From across the nation and around the globe and down by the left field foul line it's "Tuesday Night and I Can't Think of Anything to Write Night".

After bouncing off the outfield wall, and passing completely through the cranium of outfielder Corey Hart, a baseball emerges from his ear. Hart was uninjured but has repeatedly sung "I Wear My Sun Glasses At Night" at inappropriate times since the incident.

After the game Grudzeliniak told reporters, "Of course I knew I was supposed to catch the ball. But did you see those shoes? Those shoes, those shoes were perfect."

The Florida Marlins today announced they had cut outfielder Brett Carroll after he once again defied team management by screaming "Grenade!" and leaping on a fly ball.

Ironically, after the game both Cabrera and Richar accused each other of talking out their posteriors.

After closing with an emotional rendition of the Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin", Biggio and Lee brought the house down with their encore performance of Sam and Dave's "I'm A Soul Man".

In a picture taken in 2014, Notre Dame football fans change a sign showing the length of the team's epic losing streak. In a related story, local night watchman Jimmy Clausen announced he will attempt a comeback with the minor league Joliet Thunder Chickens.

Arroyo, who said he would gladly be changed into a dog if he did not win 15 games with the Reds this year refused to respond to reporter's questions other than to lift his leg and commit an extremely rude act.

Although impressive, Tejeda's ability to fly could only be sustained at heights of no more than 18 inches and the propulsion system made it appear that he was wearing water baloons in his pants.

Spears' representatives said the stadium was, "Like, really, really, really, big" and the crowd for the first stop on her comeback tour was actually much larger than seen in photos.

In a casting decision one critic termed "unfortunate" Placido Palanco as Maria sings "I Feel Pretty" while umpire Dale Halibutt as Officer Krupke and Toronto's Gregg Zaun as Tony look on. Veteran announcer and critic Skip Carey derided the performance as "derivative" and an "injustice to a culturally significant musical."

And finally, the New York Yankees observe a moment of silence after learning that Paris Hilton was no longer considered "hot".