ACC football fans are not of hearty stock. We don't do well with extremes in temperature. At the first Wake Forest game this season the mercury hit the low 90's with humidity previously known only to tropical forests. Women swooned, men became dehydrated, and bottled water ran out in the third quarter.

Tonight, the Demon Deacons closed their home schedule somewhere in the upper forties, which felt like the twenties every time a gust of wind came along. And they beat NC State 38-18 in the first annual "What? I Didn't See Any Pass Interference" Bowl.

Now, those of you who sat through the dismal Michigan-Ohio State game (and, by the way, isn't good supposed to triumph over evil, what's up with that?) are probably calling us Southerners wimps. That's fine. You tried that 144 years ago and we felt compelled to come as far north as Pennsylvania and shoot large numbers of you before leisurely retiring to our home territory (at least that's how WE tell it).

So here is what I learned in my first season with Wake Forest football:

Pearls go with everything. Wake is a rather well endowed school and so are many of the female alumni. They come semi-willingly to the games with their golfing attired husbands looking like hot versions of Donna Reed. The women that is. Let me make that very clear. There are NO cross dressing male alumni in the stands at the Wake games. But it's sometimes hard to tell, and I could be wrong.

There was a young man who sat to my left tonight repeatedly spitting into a large puddle he created, but that's a different story for another time. I think his name was Pavlov.

Offense is highly over rated. Wake Forest's scoring is generated by long interception returns and longer kickoff and punt returns. The quarterback, Riley Skinner, is mainly ornamental. If he turns the ball over no more than twice a game they can beat any team in the country, unfortunately sometimes including themselves.

Jim Grobe is a great coach and a nice guy. Obviously he'll never amount to anything in his chosen profession. When there are sleazy low lifes getting 10 year contracts and space program money for coaching which amounts to recruiting players who can't spell SAT, it's obvious Grobe just doesn't get. Poor fellow.

The best bands are the ones in the stands. Wake Forest has a great marching band that you can never quite hear at halftime. The visiting pep bands are more fun to listen to. The NC State pep band played their horn sections off tonight and dressed like real college students. Let's all lift a glass of whatever they are probably having too many of to their honor.

FAA rules do not apply to stadium flyovers just before the National Anthem. Before the Wake-Army game two F-15's flew over low enough take photos of the cheerleaders, which I suspect was the point all along. Unfortunately, they were under developed. The pictures, that is.

Dante's Inferno is real. It exists wherever inadequate non-permit parking exists near a major college stadium. "Abandon Hope Ye Who Enter In" (or exit out).

Everything is better as a call and response. Shouting "Wake" to your companions across the field and hearing them respond "Forest" is inspirational. It is a useful cheer, and can also be switched to "Wake" and "Up" when the Deacons have the ball on offense.

OK, the Wake Forest offense isn't really that bad. It's just that Wake has the best defense in the country and could conceivably beat any team in the country on any given Saturday. They won't get that chance, but they will get a nice consolation bowl trip to finish the year, if they can get past the Commodores (the Vanderbilt football team, not the singing group).

A few quick points:

The stadium hot dog is not your friend.

The guy who is yelling all that great advice to the coach is probably not ever going to be one.

Those big checks somebody is always donating at halftime are not real checks.

Hamster ball races are not legitimate sporting events and exist outside all rules and
normal sporting conventions. It cries out for regulation.

If a woman is giving you a come hither look from a few rows away, she probably has a
large, thick necked friend who is sitting a few rows back of you.

Go Deacs!