Carolina beat Buffalo last night. That didn't surprise me because the Panthers are much better than the Bills. Carolina has a good coach in John Fox (no relation) and a SB worthy QB in Jake Delhomme. Buffalo lost their coach because he couldn't take media criticism, and they drafted a QB named LossMan #1. Bad times for the Bills are dead ahead. But the NFL needs to chillax, it's too early for exhibition games.

Oops. This is more embarrassing than being shafted in Fox's NextGreatSuckup 2 competition; it seems the Buffalo Carolina game last night was some sort of Hockey event. I needed to learn more about this "Hockey" so I quickly went to the ESPN site for some sports reporting. I didn't want to risk having to sort through another Dayn PeeWee gem about how Johnny Unitas sucked because he didn't have to face Deion Sanders.

It turns out though, that there is still a National Hockey League, and the strike was settled some time ago. I have to admit, I didn't see much Hockey this season because my Satellite stops at channel numbers that require a comma. Evidently, that genius Gary Bettman signed a megaVision deal with the OLN. I think that stands for outdoor "living network" or maybe it's "onebig loser network" or the "Oregon Lumber Network". What's the difference. Hockey is dead. Here's an obligatory jpeg.

Okay, so I knew it was a hockey game. Truth is, I love Hockey. Not as much as the NFL, but I actually cared enough to have an opinion when they did that silly puck tracker thing, and I do know why a two-line pass is illegal. I remember watching Guy Lafleur, when the Canadians were Royal, Lemieux when he was LeMieux (literally translated-the best). I recall the grace and speed of Dale Hatcher, who skated like he had skates for feet, and I still laugh at Al Iafrate uncorking a blazer that deflected into the 2nd level and cracked open a woman's head because she was reading a magazine. Here's a great rule for sitting in Hockey Games, look out for stray pucks. Hockey is a game where big guys maneuver on skates with utterly amazing speed and dexterity. If you haven't ever gone to a hockey game, go. It's absolutely invigorating. The skill and ability these guys display is phenomenal.

So why is the game dead? Some blame salaries, lord knows Bettman did. But if the NFL has taught us anything, astronomical salaries and team sports can and will prosper in the same house. If you build new stadiums and some semblance of parity, they will come. So who killed Hockey? The Florida Panthers and the New Jersey Devils did, that's who. No one is saying that the scores should be 11-9 or even 8-7 every night, the number of goals is not the issue here. It's the damned clutching and grabbing, neutral zone trapping that killed Hockey. I got tired of it earlier than most hard core fans, probably by 95-96. It frustrated me to no end watching Mario Lemieux try to skate through a wrestling match every night. So I turned my attention elsewhere. Here's another obligatory jpeg.

Now I like a good kill shot as much as the next guy, but this isn't about making the players into sissies, It's just about letting them skate. Hockey died because Hockey forgot about what made Hockey interesting. Particularly because teams that were light on scoring talent decided to turn Hockey Night into Saturday Night's Main Event. So my advice to Gary B. and the Ottawa LumberJack Network is this. Don't change the rules. Super Mario tallied 199 points in 1988-89 under the old rules. Just enforce the rules you have. Don't change the goalies' equipment, just make sure the haves share with the have nots.

The NHL may never be the NFL or the NBA in marketing lure, but it can and should merit a spot on a major network rather than a home for infomercials. Let them play, Gary. Sid the Kid, and Alex Ovechkin are very marketable, to name a few.