What's happening in the world of sports?

Herschel Walker has multiple personalities. The startling revelation came in an announcement that he was donating one to New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin, a victim of a rare genetic disorder that caused him to be born without a discernible personality.

Late breaking news just in. Giants quarterback Eli Manning was rushed to a Green Bay, Wisconsin hospital today after his chocolate milk mustache froze during an afternoon practice session. Doctors chipped away the mustache, and also managed to revive a frozen monkey Manning was carrying on his back. The monkey, named Phillip Rivers Jr., is reportedly resting comfortably at Vince Lombardi Memorial Hospital.

The commissioner of baseball today voided a deal between the Baltimore Orioles and Houston Astros which would have sent three crack addicts, two steroid users, and an unassembled meth lab to the Astros for all-star first baseman Lance Berkman and the two remaining minor league pitching prospects in the Houston system.

Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "The Orioles trading Tejeda the day before the Mitchell Report was kind of funny, but this was just sad." Astros owner Drayton McLane was quoted as saying, "I had no idea. They seemed like nice young men, and I thought those parts were for a new cappuccino machine."

In a spontaneous outburst of emotion after their 82-80 upset win over North Carolina, Maryland players began singing "Maryland, My Maryland" the official state song. Eyebrows were raised when the team reached the climatic verse, which includes the line "Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!"

On a sad note, announcer Brent Musberger was admitted to a Chapel Hill hospital after the game. Musberger suffers from a rare form of Tourette's syndrome in which the sufferer blurts out the word "deuce" as many as seventy-five times an hour for no apparent reason. His partner, Steve Lavin, was willing to comment to reporters but was totally unintelligible.

NASCAR continues to broaden it's appeal with additional Jimmie Hendrix themed commercials for the upcoming season. The next will feature "Crosstown Traffic" ('Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you've had your fun'.) Plans to film David Ragan's car flipping upside down and catching flames to the tune of "If 6 Was 9" are on hold due to insurance problems. But Jeff Gordon is said to be "intrigued" by a series of commercials titled, "And The Wind Cries Gordon".

Penn State University officials will meet this week to discuss the future of coach Joe Paterno. Among the options under consideration is a movie deal that would pair Paterno and Bobby Bowden of Florida State in a remake of "Grumpy Old Men".

Roger Clemens has produced witnesses who will testify he did not have an abscess on his buttocks during 1998.

Golf Channel announcer Kelly Tilghman today insisted that while she suggested Tiger Woods be "taken into a back alley and lynched", she could not be branded a racist since she also has advocated throwing Phil Mickelson into a shark tank and feeding Ernie Els into a wood chipper.

And finally, the Miami Heat.