The Chicago Cubs today announced they have granted an unconditional release to their fans.  The move was made Saturday after the Chicago 3-0 playoff series loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers.

A spokesman for the team said the Cubs inability to reach the World Series has nothing to do with the organization.  "We constantly change out players, but the fans remain.  It's the fans.  It's always been the fans.  We've skated around this, tried to blame it on a goat, even used the lovable loser image to our advantage in seasons we put bad product on the field.  The bottom line is, our fans are cursed, not the Cubs.  Put this team in any other town, with any other group of fans, and we're a lock to win it all."

Historians, psychologists, writers, and bartenders have been studying the so-called curse for the team since last October.  Their conclusion-losing clings to Cub fans like the smell of flat beer.

It's historical.  The name Chicago is a French pronunciation of the Native-American name, Shikaakwa, which literally means "striped skunk".  Chicago has endured a massacre of early settlers, a cow attempting to burn the town down, the Haymarket Riots, Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, and the Daley family.  Researchers strongly believe the first nuclear reaction on US soil in 1942 was an attempt by Cubs fan Enrico Fermi to blow up Wrigley Field.

The Cubs move carries little risk.  TV revenue is so great the team would make enormous profits even with no fans in the stands.  Sales of Ron Santo Cubs jerseys this season alone were greater than the gate receipts of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The team hopes to gradually replace old fans with younger, wealthier, new fans.  "Our demographic surveys show the typical Cub fan is a 37 year old white male with a beer gut who hasn't shaved in four days", said a marketing director with the team.  "We can and will do better.  The Yankees model of driving up ticket prices to a level where only yuppie business executives can afford to attend is one we hope to emulate." 

Season ticket renewal requests will not be honored next season, with only new applications being filled.  Game day ticket sales will be screened to ensure existing Cubs fans are stopped at the gate.  Ushers dressed as Steve Bartman will stand at ticket booths, and only fans who don't attack them will be allowed in.  In addition, beer sales will be banned in June, July, and August which should keep 97% of Cub fans away.

Wa Samata Yu, a psychologist employed by the team, believes getting rid of the existing fan base is essential for the team to make the World Series.  "Expectation is a powerful thing.  Cub fans expect to lose and communicate this to the team.  Talk about a curse enough and it becomes real in the mind.  Anyone who has watched Andy Griffith reruns knows this.  Unfortunately, Lou Pinella, is no Sheriff Taylor and Chicagoans are much more gullible than the residents of Mayberry."

Ozzie Guillen, manager of the crosstown WhiteSox, said he was sorry there would not be a Cubs-WhiteSox World Series matchup.  He welcomed the waived Cubs fans to try out to become WhiteSox supporters, but said he would make no promises.  "Some of these people, they say things without thinking."

So ends another season of disappointment in Chicago.  In a world turned upside down, it is comforting to know some things will never change.