10. Put flaming bags of poop on Raja Bell's doorstep.

9. Bong hits with the Walton family.

8. Go 84-307 from the field in a pickup game against some kids at the YMCA.

7. Run for supervisor in Eagle County, Colorado.

6. Help Karl Malone hunt Mexican girls in the wilderness of Utah.

5. Buy his wife an Escalade made of diamonds.

4. Refuse to pass the ball.

3. Ponder what it's like to be worse than the Clippers.

2. Punch Tex Winter in the junk.

1. Find out once and for all what these things called "assists" are.