When The Assignment came in, I was working on an article previewing the movie "Glory Road", the much-anticipated dramatization of the Texas Western-Kentucky 1966 title game, and as is my dangerous habit, it got me to thinking...yes, about a Top 10 list.

I decided to include my extended Posse in deliberations, after all, a Top 10 list of sports movies seemed kind of played out. It is my strong sense of civic duty to you the readers, and the FOX judges, I must highlight the athletic thespians that have made seismic impacts on our collective funny bones. Failing that, they should have at least inflicted some significant damage on our GI tracts.

This special Top 10 salutes those actor-athletes (by the way, which term is more phony, student-athlete or actor-athlete?) that have impacted the big and/or small screen the most, for better or for worse. They have affected my life. In fact, tears are welling already...

Shall we begin?

1. Lawrence Taylor - LT had a nice turn in "Any Given Sunday". But it was his classic timing in "The Waterboy" that will linger like an unwashed jockstrap. To set the scene, poor LT was caught on camera being arrested for attempting to buy some crack from an undercover officer ("They set me up like-a-Mutha...!"), just a week before "The Waterboy" opened in theaters.

So what is LTs sage counsel to a group of kids after they hear Bobby Bouche's mumblemouthed advice on football?

"Kids, stay away from crack."

That was reason enough to see it in a theater.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger - I was going to leave him off (for the steroid violations or out of gratitude for the "Terminator" flicks and "Eraser", I'm not sure), but I then remembered "Batman and Robin".

It wasn't bad enough that this movie went straight camp - without Adam West. It wasn't enough that we had to endure erect Bat-nipples on the costumes. It was the ordeal of prolonged dialogue from the cool, cruel, Mr. Freeze.

Like my friend Linda Harris said after seeing it, "Arnold's effectiveness drops in inverse proportion to the number of speaking lines he gets."

A large number of Californian voters have come to agree with her.

   

3. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - Obviously "Airplane!" is a slam dunk (or sky hook). His speech to Little Joey (by the way, did he ever see a grown man naked?) has resonated with sports fans like nothing since the Lou Gehrig speech. It's the Gettysburg Address of Sports.

 "Look, I'm out there bustin' my butt EVERY NIGHT! You tell your dad to drag Lanier and Walton up and down the floor..."

But I digress. The deal closer is his fly tour de force in "Game of Death", Bruce Lee's last movie. The final confrontation has provided inspiration for thousands of video games ever since. Bruce ascends through this house, floor by floor, dropping some deadly Jeet Kune Do on ever-tougher opponents. He finally steps to Kareem on the top floor, chillin' silently in an EZ-Lounge.

In a dashiki, shorts, shades, and an Afro and sideburns the size of a small planet.

(I'm serious about the Afro. If you look closely, you can see Calvin Murphy trapped in low orbit around his head.)

Bruce rolls up in all of his 5'4" cockiness in the trademark yellow sweat suit that Uma Thurman rocked in "Kill Bill, Vol. 1". Kareem never got up. All I saw was a leg whip out. BLAM! Bruce goes flying. Gets up with a size 17 footprint in his chest.

Who cares that Bruce eventually takes him down (after getting bounced off the floor, ceiling, and a diaper dumpster)? Sort of puts Shaq to shame doesn't it?

This reminds me:

4. Shaq - I am proud to say that I saw neither "Kazaam" nor "Steel" in the theater. If Shaq had done "Kazaam" 10 years earlier, I would accuse him of setting The Cause back 20 years. And I mean any cause - civil rights, gay rights, PETA, The Carrot Top Defamation League. Bad enough you're a genie who mumbles. You came out of a boom box! In 1996 for crying out loud! Why not a MP3 player? A cell phone? A mini-disc? Shaq, are you going to blame that on Kobe too? Give me three wishes Shaq. Wish One: Make your damn free throws!

 

And Steel? A great comic character ruined by Shaq. John Henry Irons was a man of strength, integrity, and intelligence. Shaq turned him into an accident at Fred Sanford's junk yard. I blame myself. We've seen Shaq dress in real life (the plaid jumpsuit was the worst moment, but not by much). Why was I surprised?

I'll watch "Birth Of A Nation: The Director's Cut" before I check out another Shaq movie.

5. Fred Williamson - This nomination was provided by my dentist Dr. Kim Austin. And I must say a brilliant one. Like the Hall Of Fame, sometimes, you reward consistency over a long period of time. Fred gets the latter. Consistent, amusing, over a long period. Back in the 1960's, Fred was known as "The Hammer" in his playing days with the Kansas City Chiefs. Think of Deion Sanders - without the coverage skills (but to give him his due, he did tackle). He parlayed a great mouth and mad marketing skills (I'm not mad at him) into an acting career that spanned four decades. I'm just not sure if I should put quotes around "Acting" or "Career".  And believe me when I tell you - I'm patenting the rights to "The Six Degrees of Fred The Hammer"

Dr. Austin: "He thought he was fine, but the man couldn't act."

    

Yes, Fred fancied himself a sex symbol. During the "blaxplotation" era of the 1970's, he starred in "Black Caesar", "Hell Up In Harlem", and "Boss Charlie", to name a few. Amazingly, he actually got more work in the decades since. Catch him in "From Dusk Till Dawn" if you want to see a man chew up scenes like David Wells and Gilbert Brown at a buffet table. Yeah, he's camp, but I like him.

6. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson - Everyone wants to peg "The Scorpion King". Please. That was an Arnold in Conan-style cop-out. No dialogue. All he had to do was wiggle his CGI tail. Yawn.

Now in "Be Cool", where he plays a gay bodyguard to Vince Vaughn, The Rock proves himself a force to be reckoned with. Red cowboy boots with a powder blue suit. The Eyebrow. And best of all, his rendition of "You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take My Man)" You talk about a man being screwed out of an Oscar, look no further. I'm serious dammit!

 

7. O.J. Simpson (Lifetime Un-Achievement) - "The Naked Gun" The impact is only in retrospect. The late SI-writer Ralph Wiley said of The Juice, "The man had the range and charisma of a crash test dummy - and in fact he played that in several movies." Ouch.

You just know, that post-verdict,  people are watching his opening scene in the original "Naked Gun" where ole' Nordberg is shot repeatedly, burned, staggers into a bear trap, then nearly drowned, just *praying* for an on-set accident to make it real.

8. Roddy Piper in "They Live" - So many lists show the predictable train wrecks like Hulk Hogan flicks. How is it that so many people missed this far better performance? For once, it wasn't an action flick or a comedy. It was a John Carpenter sci-fi flick, where he stars as a down on his luck construction worker named John Nada. He finds a pair of sunglasses that literally changes his worldview. Subliminal messages and butt-ugly aliens that look like you and me. (Ok, maybe like you). Roddy flexes in a great street fight sequence featuring the best Suplex move outside of "Blade 2". Do the aliens and their human lackeys have a chance?

Nada one. (OK, I had to say it.)

 9. Magic Johnson - I hate saying this about the brother. He's done so much good. But face it, epic entertainment disasters come to mind right now in this context.

Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

The Arizona Cardinals.

The Magic Johnson Show.

One day, somebody will buy the rights of this show. That somebody should be Magic, because if he had any sense, he'd burn the masters, and drop a computer virus to prevent it being shown on the internet. I could go on, but why?

How bad was it? Let me share the words of my cyberspace colleague "Bams" Cooper, of Lansing, MI, who shared the following at a mixer, "How can you have a talk show and you can't talk! How? His a- isn't from Lansing anymore, he's from Flint from now on!"

No word on whether Michael Moore will take him in.

      

10. Bernie Casey (Lifetime Achievement) - Bernie went from a fine career with the Rams to a long acting career, with some truly wonderful roles. Call him the Anti-Fred. While he was great as the head of the Tri-Lambda Frat in "Revenge Of The Nerds", my personal favorite is from "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka"

Jim Brown is grilling Keenan Ivory Wayans (who was being mentored by Bernie's character in how to be a Black Hero) without mercy,

Jim Brown: "Look at this chump! He'll get us killed! What makes you think YOU can be a black hero?"

Keenan (Nervous but defiant): "Um...er...I USED TO PLAY FOOTBALL!"

(Jim and Bernie exchange looks and back down.)

There is nothing Honorable About These Mentions (But I'll do it anyway): Muhammad Ali - The same caveats apply to Ali that apply to Magic. But face it -"The Muhammad Ali Story", "Freedom Road". Enough said.

Michael Jordan -We should have been tipped off by the fact that Spike Lee was willing to shoot 317 commercials with Mike, but never dropped him in a movie. Yet he used an untested Ray Allen as a co-star. Hmm. Mike, never again let a cartoon character carry the movie YOU are starring in.

Brian Bozworth - Clint Eastwood said it best; a man has got to know his limitations. Boz, you got to know that you can't tackle Bo Jackson. You should also have known better than to star in "Stone Cold". Far too descriptive of your emotional range.

Bubba Smith - He was a monument of patience unsurpassed by Job. You'd have to be to do seven movies with Steve Guttenberg. In light of that, I underrated his acting chops. (Thanks to my man Walt for pointing that out.)

    

And finally:

Marques Johnson - It was a small, but memorable role in "White Men Can't Jump". Marques plays "Raymond", a playground baller who raises extra money for a pickup game by putting on a stocking - not a ski mask, a woman's stocking - and attempting hold up a corner store. For some reason, perhaps due to being 6-7 (and about 50 pounds over his playing weight), he is recognized by the owner. Raymond ends up selling his gun ("Now who's getting robbed?") to the owner for the cash and promptly gets hustled out of all of it by Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

When Raymond the Rocket Scientist realizes he's been had, hoodwinked, and bamboozled, he proclaims "I'm going back to my car, get my other gun. I'm shooting everybody!", and promptly empties the playground.

Now Marques expects me to take him seriously as a color analyst after that?