Not since Americans huddled by their radios and listened to Edward R. Murrow describe the London blitz has there been an event this big not covered live on television. We refer of course to tonight's Dallas Cowboy-Green Bay Packer game, available only on the NFL Network.

The inability of most fans to see this match up has caused some resentment of the NFL and Cable TV service providers, both previously much beloved in this country. Here to answer questions about the controversy is NFL finance committee chairman, C. Montgomery Burns.



(Dudski) Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to explain the league's position.

(Burns) Well, it does take time away from my charity work with the less fortunate. (Sinister laughter). In my case, that would be just about everybody.

(Dudski) Let's move quickly to the recent controversy. Tonight's Cowboys-Packers game. Not available to much of your loyal audience.

(Burns) You say loyal audience and you see an image of hard working men and women who have supported our league through good times and bad and made us what we are today. Nonsense! I hear those words and see slack jawed cretins drooling for more of whatever mind numbing gruel we serve up. The sort of people who pay full price for exhibition games.



(Dudski) But not many of them are willing to purchase access to the NFL Network from their cable providers.

(Burns) That's because our business model is flawed. Our product is available through too many outlets. You miss a game, there's another one coming along any minute now on some other channel of that video box thing. But once we establish the NFL Network we will be able to gradually move all of our product to an outlet WE control. Then, if Joe Average won't pay our price, we turn off the tap.

(Dudski) I'm not following you. Are you talking about beer?

(Burns) You dolt, it's an analogy. Try to keep up. Are you a grade school dropout or on air talent at ESPN?

(Dudski) I have a blog at FOX.

(Burns) Oh, those people. Howie, Terry, Jimmy, and Curt. It's like one long, icy, swim through the shallow end of the gene pool. Except for Jimmy. His hair is perfect. I'm thinking of buying it.

But to answer your question, no, we will never stop selling beer.

There is a school of thought. Mine, actually, that says we should just turn on the lights, bring in the cheerleaders, and sell beer to 60,000 people each Sunday without the game. Whatever marginal loss we have in attendance would be offset by reductions in player salaries. We've done some market research and many of the fans we surveyed would still show up.



We're currently testing names for this concept, just in case the ingrates who play in the NFL ever figure out that partially guaranteed contracts are like the word of that young Simpson lad and go on strike. Totally meaningless. Eat my shorts, indeed. We're thinking of calling it "Hooters".

(Dudski) I think someone is already using that.

(Burns) Curses. TGI Sundays?

(Dudski) Might be a problem.

(Burns) Epplebees?

(Dudski) Look, we're a little short on time here. The game is about to start and I'd like to login to FOX Sports and follow the game on the internet so....

(Burns) Inter what?

(Dudski) The internet. You can follow the game in progress, get play by play, stats, up to the minute information on injuries, photos of game action.

(Burns) Goodness, how much are we charging for that?

(Dudski) It's free, actually.

(Burns) You will not use that word in my presence! Smithers! Smithers!

(Smithers) Yes, Mr. Burns?

(Burns) See this "gentleman" out. He has insulted my belief system.

(Smithers) But, sir, you have no core values. You sold personal seat licenses to the Carolina Panthers, threatened to move the Bills to Toronto, let a steroid abuser play in the Pro Bowl, looked the other way while a drunken mob tired to intimidate women at the Jets game into lifting their shirts, charge $15 for a parking space as far from the stadium as man is from walking on the surface of Mars, and lectured athletes on morality while letting badly injured retired players scrape by on a pittance. And I won't even go into what you did with Jessica Simpson behind the United Way kettle at that game last season....

(Burns) I don't want to hear it. Let loose the hounds!

(Smithers) But, sir!

(Burns) You heard me, let loose the hounds!

(Dudski) I'll let myself out.