Sports crime has become too predictable.

Rape, robbery, drugs, vandalism, disturbing the piece, gambling, firearms possession, patronizing prostitutes, and the occasional gun fight. And murder.

And that's just what we hear about.

So I propose we recruit a better class of criminal. Bring in some of the big names in sports and, for crying out loud, come up with something new in the way of sports crimes.

I would like to see:

Tony Romo arrested for stalking Jessica Simpson. Then as he's being lead away I hope the police hear him say he thought he was at Carrie Underwood's house.

Arnold Palmer going down for a massive conspiracy to sell watered down Pennzoil.

Wouldn't it be neat to learn that Wayne Gretzky was the head of organized crime in Canada?

Or to see John Madden taken away in cuffs after settling an old score by beating up Al Michaels with a turducken?

The new Yankee Stadium torched after the Steinbrenner family becomes engaged in a feud among organized crime families to control garbage delivery in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Every NBA referee from the 1990's is indicted for conspiring to allow Michael Jordan to travel EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL. Bitter? Me? No, why do you ask?

A few years down the road, Brett Favre arrested for taking a nurse hostage while trying to break out of a retirement home.

I want the head on Barry Bonds booking photo to not fit onto his mug shot. And for that to be introduced as evidence against him.

If at all possible I'd like to see Coach K on a convenience store video tape knocking over a 7-11.

Any kind of crime involving Charles Barkley dressed as a woman.

Annika Sorenstam arrested by the Department of Homeland Security in possession of a thermonuclear device.

David Beckham being stopped by cops in a small town in Alabama and repeatedly tazed after they knock out one of his head lights during a traffic stop. "You ain't from around here are you, boy?"

I want the University of Michigan to fire Rich Rodriquez after finding a still in his basement.

In a repeat of the famous typhoon scene in "The Caine Mutiny" the entire Navy football team court marshaled for staging a mutiny during the Wake Forest football game after trailing 17-5 at half time.

Scott Boras arrested as a pimp.

Charlie Weis in handcuffs after being caught as a wheel man in connection with a series of armed robberies committed by Lou Holtz (who is caught wearing a Steve Spurrier mask).

Bill Belichick booked as a peeping Tom. His accomplice, Roger Goodale, is found in possession of incriminating videos of their late night escapades.

And finally, I'd like to see O.J. Simpson repeat his famous slow speed car chase. On a Zamboni.