Department of Education

Rich Franklin

The UFC Middleweight Champion is also a former teacher with a master's from the University of Cincinnati.  Corporal punishment would take on a whole new meaning as he has the ability to beat up anyone who forgets to do their homework.

Department of Energy

Vinnie Johnson

"The Microwave" knows all about energy.  He could put points up like no other and his desire was unquestionable.  Johnson would be one of the difference makers in this cabinet, as evident in his game-winning shot in Game 5 of the 1990 NBA Finals.

Department of Health & Human Services

Cal Ripken Jr.

Name me someone who understands the idea of health better than the player who started the most games consecutively?  As for human service, Ripken has developed ALS charities as well as those for underprivileged kids, something that trumps any accomplishment he has had as a player. 

Department of Homeland Security

Ronnie Lott

The man could cover a lot of ground and likes to hit people, so I think he is qualified.  His loyalty can not be questioned either as he played his college and the majority of his pro career in California.  He was even willing to amputate part of his finger just to keep playing; that's a guy I want on my side.

Department of Housing and Urban Development

George Foreman

One of the best sports rags to riches story, Foreman went from mugging people and beating up co-workers to a successful boxer and businessman.  He knows the mean streets and can relate to people better than anyone (remember the Subway commercial with him running through the streets?), making him a good fit for the job.

Department of the Interior

Shaquille O'Neal

Who better to man this spot than the guy who best can handle himself on the inside.  He wants to be a police officer, so he already wants to serve the public.  Plus, Shaq makes for some great sound bites, something that should never be in short supply.

Department of Justice

Steve Young

The Attorney General has to know the law, so why not have in its place an athlete that graduated from law school?  He spoke at the Republican Convention in 2000, so a future in politics is a possibility.  Anything that keeps him away from ESPN and that awful group of commentators is an improvement for me.

Department of Labor

Isiah Thomas

You might be looking at this and asking why, but the answer is simple.  Any guy who pays Eddy Curry over $10 million, Jerome James $6 million, and give Renaldo Balkman a guaranteed 3 year commitment is the guy I want to set the minimum wage.

Department of State

Bud Selig

The Secretary of State is someone you can blame all the bad decisions on.  Until he decides to change the All-Star Game back to its old format, he is getting all the blame for everything.  Steroids, the DH, Inter-league play, global warming, and the sequel to Legally Blonde (why can't 1 girlfriend not want to watch that movie?).

Department of Transportation

Mike Morgan

The former relief pitcher knows a thing or two about travel.  He played for a major-league record 12 teams and in Japan and Zimbabwe as well.  In his time playing, I'm sure he has used buses, airplanes, cars, rickshaws (the guys who pull the carts) and donkeys to get to games.

Department of Veterans Affairs

Roger Staubach

His naval commitment and tour of duty in Vietnam qualifies him for this post.  He gets all the respect of the veterans by keeping his dodging purely on the field.  Staubach's 2 Super Bowl rings demand the respect of everyone else, got it?

Speaker of the House

Terrell Owens

Any job with the word "Speaker" that can be given to an athlete begins and ends with Owens.  Imagine him taking advantage of that forum.  He will stand on the Presidential Seal with his arms raised, do sit-ups as he answers questions regarding the latest bill to pass, and getting into a heated exchange with Ted Kennedy who could be Andy Reid's body double.

Vice President

Jim Kelly

He is used to 2nd place so he can take this position in stride.  With 4 Super Bowl losses, Kelly once again will be put in the shadows for the sake of someone else.  Enough with the Kelly bashing, because I'm a huge fan for his exploits on and off the field.  His charitable endeavors with Krabbe disease shows his ability to take on issues that matter deeply to him, something necessary in my VP.

President

Paul Tagliabue

I picked the one man who would make me want to vote.  His response to September 11th and the fact that there hasn't been a player's strike during his tenure shows his concern with everyone around him.  Tags has helped institute the strictest anti-drug policy in professional sports and established numerous international relationships.  Even his past as a lawyer gives him the credentials necessary to fill the position.  I feel bad for the next commissioner, having to replace the future President and all.

 

Have a different player for a position? Share it with me.

The other day I was sitting at home watching T.V., flipping through the channels.  I hate those horribly written sitcoms and the goofy reality shows where people embarrass themselves for money.  Then, I hit the sports channels, the good reliable sports channels that amuse me daily.  Then I saw what was on them; dominoes, bowling, and poker.  This made me wonder if I was even watching ESPN or Fox Sports because I don't remember any of those filling stadiums or having jerseys in the local Sports Authority.  More and more hours of sports programming are being put into these questionable shows and I'm tired of it.  Why can't football be on?

To help the viewing public, I'm going to dissect these so-called sports and determine once and for all, what is a sport and what isn't.

Dominoes...Not a Sport

If you are able to play without leaving the comfort of your own stoop, then it is not a sport.  Announcers and player profiles does not make it any more competitive or compelling.

Bowling...It's a Sport

Practice makes you better at it and strength and precision play factors in determining the outcome.  However, Pete Weber wears those dumb sunglasses and yells a lot, not helping the credibility of the sport at all.

Sumo Wrestling...Again, Not a Sport

How can I consider this a sport when training consists of eating every single scrap of food in front of you?  Momentum is not a physical skill people and neither is lacking enough shame to wear a diaper into the ring.

UFC and Mixed Martial Arts in general...It's a Sport

ESPN missed the boat on this one and just because they won't show it on SportsCenter doesn't make it any less of a sport.  It's entertaining and strategy plays such a large part in determining a winner.

Poker, Blackjack, and any other card game...Not a Sport

Sitting in a chair that doesn't move pretty much eliminates the possibility of this being a sport.  It pays out like a sport, but when your face is your greatest weakness, it loses its luster.

Boxing...Still a Sport, for now

The many sanctioning bodies are threatening the level of competition and the overall intrigue of boxing.  Unless they start getting some fighters that do more than "grab and jab", they are headed for the equivalent of sporting purgatory.

Fantasy Sports...Sorry guys, Not a Sport

Computers can not be a necessity in a sport, unless it's Gilbert Arenas at halftime.  I know that sweating occurs; especially when you are waiting for your next pick and the guy you want is teetering on the board, but that usually only happens because you are OUT of shape.

Cycling...Definitely a Sport

OLN featured parts of the NHL playoffs in addition to the Tour De France, so it is possible for a sport to be on this network.  No other sport features this level of endurance and it has a face that rivals that of any other in Lance Armstrong, even if he is retired.

Robot Battles...Never will be a Sport

I remember when Comedy Central featured Battle Bots along with South Park on Wednesdays.  Unless you weigh less than 100 pounds or only tuck in half of your collared shirt, this is not a sport.

 

As always, if any one else if frustrated over a sport (or supposed sport), leave a comment