Somebody needs to cover this and the NFL is no help at all.

Every week we see players strut for no apparent reason.  And it's getting embarrassing.

But think about it from the player's point of view.  You are new to the league.  The coaching staff hasn't covered strutting.  Your team mates taped you to a goal post in training camp.  Officials don't signal a strutting opportunity.  You have split seconds on national TV to make up your mind.

To dance or not to dance, that is the question.

As a public service, here are some guidelines.

A two yard loss on first down in the first quarter.

No strut.  As a general rule, strutting in the first quarter or even on an early down is not considered socially acceptable.  It would be like going to a party and hitting on the host's wife within a minute of arriving.  

Taking down a 30 year old running back behind the line of scrimmage, a.k.a. the "Eddie George" rule.

Who can forget Eddie George's one season with Dallas.  He was so slow he would pack lunch before heading for the line of scrimmage.  Yet tacklers persisted in jumping up after stumbling onto him three yards behind the line, acting like they just brought down LaDainian Tomlinson on fourth and goal at the one.

Third down.

A change of possession is generally a cause for celebration, but only on a solo tackle.  You must always take care not to claim another man's strut.  This can also result in a two man strut which, from a distance, may appear to be two large men dancing together.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Any play by a nose tackle.

The purpose of a nose tackle is to occupy as much space as possible and hopefully create an obstacle runners will stumble over.  In that sense, a nose tackle is much like lawn furniture with numbers painted on it.  Since most plays by nose tackles are accidents, they should not strut for aesthetic reasons.

On a more practical note, the hideous physical state of most nose tackles provides a medical reason to avoid strutting.  If a nose tackle struts, large amounts of gelatinous body tissue can begin moving in waves, resulting in a strange oscillating effect which may cause a sports hernia.

Ex-post burnous.

Once a defensive back has been burned for a long touchdown, it is no longer acceptable for him to strut, regardless of what he subsequently achieves during the game.  Just as it would not do for a receiver to pull a packet of mustard out, spread it on the ball and offer to feed it to the cornerback after a deep pass, neither would it be appropriate for the defender to subsequently employ a strut.

A vicious hit to a player in an exposed position.

Almost always appropriate.  Twenty years ago it would be considered bad manners to rejoice after making another player taste his own spleen.  But what were once vices are now habits, and not strutting while the player lies on the field trying to remember his own name would show disrespect for our current social conventions. 

Except when the other player is badly injured.

In which case the defensive player should not be seen on the sidelines texting his agent to post the video on YouTube.

White players.

There is no reason white running backs and wide receivers cannot strut.

Quarterbacks and kickers.

Players with the upper body strength of a Hilton sister should avoid strutting at all cost, as the logical response by defensive players will be to inflict grievous bodily harm.  Kickers may, on game winning kicks only, pump their arms in jubilation, but for no more than 2.4 seconds.

Coaches may not strut.

The one exception to the rule is Bill Belichick, who struts while inhaling and on days of the week ending in the letter "Y".  However, it is hoped he will be cured on this affliction now that Tom Brady is not on the field on Sundays in Foxboro.

Referees may strut.

This is the Ed Hoculi exemption.  It makes about as much sense as blowing your whistle during an obvious fumble late in a key division game.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...

And finally, the one strutting rule that, if violated will result in a lifetime ban.

The long snapper must never, ever, strut.  This will result in immediate expulsion from the NFL.  Since most long snappers are only one waiver transaction removed from restocking vending machines for a living, there has never been a need for this rule to be enforced.

The preceding has been brought to you by the Terrell Owens Center For The Advancement of Social Graces.