Dissent in the Ranks!

When we last left the island, the Legends lost the Eliminator and voted Elgin Baylor off in a move that continued Elgin's Greatest Hits tour. With day three presenting a two-person elimination, the teams knew they needed unity, but Today's team was far from it, especially between Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. We took a peek before day three began.

Kobe: Dammit, LeBron! Let's review; I'm a four-time champion, a regular-season and Finals MVP, and a gold-medalist. What have you done to compare!

LeBron: I own Nike!

Kobe: You've lost both of your challenges so far!

LeBron: I would've beaten Wilt had you not hit me in the head with a chair!

Kobe: With your ego the size of Montana, I had to!

(The cameras turn on to start day three. Kobe and LeBron instantly smile and shake hands. David Downs readies himself to start talking.)

Downs: Welcome back to NBA Survivor!
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!
Downs: Anyone want to overthrow Kia? Anyway, Here are the teams as they stand now:

NBA Stars of Today
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Shaquille O'Neal
Dwight Howard
Dwayne Wade
Carmelo Anthony
Allen Iverson
Chauncey Billups
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Paul Pierce
Yao Ming
Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili

NBA Stars of Yesterday
Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Bill Russell
Wilt Chamberlain
Julius Erving
Isiah Thomas
Charles Barkley
Moses Malone
Oscar Robertson
Jerry West
Scottie Pippen
Willis Reed

Downs: Now, teams, there will be only one regular challenge before the eliminator, but it's very important. Because after the challenge, one of you will be gone.

Kobe (to himself): LeBron.

LeBron (to himself): Kobe.

Downs: Here is the challenge, guys. In his continued efforts to become dictator of the world, David Stern wants you to play a baseball game. The winning team gets immunity for just that challenge. Everyone is fair game for the Eliminator. Now, teams, choose your players for the challenge.

(The lineup cards are set.)

Today's Team Starting Lineup
(jingle): Sponsored by Lowe's!

2B: Iverson
RF: Ginobili
C: Shaq
LF: Kobe
CF: LeBron
1B: Garnett
3B: Pierce
SS: T-Mac
P: D-Wade

Legends Starting Lineup
(jingle): Sponsored by Bud Light!

SS: Isiah
3B: West
C: Wilt
RF: Jordan
CF: Magic
LF: Bird
1B: Barkley
2B: Robertson
P: Russell

Downs: Alright, we'll play six innings...
(jingle): Sponsored by the 1994 strike!
Downs:...and we'll see who wins. Begin the game.

(Today's team comes up to bat in the first inning. Iverson, in true form, gets hit by a pitch on the first pitch. Ginobili tries to do the same thing, but the umpire rules he flopped, and he's tagged out by Wilt. That leads to Shaq coming up, and he slams a home run to give Today's team the lead.)

Shaq: That was Shaq-tastic! 29 points!
Downs: That's only two runs.
(jingle): Sponsored by the Washington Nationals!
Downs: Let's keep going. Kobe, you're up.

(Kobe looks confident, and he's up to a 3-0 count when Russell throws ball four, However, the umpire calls "Strike". Kobe goes ballistic.)

Kobe: That was a ball!
Umpire: Go to the showers, boy! You're ejected from the game!
Kobe: Wtf!!!!!

(Kobe storms off. LeBron waits until he leaves, then laughs hysterically; he paid the umpire off to purposely eject Kobe! Carmelo replaces Kobe at left field. LeBron strides to the plate.)

LeBron: Time for the chosen one to take command!

(LeBron smiles...then get promptly struck out. He blames his teammates for it. Garnett grounds out to end the inning.)

Downs: O.K., Legends, it's your turn to bat.
(jingle): Sponsored by Mike's Hard Lemonade!

(Isiah bats first, and grounds out to start things off. West smacks a double after LeBron overplays it, prompting West to say "I take back my words!". Wilt smashes a home run to tie the game, and Today's Team manager Stan Van Gundy panics and replaces Wade with Dwight Howard. Howard uses his Superman fastball to retire Jordan and Magic. The game remains tied through five innings.)

Downs: Alright, teams, this is the last chance you have to win the game before extra innings.
(jingle): Sponsored by Extendz!

(Today's team leads off with Iverson again. He swings at three pitches before striking out. He says he needs more practice with the bat. Ginobili barely avoids getting hit by a pitch by flopping, and hits a single on the next pitch. Shaq is walked intentionally, causing Shaq to say "Do that again, and I'll rap!". Carmelo flies out to the centerfielder Magic, leaving LeBron to be the hero if he could cash in.)

LeBron: I'm ready to become a global icon!

(Russell throws a pitch down the middle of the plate. LeBron smashes it. It looks like a home run, but Kobe comes in from the outfield and knocks Bird down, starting a fight with the Celtic legend and forcing the umpire to call LeBron out due to interference. LeBron then joins the fight with Kobe and Bird. Both LeBron and Bird are ejected, but LeBron and Kobe don't care.)

LeBron: I'll show you who's the best!
Kobe: You don't even know how to spell "Best", ####!

(Today's team puts in Duncan at center field, and the Legends choose Erving to replace Bird in left. The game continues.)

Downs: Last chance, Legends!
(jingle): Sponsored by Tinactin!

(Jordan leads off the bottom of the 6th. Van Gundy panics again and replaces Howard, who has eight strikeouts, and puts in Yao, who still hadn't recovered from a bad back from the previous day.)

Van Gundy: Go get 'em, champ!
Yao: I don't have ring.
Van Gundy: Neither do I. Who cares! (he is sweating bullets)

(Yao goes up, but as he unwinds, he rips his back up more, and the ball travels at 50 MPH. Jordan smacks it over the fence to win the game for the Legends 3-2.)

Downs: Legends, you have won 3-2...
(jingle): Sponsored by hockey!
Downs:...and Today's Team now must vote off a player. Legends, we'll do the vote here before going to rest for the Eliminator. Start voting.

(The Legends vote. It comes out 13 for Howard, and one that can't be read because a giant pepperoni piece covers the vote. It's Barkley yet again; he ordered a pizza through a carrier pigeon!)

Downs: That's one vote for Howard. Now, Today's Team, you vote.

(LeBron and Kobe return for the vote, bruised in body and mind. They vote.)

Downs: Here are the results.

(The votes are revealed to be ten for Yao, three for McGrady and one for LeBron.)

Downs: Yao, you must go now.
(LeBron screams "who voted for me now; I'm sitting next to Kobe. He didn't!" Nobody raises their hand, but Carmelo smirks. He and Kobe are now a team to stop LeBron! Yao gets carried off by 60 illegal Chinese workers.)

Downs: Alright, teams; rest up and get ready for tonight's Eliminator!

(Night falls. The Eliminator begins.)

Downs: Alright; choose your teams. And for the record, LeBron and Kobe are disqualified because of their behavior earlier.
(jingle): Sponsored by Mike Tyson!

(Today's team settles for Howard, Carmelo, Pierce, Wade and Shaq. The Legends choose Jabbar, Pippen, Malone, Reed and Erving.)

Downs: Start!
(jingle): Sponsored by Miller Light!

(Carmelo and Reed start the race. Carmelo takes an early lead as Reed lumbers through like he did with the Nets. Carmelo tags off to Pierce, whose halfway through the cave when Reed tags to Pippen.)

Pippen: Maybe I should've sat on the bench now instead of then. Anyhow, here I come!

(Pippen uses the anger he has towards Barkley, who once again is eating, this time an entire cow, to surge towards Pierce, who slipped and appeared to injure his knee. Put Pierce simply lulled Pippen; he's not hurt! Pierce reestablishes his lead when he tags off to Shaq. Pippen tags to Malone.)

Shaq: You can't stop the big Aristotle!
Malone: I won three MVPs when you were in diapers! Fo,fo,fo!

(Malone becomes a man possessed; he chases down Shaq, who is briefly distracted when he remembers he threatened to rap. The two centers go up the treadmill, though Shaq picks it up to go up it, and they tag off to Wade and Erving.)

Wade: Dr. J!
Erving: Dr. Chapstick to you!

(Wade and Erving hit the basketball court. The challenge is to dunk from the foul line. Wade lines up first, but while in the air, he instinctively tries to draw a foul, and the ball clangs off the rim. Erving hits the dunk with ease, and runs to the final station to tag Jabbar. Wade dunks, then hurries to get to Howard.)

Howard: Time for Superman to stop SuperScorer!
Jabbar: Quit choking me!

(Their final challenge is to name all the teams that won a NBA title in the 1970s. Howard is stumped.)

Howard: I wasn't born in the 70s! Superman deserves better!
Jabbar: Right in my wheelhouse! New York, Milwaukee, Los Angeles, Boston, Golden State, Portland, Washington and Seattle!
Downs: That's correct! The Legends win!
(jingle): Sponsored by Geritol!
Downs: Today's Team, you must vote off another player.

(The teams head to tribal council square.)

Downs: Time for our votes!
(jingle): Sponsored by every election!
Downs: Legends, vote now!

(The legends vote. They all vote for Howard.)

Downs: Alright, now Today's Team must vote.
(jingle): Sponsored by that pill for going too often!

(Today's team votes. It comes out eight for Iverson, three for Wade, and two for LeBron.)

LeBron: Who the #### is against me!?

(Kobe and Carmelo exchange smirks.)

Downs: O.K., AI, your time is up. Leave the island!
Iverson: I thought they were talking about practice voting! This is worse than playing for Michael Curry!
(Iverson leaves. His mother tries to attack Downs, but is knocked down when she runs into the bones left behind by Barkley after he ate the cow.)

Downs: That's it for today's episode of NBA Survivor!
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!
Downs: Come see us next time, when two more NBA stars get the boot!
(jingle): Sponsored by Nancy Sinatra!
Downs: See you next time!

The Story Continues

When we left the island, the NBA stars of today had been pummeled by the stars of yesterday, causing the team to cast off oft-injured star Gilbert Arenas. Now, in day two of their massive challenge, can the young stars rebound? Let's go to our host, David Downs!

Downs: Welcome back to NBA Survivor!
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!
Downs: Let's recap our teams!

NBA Stars of Today
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Shaquille O'Neal
Dwight Howard
Dwayne Wade
Carmelo Anthony
Allen Iverson
Chauncey Billups
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Paul Pierce
Yao Ming
Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili
Gilbert Arenas

Downs: And now, the Legends!

NBA Stars of Yesterday
Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Bill Russell
Wilt Chamberlain
Julius Erving
Isiah Thomas
Charles Barkley
Elgin Baylor
Moses Malone
Oscar Robertson
Jerry West
Scottie Pippen
Willis Reed

Downs: Alright, teams. You've made it through the first day...
(jingle): Sponsored by Miller Light!
Downs: ...and now we'll start the second day with new challenges!
(jingle): Sponsored by Bud Light!
Downs: Today's first challenge is unique; we'll have a wrestling match...
(jingle): sponsored by the WWE!
Downs: And we mean like TV wrestling; no holds barred action! Teams, you'll pick three participants, and whichever team wins get immunity for its chosen participants. Go ahead and choose your teams!

(The Legends choose Chamberlain, Barkley and Reed. Today's team argue for several minutes, mainly between Kobe and LeBron, before choosing Howard, LeBron and Yao.)

Downs: Alright, teams. Choose who goes first.
(jingle): Sponsored by who's on 1st, what's on 2nd, and I don't know's on 3rd!

(The first matchup is Yao vs Barkley.)

Downs: Start!

(Barkley gains an early advantage when Yao attempts to slam him, but rips up his back because Barkley is too heavy. Barkley takes a wooden folding chair and hits Yao's back with it, shattering the chair. He eats the leftover pieces, then taunts Yao.)

Barkley: How do you like those shrimp!

(But Yao has an ace up his sleeve; he summons thousands of illegal Chinese workers, and they come in and pummel Barkley. Barkley is left bloodied as Yao pins him for a three count.)

Downs: Wow! Today's team wins the first fall!
(jingle): Sponsored by Life Alert!
Downs: Choose your second teams!

(The Legends choose Chamberlain. Today's team chooses LeBron.)

LeBron: Kobe, let me show you how the chosen one finishes a team off!

(LeBron go after Wilt, choosing to attack his knees. Chamberlain is stunned; even the life force of his women are no match for LeBron's surgical attacks. But just when James is ready to finish off Wilt, Kobe nails him with a chair in the back of the head.)

Kobe: Chosen one, my ####!

(Chamberlain covers James to even the score.)

Downs: Alright; it's tied 1-1
(jingle): Sponsored by the 2000 election!
Downs: Howard and Reed, you're up.

(Reed approaches the fight with caution; Howard cut an imposing figure in the ring. And Howard has his way with Reed; he slams him a couple of times, then jumps on the top turnbuckle and splahes him.)

Howard: Superman is in the building!

(Howard decides to let Reed get up, but Reed starts clutching his leg.)

Howard: Now to go in for the finish!

(Howard grabs Reed, thinking he's hurt, but Reed hits him with an inside cradle, pinning him for the three count!)

Downs: Incredible! The Legends win the game 2-1!
(jingle): Sponsored by soccer!
Downs: Reed, Chamberlain and Barkley are safe from elimination today. Speaking of Barkley, where is he?

(The cameras pan to Barkley eating another wooden chair.)

Downs: O.K., never mind. Rest up...
(jingle): Sponsored by La-Z-Boy!
Downs: And get ready for the next event!

(several hours pass)

Downs: Alright, gang! Here's event two; it's a relay race. You'll have three-man teams going back and forth from station 1 to station 2, and whoever does it fastest will win. Select your teams!

(The Legends, smelling victory, choose Erving, Pippen and Baylor. Today's team choose Ginobili, Billups and Duncan.)

Downs: Alright, let's get ready to swim...
(jingle): Sponsored by Michael Phelps!
Downs: Gooooo!

(Pippen and Billups start. Pippen gains an early lead, but Billups gains ground after Pippen mysteriously stops and goes to the bench near station 1. Billups keeps a slight lead when they pass off to Ginobili and Baylor. While Baylor struggles with the seas as much as he did with the Clippers, Ginobili thrives because he's used to flopping like a fish. Though Erving puts up a gallant fight, Duncan's steadiness allows Today's team to win!)

Downs: Congrats, Today's team. Duncan, Ginobili and Billups are safe today
(jingle): Sponsored by...nobody; Spurs players aren't marketed by the NBA!
Downs: That's just cruel. Anyway, we'll see you team later for the next elimination course!

(We get to the early evening)

Downs: Alright, we're here for the eliminator!
(jingle): Sponsored by American Gladiators!
Downs: Choose your teams, and good luck!

(Today's team choose Kobe, Pierce, Garnett, Carmelo and McGrady. The Legends choose Jordan, Robertson, Malone, Magic and Bird.)

Downs: Gentleman, start your engines!
(jingle): sponsored by NASCAR!
Downs: I knew that would happen!

(Robertson and McGrady start off. Robertson gains a huge lead when McGrady keeps saying to himself (I can't win a big game, I can't win a...". Robertson hands off to Malone, while McGrady cries after tagging to Pierce.)

McGrady: I stink!

(Pierce, who shows much more determination than McGrady, catches Malone, who thought they would be no resistance. They're nearly even after the climb up the hill where they tag to Garnett and Bird.)

Garnett: Two Celtics legends going at it. I know that any...

Bird: Shut up! Dammit, that's annoying!

(Garnett takes a lead going up the treadmill, as Bird struggles to climb up. They reach the court, where they tag to Jordan and Carmelo.)

Jordan: Now I can show people that I'm the best of all-time!
Carmelo: O.K., Mike. Except I'm not Kobe.
Jordan: Oh.

(Jordan and Carmelo's challenge is to put together a jigsaw puzzle. Jordan is agast when it's reveal to be a picture of Jerry Krause.)

Jordan: I should fire you guys; I own the NBA!

(Carmelo has the lead when they get back to the court and tag to Kobe and Magic.)

Kobe: Time to finish this!
Magic: Never fear; Magic is here!

(Their final challenge is simple; to identify the one player who played on the Celtics with both Bill Russell and Larry Bird. While Russell and Bird laugh, Kobe and Magic fume.)

Magic: Why are you giving us a Celtic question?
Downs: Because it's fun!

(As Kobe sctraches his head, LeBron, still smarting from the chair, taunts him.)

LeBron: I'm going to be big in New York!
Kobe: Ah, hell; you should've been there with Don Chaney!
Downs: Correct! Kobe, you and Today's team have won!
Magic: That's not fair; he cheated!
Downs: Who doesn't in the NBA? Today's team wins! Legends, you must vote off a player tonight.

(Night falls. The teams gather in the tribal council square.)

Downs: Alright, Legends. You must pick who will go tonight.
(jingle): Sponsored by Hertz!
Today's team, you vote for the one you want gone.

(Today's team votes. It comes out five for Chamberlain, four for Russell, four for Jabbar, and one for LeBron.)

Downs: Who voted for a team member?
(No one raises their hand. LeBron scowls, while Kobe smiles; he got LeBron again!)

Downs: Alright, that's one vote for Chamberlain.
(jingle): Sponsored by Ralph Nader!
Downs: Now, Legends, you vote.

(The Legends vote. It comes out ten for Baylor and five for Barkley, whose busy most of the vote eating some ribs he ripped off a live bull prior to joining council.)

Downs: That's it. Elgin, pack your bags and go home
(jingle): Sponsored by American Tourister!
Baylor: This is worse than being fired by the Clippers!
(Baylor storms off.)

Downs: Well, folks, that's it for today's episode of NBA Survivor...
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!
Downs: Be sure to tune in next time, when two stars get the boot!
(jingle): Sponsored by Reebok!
Downs: See you next time!
(jingle): Sponsored by Pearl Vision!

Disclaimer: The following post is purely a parody. If the NBA or anybody feels offended, it's pure fun; no infringement is intended. All names and property belong to their owners. Now, yet the games begin!

The Beginnings of the Story

Sitting in his office in New York, NBA commissioner David Stern was discontented. The NBA Finals had been, in his opinion, a complete disaster, and now it was the offseason. Determined to become the dictator of the world, Stern decided to make the NBA relevant in the off-season. He bought the rights to the show "Survivor" and decided to stock a new season of it with NBA players, past and present. The result is "NBA Survivor" sponsored by Kia Motors! Let's head to the field!

(The host, named David Downs, walks in)

Downs: It's time for NBA Survivor!

(jingle): "sponsored by Kia Motors!"

Downs: Now then, let's meet the teams! First, it's the NBA Stars of Today team.

NBA Stars of Today
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Shaquille O'Neal
Dwight Howard
Dwayne Wade
Carmelo Anthony
Allen Iverson
Chauncey Billups
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Paul Pierce
Yao Ming
Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili
Gilbert Arenas

Downs: And now, the NBA Stars of Yesterday team!

NBA Stars of Yesterday
Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Bill Russell
Wilt Chamberlain
Julius Erving
Isiah Thomas
Charles Barkley
Elgin Baylor
Moses Malone
Oscar Robertson
Jerry West
Scottie Pippen
Willis Reed

Downs: You've now met the teams, so let's begin our game. At the end of today, one of these 30 players will be gone. The teams will compete as a unit until we whittle down the competition. You guys ready?

LeBron: I was born ready.
Kobe: You arrogant piece of...
LeBron: Look who's talking!

Downs: O.K., guys; you sound like those damn annoying puppets!
(jingle): sponsored by Nike!
Downs: Oh boy; this will be hell. Let's begin with out first challenge. It's a good old-fashioned game of HORSE.
(jingle): sponsored by Geico!
Downs: You guys know how to play. Pick two members from each team.

(The Stars of Yesterday choose Magic and Bird, saving Jordan for a later challenge. The Stars of Today choose Kobe and LeBron.)

Downs: We flipped a coin...
(jingle): Sponsored by the U.S. Mint!
Downs: ...and the Stars of Today won, so they get the first shot of the day.
(jingle): sponsored by Budweiser!

Kobe: O.K., Bron. I got the first shot!
LeBron: Oh, no you don't; I've got it!
Kobe: Me!
LeBron: ME!!!

(the two begin to fight each other, the ball slips out of their hands at mid-court, takes two bounces, and goes in the hoop. All the participants are stunned.)

Downs: All right, Magic and Larry, you gotta do it.

(Magic and Bird tussle, but the ball takes three bounces, giving LeBron and Kobe the lead.)

Downs: Back to LeBron and Kobe for the second shot.
(jingle): Sponsored by Red Bull!

Kobe: Just give me the damn ball.
LeBron: I'm the chosen one!
(they resume fighting, and run out of time)

Downs: Sorry, guys. You forfeit one letter. It's a tied game.
(to add insult to insult, Joey Crawford calls a technical just out of habit!)

Downs: Magic and Bird, you're up.

(Magic does a behind-the-back dribble before pulling up 3/4 court and hitting a three. LeBron rips the ball out of Kobe's hand, does the same thing...and it air-balls)

Kobe: Dammit, Bron; I just won a title! Stop fooling around!
LeBron: You are the fool!

(Magic and Bird eventually win the game after LeBron and Kobe refuse to allow the other the shoot. They forfeit the remaining three letters.)

Downs: Chalk one up for the Legends team. Magic and Larry win immunity for today as their prize.
(jingle): Sponsored by Vagisil!
Downs: Let's move on to our next challenge. It's a game where whoever grabs the most coconuts wins.
(jingle): Sponsored by Mounds and Almond Joy!
Downs: Pick your teams, people!

(The Legends select Chamberlain and Jabbar. Curiously, the Stars of the Today choose only Dwight Howard.)

Downs: Today's Team, why did you choose only one player?
Team: Because we have a secret!
Downs: O.K. Gentleman, let's get started.
(jingle): Sponsored by Minute Maid Orange Juice!
Downs: Go!

(Chamberlain and Jabbar barely get started when Howard rips off his Magic jersey to reveal...he's actually Superman! He leaps up to the top of the tree and plucks off all of the coconuts, winning the game.)

Downs: Wow! Dwight Howard is the winner and gets immunity!

(jingle): Sponsored by Bayer!
Downs: Well then, get some rest, and we'll be back after a word from our many sponsors!

(The ads are, in order, promos for Wipeout, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, The Closer, and 50 thousand ads for cars, beer and impotence. After all of that, Downs returns)

Downs: It's time for the team challenge!
(jingle): Sponsored by the Army!
Downs: Pick five members of the team to play this game.

(The Legends choose Jordan, Barkley, West, Thomas and Russell. Today's team choose Wade, Shaq, Arenas, Garnett and Iverson.)

Downs: O.K. Start the obstacle course!
(jingle): Sponsored by Ikea!
Downs: Start!

(Iverson and Thomas begin the game by climbing through the cave. Iverson takes a big lead before getting startled when Thomas says he's quitting Florida International to join Iverson's new team to trade him. They're even when they tag off to West and Arenas.)

Arenas: Hey, Jerry. Still think LeBron's the best player in the lea...

(Arenas, en route to going up the hill, tears up his knee. Thomas is forced to carry Arenas to the next station, where they trail by a bunch. Fortunately for Today's Team, Barkley is waddling through the third leg, allowing Garnett to catch up.)

Garnett: Anything is possibleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Barkley: That's just turible!

(Barkley and Garnett are even when they pass the wooden bridge and tag off to Russell and Shaq.)

Russell: Oh, Shaq's nothing! I stopped Wilt; I can stop him!

Shaq: That would be Shaq-tastic for you, but I'm the real Superman!

(Russell and Shaq approach the treadmill. While Russell makes it up with ease, Shaq simply bulls it over, saying "I don't ever use treadmills!". After that, they reach the b-ball court, where each has to dunk, then hand off to Jordan and Wade.)

Wade (stares at Jordan): My idol!

Jordan: That stuff doesn't work on me!

(The final obstacle is a doozy; each goes to the court, where big Manute Bol lies. They must hit a jumper over him, without driving by him. Wade gets there first, but his shot gets easily swatted away.)

Bol: You...cant...do...tat!

(Bol smiles, but it's quickly obliterated when Jordan, using his powers from Space Jam, turns into Stretch Armstrong, stretching his arms over Bol, and throwing the ball in. Jordan easily crosses the finish line.)

Downs: The Legends win the game! The entire team is safe for the next episode! Today's team, one of you will go.
(jingle): Sponsored by Avis!
Downs: Today's Team, we'll see you at tribal council tonight!

(Today's team, except for Howard, who has immunity, slumps off to their cabins. The Legends go back as well, except for Jordan and Barkley, who decide to go to the golf course to gamble on who can lose the worst.)

(Night falls on the camp)

Downs: Alright, teams. Let's get to the council square.
(jingle): Sponsored by Wheat Thins!
Downs: Today's Team will vote on who they want to get rid of, and that person must leave. Only Dwight Howard is immune from elimination today. The Legends will also vote, and their majority winner will receive one vote. Let's get started!
(jingle): Sponsored by the Black-Eyed Peas!

(The Legends vote. It comes out eight for Kobe, seven for LeBron, and one that's not legible because there's a giant ketchup stain.)

Downs: Who had ketchup on their ballot?
(jingle): Sponsored by Heinz!
Barkley: Sorry, guys. I had to have 15 hamburgers before I voted!
Downs: Anyway, Kobe gets one cumulative vote. Today's Team, now you vote.

(The team votes.)

Downs: Here are the results!
(jingle): Sponsored by George W. Bush!
Downs: The results are 14 votes for Arenas (shown in a cast), and one for LeBron.

(LeBron stares at the team, screaming "I need help, guys!". Kobe smirks privately; he cast the vote against LeBron. Arenas tried to walk away in his cast, but falls over, breaking his ankle and ribs. He yells back "I'm used to not playing and getting paid!".)

 Downs: All right campers, that's it for Opening Night!
(jingle): Sponsored by Hyundai!
Downs: See you viewers next time for more NBA Survivor!
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!

Note: I know Chamberlain isn't alive. This is a parody, so pretend that these guys are all in their prime!

Finally, the day has arrived. The NBA Finals begin tonight, and the matchup that all of America has waited for with baited breath is here. The matchup of two titans of the league, the biggest names this planet has ever seen. They will settle their differences on the court, and finally decide who is the best...dammit, got carried away there! You see, that's how most of the NBA offices wishes this series could have been billed. Instead, the Lakers play the Magic.

Actually, this series isn't as bad as most people are calling it now. Sure, there's no LeBron, but this series is more intriguing because Orlando matches up better than Cleveland does against the Lakers. Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu will put the onus on Lamar Odom and Trevor Ariza to play consistently well or get burned by the three-point shot. And, of course, "Superman" Dwight Howard puts Andrew Bynum and the rest of the Lakers' bigs to the ultimate test. Those matchups will determine who will emerge as the NBA champion.

Here's a position by position breakdown of the matchups:

Point Guard (Derek Fisher/Jordan Farmar/Shannon Brown vs Rafer Alston/Anthony Johnson/Jameer Nelson?): I put Nelson in there for courtesy, but even if he plays, he won't be a factor. Alston played well against Mo Williams in the conference finals, and none of the three Laker PGs have had any luck shooting the ball. Alston could also drive the ball to the rack to put pressure on Fisher. Advantage: Magic

Shooting Guard (Kobe Bryant/Sasha Vujacic vs Courtney Lee/J.J. Redick): Don't get me wrong; Lewis will probably get the assignment of guarding the Mamba. But based purely on position, um, Advantage: Lakers by a mile

Small Forward (Trevor Ariza/Lamar Odom vs Hedo Turkoglu/Mikeal Pietrus): This is one of the key matchups. Ariza and Odom are the constant keys to whether the Lakers win or get blown away. Ariza needs to hound Turkoglu (a noted road playoff performer) and keep him from getting hot, while Odom needs to provide some scoring and rebounding to offset Howard's dominance in that regard. We'll see what happens. For now, Advantage: Even

Power Forward (Pau Gasol/Josh Powell/Lamar Odom vs Rashard Lewis/Tony Battie): Gasol will have matchups problems with Lewis' range, but if he plays assertively, he should have the rebounding and inside advanatage. That's a major key; Gasol must put up the same kinds of stats he did against Denver to compliment Bryant. Expect to see Battie play a little more in this series (with Lewis shifting to the three and Turkoglu to the two) to give Orlando more size against the Lakers. Advantage: Lakers by a hair

Center (Andrew Bynum/Pau Gasol vs Diwght Howard/Marcin Gortat): Bynum has contributed litlle other than fouls for most of the playoffs, and against Howard, he could set a record for fouling out. That's if the bad Bynum shows up. If the (reasonably) good Bynum shows, it's still a mismatch, but not quite as pronounced. Advantage: Magic

Bench: The Lakers have gotten inconsistent bench help throughout the playoffs. It's always a question of whether Odom is back from his planet, and they'll need him to be to counter Pietrus, who outplayed the entire Cleveland bench last round. The rest of the benches aren't as important, but I think the Magic bench has played better than L.A.'s. Advantage: Magic

Coaches (Phil Jackson vs Stan Van Gundy): As like last year, we have the Master vs the Apprentice. And last year, the Apprentice won. Jackson won't have many (if any) more chances to pass Red Auerbach in total titles, so expect to see him more active coaching than in the past (more like the Jackson who berated Odom in Denver). Van Gundy has overcome the "Master of Panic" mantra to a degree, but he needs to make sure he exploits his team's shooting and matchups advanatges to win. I just wonder how Jeff Van Gundy can be objective on ESPN? Advantage: Lakers

Prediction: Since the Lakers have a determined Kobe Bryant at the helm, and I expect the Lakers to employ a strategy similar to the one used against them in 2004 by the Pistons (let Howard dominate, stop Lewis and Turkoglu), I predict the Lakers win will the series in six games.

Visit www.thebasketballoracle.com to see this and other great articles about the NBA.

It's the beginning of June, and it's time for some good verbal skewings. That's right, it's Random Sports Thoughts time! Or, as it's known around my house, Independence Day!

LeBron James defended his conduct after game six of the conference finals, saying basically that a winner wouldn't shake hand with the team that beat him. Never mind that pesky sportsmanship thing.

In related news, LeBron responded to Fox Blogs' own Jon 464. He said something like "Anything you can do (throw people under the bus), I can do better! And without words!".

Ben Wallace said that he's considering retirement. Funny, I thought he retired in 2006.

And seriously, would he retire and leave $14 million on the table? I'd play with two amputated legs for $14 million! And I'd be as effective as Wallace does!

Dwight Howard said he wanted the conference finals to end quickly to get those LeBron/Kobe puppet ads off TV. Finally, something we can agree on!

Now that the Lakers/Magic FInals is set, I'm wondering this; who will Shaq root for? It must be fun in the O'Neal house right now.

How boring is today's upcoming sports day? Roger Federer's win at the French Open is a top story. Waht's next, backgammon?

The Red Wings have taken a 2-0 lead over the Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals. Does anyone smell a LeBron in Sidney Crosby?

The Magic are saying there is a possibility that Jameer Nelson could play in the Finals against the Lakers. Didn't the Magic just see what can happen to a team that rushed someone back from injury (Kevin Garnett, anyone?).

And finally...

The 76ers are expected to hire Eddie Jordan as their coach, following Flip Saunders in Minnesota and Alvin Gentry's permanent hiring in Phoenix. Who's next off the scrap heap? No, Pat Riley; don't raise your hand!

That's it for today! Until next time, speak easily, because no words is worse than bad words! Take care!