John Madden with the telestrator at Gettysburg.  "OK, Lee puts Ewell out wide left, A.P. Hill in the slot.  You got Stuart in motion to set it up.  BOOM!  Pickett right up the middle.  Meade stacks the line.  You got Hunt's guns here, here, and here and Hancock goes head on into them here.  BOOM!  War!  You gotta love this stuff."

Melvin Kiper the First.  "This pick just makes no sense.  Washington is a big guy, a space eater, and the Colonials think they can build around him.  But, on film, this guy looks wooden.  At least his teeth.  Little bit of attitude, got this whole "father of my country" thing going on and that scared some teams off.  My choice would have been Alex "A Train" Hamilton.  I know there are some character questions about him, and he phoned it in at the combine, but this guy can brings it Federalist style.  You've got to have a go to guy with your #1, and it isn't Washington.  This is not a value pick for this position."

The Golf Channel at Ford's Theatre  "Booth coming up to the box for his first shot.  A little breeze blowing left to right.  He's got about a two derringer here with a tricky break up over the seat rest.  Yes!  He's in with an ace.  And there he goes into the gallery with a leap over the balcony." 

Charles Barkley after the Little Big Horn.  "Are you kiddin' me?  Typical white guy.  First time into the hood and Sitting Bull owns his ---.  I said it before the first quarter and I'll say it again.  At this point in the season you have to bring your "A" game on the road.  You saw what happened.  The Cheyenne smacked that stuff back in his face." 

Erin Andrews at Waterloo.    "General, tough loss out there today.  Was it a case of overconfidence and what did you say to the guys afterwards?  ("I am First Consul of France for Life.  Who is this woman?  I was told I would be talking to Bonnie Bernstein.  This is not Bonnie Bernstein.  Monsieur Namath has said the most wonderful things about this Bernstein woman.  I must possess Bonnie Bernstein!  Get this petite pastry out of my sight!")  

Dick Vitale and the Mongol Horde  "Unbelievable!  Nobody is stopping Ghengis Khan tonight!  He's an monster, baby!  You go inside, he comes in and burns your house down.  You go outside, he burns your house down.  I don't think he can take Duke, but after that road win over the Visigoths he's earned alot of respect.  If you had to pick one mid-major to make it through on the road to Rome, this is the man.  Hun, baby, Hun!"

A Baseball Radio Announcer at Hiroshima  "Little flak out there today, but what a great day for a bomb run.  Little bit of rain this morning, but it's cleared up now and the crews are in shirt sleeves.  Bomb bay doors are opening now.  Don, did you see where they are opening the Cocoanut Grove back up?  Back when I first came up we tore that place up.  Just one out the shoot, but it's a big one.  Dropping low and away.  I tell you, gotta love LA.  A little turbulence now, looks like some clouds building up below.  Well, one cloud at least, but it's a big one.  Everything's bigger in the Pacific.  Kind of like Texas with an ocean.  Banking hard away now.  Must be a milk run.  Wish you were here.  Got this one cloud, must be 40,000 feet.  Really relaxes you just to ride along above the clouds.  This one time in Texas.  Well, we'll get to that when we come back after this word from Aqua Velva."

Nike at Kitty Hawk   "I'm just saying, a swoosh on the side will make all the differences.  Let me see, oh yeah Marketing was wondering if Orv could pick up some sand and throw it into the air just before takeoff.  It'll be beautiful in black and white.  I know it's windy, but you guys have to work with me.  We're going urban gangsta and you guys show up in black suits and bowler hats.  The Blues Brothers has been done already, guys.  One last thing, the "G" has to go from the engine cowling.  You can defy gravity and you have trouble with the concept of "exclusive"?  Work with me boys, work with me.  I don't care if you are from a secondary market in Ohio.  We can make you stars!

Bob Costas and Tim McCarver during the Moon Landing.   "The year was 1956.  Mickey Charles Mantle.  Fresh from a little town in Oklahoma."   ("It reminds me of the time I went out to the mound in the 4th inning.  You'll love this.  And Gibson tells me he's going to tie me to his car and drag me through Watts if I ever come to the mound again before the 8th, and..")   "Who would have thought that one day little boys who grew up, as we all did, worshipping Mickey Mantle would...What are these guys doing again?  ("I don't know, something about space.  Speaking of space, did I ever tell you about the time Lou Brock brought a space heater into the clubhouse and set fire to Orlando Cepeda's locker?).

Jim Rome during the Chicago Fire.  "This ones from Imma Cow in ChiTown.  Rome, I must be Michael Jordan because I'm burning down Chicago.  Dude.        Get over it.           Have a take.     It's a cow.       It's a fire.        One city.        Some bovine Nero wannabe torches a city and you want to compare that to the Johnstown Flood.             Not happening, bro.      Go back to the rack.       Light up another in C town.      Chill.      NO MORE LYNARD SKYNERD JOKES.      What's that smell?        Brilliant."

Chris Berman during John Glenn's launch.   "John, the Inglennerator, is set to go.   Elton John "Rocketman" Glenn standing by.  Porta John Glenn ready to ride.  He's up there.  AND HE COULD GO....................ALL..............THE..................WAY!"

April is for thinking random thoughts.

For example, why do we still have an extra point attempt in the NFL? 

About once every three weeks during the season two things happen.  First, someone misses an extra point.  Then an announcer very seriously intones "That may come back to haunt them" and implies that some mystical power angered by the missed extra point is going to smite the team which has made this unpardonable error.

Doesn't happen.

There were only five missed extra points last season and only two had any possible influence on the outcome.  It both cases the miss (by Matt Bryant of Tampa Bay and Jason Hannon of Detroit) put their team in a position of having to go for a two if they scored late in the game.  Neither team did.

For this we stop action?  For this we waste five to eight minutes a game?  That might not sound like much, but increasingly games are going past the three hour mark as the passing game brings more frequent time stoppages for incomplete passes.

Do away with the extra point?

What about the drama of the possible two point attempt?  The chance to stretch for a tie late in the game? 

Glad you asked.  If the two point conversion is exciting, a "real" scrimmage play as opposed the single extra point attempt which is as exciting as someone clearing their throat, then make all extra point attempts scrimmage plays.  Let the extra point become a real roll of the dice.

Coaches would hate it.  The guys with headsets detest unpredictability and the scrimmage extra point would make every game an adventure.  The rules committee would never sign off on it.

Using the 2 pointer to catch up?  We could still do that.  Just make the line of scrimmage for a two pointer the twenty yard line instead of the three.

Which brings us back to where we started.  Just let the extra point go.  If you buy the theory of evolution (hey, if you call now we'll even throw in a free global warming tote bag) the NFL should be capable of dropping the extra point like a dorsal fin it no longer uses.

Gotta run.  The draft just started.

Two words for you.

Aaron Curry.

Why don't we take away a scholarship for each player who leaves college early and turns pro?  Think of it as a salary cap on the big programs.  There ought to be some penalty when a program uses a scholarship for a student who, in reality, isn't a student and doesn't intend to graduate.

Why didn't the Yankees realize they were building a giant wind tunnel?  If the concourses being so wide is causing balls to fly out to right field, how did nobody notice?  Then again, these are the same guys who gave Alex Rodriquez $250 million.

Why doesn't the NBA clarify the traveling rule so fans will know what is and isn't?  And if it doesn't apply to SOME players why doesn't David Stern just put out a list?  Or let Nike do it.  They run basketball.

Why don't NBA announcers give the LeBron James love fest a rest.  Of course he's great.  Just not THAT great.   And why don't more people comment on the fact that James gives up the best parts of his game by living on the perimeter.  He has the body of George McGinnis and hangs out twenty-five feet away from the basket.  What's up with that?

Why did Michigan force Lloyd Carr out again?  And what part of Rich Rodriquez is the genius part?  Is it the portion of his brain that's trying to recruit a basketball player who hasn't played in four years to be his quarterback?  I haven't seen that much desparation since the last time they interviewed the Republican National Committee chairman.

Why a DH?  If the reason for it was anemic offense back in the late 60's, what possible excuse is there for it now?  Get rid of it, but leave an exception in case Ron Blomberg wants to make a comeback.

Why hasn't someone come up with an Americanized version of soccer with a smaller field, fewer players, and games that don't end up one to "nil"?

Why can't Jerry Jones just get out of the way and let the professionals run his team?  And why (other than monumental ego) did he not calculate the difference between the value of Roy Williams and any reasonably good first round wide receiver in the draft?

Why Keith Olbermann?  If we have to go hard left with NFL announcers, isn't the little dude from North Korea available?

Why doesn't someone tell Chris Berman that nobody, and I mean nobody, cares for the nicknames?  I was watching a rerun of last year's home run hitting contest and he must Albert Pujols "Winnie the Pujols" at least ten times.  Not funny, not necessary, not interesting.

Why does Chipper Jones stay hurt all the time?

Why did the Astros extend Cecil Cooper's contract?  Don't the fans count?  Is there some secret group of Houston fans out there who were saying, "We have to have Cooper.  He's our ticket to that 80 win season we've been dreaming of"?

Why doesn't NASCAR have one race a year where they go in the opposite direction?  If nothing else it would freak out everybody who hadn't heard about it in advance.  "Quick, Maggie, adjust the set.  It's all backwards."

Why the headband?  If the image you are shooting for is urban cool, why wear something that makes you look like Olivia-Newton John on an excercise video?

Why this blog?  Nothing good on TV.

I don't drink or play golf.

Which explains why I had never heard of the Arnold Palmer.  Oh, I've heard of THE Arnold Palmer.  He's the nice guy in the motor oil commercials.  But I had not heard of the drink named after him.

A relatively simple mixture of iced tea and lemonade.  And close to heaven on earth in a glass on a hot day, which is what I'd run into in Baltimore where I first sampled it.  Some people put vodka in it.  Then again, those folks probably put vodka in orange juice, coca cola, and Hawaiian punch (you just know somebody is reading the Hawaiian punch part and going, "Wait a minute!").

My own experience with vodka is limited.  In a dimly lit bar in Memphis I once picked up my ice tea and took a nice long gulp.  It was somebody's vodka.  My initial reaction was I had swallowed paint thinner.  My second reaction was that my sinuses were now more open than they had ever been.

But I digress.

I think we should name more drinks after athletes.  Here are a few suggestions:

The Alex Rodriquez.  Two of these and Madonna starts looking good to you.  Three and you move to Malawi and allow her to adopt you.

Make mine a Joe Girardi.  You keep raising your right hand to the bartender and praying the night will end.

The Jay Cutler.  One of these and you'll be sitting at the bar explaining to anyone who will listen that you're not appreciated at home, your boss is a jerk, and you deserve better.  Then you wake up in Chicago and don't know how you got there.

Calipari Punch.  Life seems good, then you have three of these and wake up next to Josh Pastner.

The Rick Pitino.   You're out having a few of these with friends.  Two days later you start getting calls from a woman you hardly know saying the most dreadful things.

The Tiger Woods.   Sure it's pretty bland, but have you tried a Phil Mickelson? 

An Allen Iverson.  It comes in a tiny little glass, but just one of these can break up a happy home.  They won't even serve this one in Detroit anymore.

An NHL.  More ice than any other drink.  But no matter how you mix the ingredients you can't get a buzz from it.

The John Madden.  One of the few mixed drinks served in a tall beer glass.  After one of these you won't be able to fly again.  Ever.

A Keith Olbermann.   Even one of these is too many.  The next morning you'll wake up to find answering machine messages from yourself saying how great you were the night before.  And you'll believe it.

The Chien Ming Wang  Drink one of these, get bombed, go home early.

The NBA.   After one of these you'll wake up covered in tattoos and be unable to walk.

Cheers!











 

Joe Girardi is a thoroughly modern manager.

He manages his pitching staff like the pharaohs worked the guys who built the pyramids.  Wave after wave of workers pushing on to the ultimate goal.

Get to Mariano Rivera.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Getting the ball into Rivera's hands is a good way to leave the field with a win. 

It's what goes on into between that drives you nuts.

The other night New York had a 4-3 lead going into the last of the 7th with Joba Chamberlain.  He had thrown 88 pitches through 6, gave up just four hits and walked one. 

So naturally, he had to come out.

The Yankees have convinced themselves Chamberlain is like your teenage daughter.  She must not date until she's at least 30 and Chamberlain must not see the 7th inning before he reaches the same age.

The sad truth is you can't prevent Chamberlain's arm from developing problems down the road anymore than you can keep your daughter away from guys you disapprove above.  Pitch him five innings or eight, it makes no difference.  He has a violent arm motion and is throwing off the insane nine inch mound major league baseball mandated because they wanted the game to more closely resemble pinball.

Out comes Chamberlain, enter Brian Bruney.  He throws hard and has a ridiculous looking goatee.  Obviously he must be an ace reliever.  And, for one inning, he is.

Then he leaves with a 4-3 lead.

Not  because he was ineffective.  Just because.

Because the "book" says relievers only throw one inning.  Plus, you'll need him fifty or sixty more times the rest of the season.  (Because the rest of the bullpen also can only throw one inning at a time).

Now we are in the 8th inning.  Like Ulysses we have labored mightily and can almost see home.

Maybe not.

The 8th inning begins with Damaso Marte.  And a fine fellow he is.  Former closer with the Pirates, a solid reliever.  Kind of like, I don't know, Brian Bruney.  But he throws left handed.

So naturally he can't be permitted to pitch to Billy Butler, a right handed pinch hitter.  It's in the book.  "You shall not allow a left hander to face a right hander after the 6th inning."

OK, fine.  A call is placed by the Pharoah to summon Jose Veras, of whom it can truly be said "of all the pitchers in the Yankee bullpen he's another one."

Veras walks Butler.

Now you might be thinking to yourself that dialing Mariano Rivera's number would be a good way to get out of the inning.

Au contraire.

The modern manager eschews such strategy.  (And even uses words like eschews).  No, the closer is a fine wine which must be served only at the beginning of an inning.  The ninth inning.

Call for Philip Coke.  Mr. Phillip Coke.  Your table is ready.

So in comes a veteran of fourteen major league games.  He promptly does what owners of 9.82 ERA's do, namely give up a hit.  A run scoring double to Branyon Pena.  Then a run scoring single to the legend that is Alberto Callaspo.  And then the coup de grace, a double to John Buck.

Be didn't Coke look great closing out the inning striking out Willie Bloomquist?

Insanity.

Bruney could have be ridden another inning.  Marte could have finished the 8th.  Rivera could have stopped the bleeding.

But no.  Better to race out of the gate to a 4-4 start than try and win games in April.  Better to lose games you can't get back.

Better to be the thoroughly modern manager.