What to do about Katie.

Why not sports?

CBS News has tried everything to get someone, anyone, to watch the CBS Evening News With Katie Couric. Nothing works. Which raises the question-Would you continue to watch the NFL if Katie was doing play-by-play? Or sitting between Howie and Terry before the games?

This is why football is America's #1 sport. Some are saying basketball is becoming the world's (and America's game) but I doubt Mr. Naismith's game could survive Katie. The NFL and college football could. It wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't be fun, but we'd still watch football. With the sound off, but that's just common sense.

Flip side. Couric joins the NBA and I'm out of here. Couric replaces Dick Vitale? I don't care if it's Duke and Carolina undefeated with Roy WIlliams promising to donate body parts to science with no anesthesia on live TV if they lose. I would not watch her in a bar. I would not listen in a car. I would not watch her on TV. I would not watch her, watch and see. (Oh wow, man, the Seuss flashbacks are starting again).

I would, however, watch Couric paired in the studio with Charles Barkley. You can just see the disgusted look on Sir Charles' face. "Phoenix? You think Phoenix is going to shut down Duncan? You have to be out of your mind." ($50 says he's make her cry). It's one thing to interview the leader of Hamas, quite another to face down the big guy.

Baseball might survive Her Royal Perkiness (HRP). Nobody really listens to the announcers on TV games. It is a very relaxing sport and the voices of the announcers are just mild background noise. They could be saying anything.

For example:

"That one's just a little outside to Jeter. 2-2. Say, did you ever figure out who the blonde was in your room this morning? That one's a little high. 3-2. I've haven't seen that much white powder in one place since they hired those kids from State College to line the bases, that's a bouncer to Renteria, 6-4, two down and Abreu coming up."

There might actually be a place in baseball for Couric. I'm thinking the hamster wheel contests between innings of minor league games. Doing the evening news? Dullsville. Heels over head in a plastic bubble? That I would watch.

CBS should actually consider trading her to the Versus Network to do NHL games. She could be there right now for all we know. How would anyone find out? You wouldn't know she was missing from CBS because nobody is watching. You wouldn't know she was doing NHL games for the same reason. If an anchor falls in the forest and nobody is watching, would it make a sound?

Soccer could work, but only if she learns Spanish and goes on Univision. NASCAR is probably not an option, but the interview with Tony Stewart would be interesting. The Pro Bowler's Tour? That might actually work.

The moral of the story? Count your blessings. As bad as sports announcers are, they aren't network news anchors. So here's to you Skip, Charles, Dick, Howie, and Tim. You aren't much, but you sure beat the alternative.